REDDIT REVUE: r/Witchcraft (2024)

This month’s Reddit Revue: r/Witchcraft! Yes, again!

Yes I know, this is the second time now that I’ve said we’d be doing r/Elon and we didn’t. My exact words from last month’s Reddit Revue were:

Next month’s Reddit Revue will definitely be r/Elon, a subreddit dedicated to everyone’s favorite con artist.

I was going to do r/Elon this month, I swear. But then I realized that this month’s Reddit Revue would fall on the day before Halloween (I try to always do Reddit Revue on the last Wednesday of every month), and I just couldn’t waste that opportunity. Don’t worry, Elon Musk isn’t going anywhere, and r/Elon will be November’s Reddit Revue. Unless of course I come up with another excuse next month.

Anyway, I’ve been doing these Reddit Revue articles for a year and a half now. Up until now I haven’t revisited any subreddits, though I’ve had a couple of requests to do so. Now that the series has kind of found its feet I feel like maybe it’s okay to lift my moratorium on revisiting subreddits. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do this often or for every single subreddit I’ve ever visited. I’ve received a couple of requests to revisit r/Crushes and r/WitchesvsPatriarchy in particular, so those will be on the table for later. Our inbox and comments are always open, so feel free to let us know if there’s a specific subreddit you’d like us to revisit in the future.

Today though I’m going to check back in on r/Witchcraft. I originally visited this subreddit last October, and the results were exactly what you’d expect them to be. People on Reddit are weird, people who practice witchcraft are weird, and people on r/Witchcraft are very fucking weird.

But are they still fucking weird one year later?

Oh hell, of course they are. Here’s r/Witchcraft.


If I was a demon or spirit or whatever dumb shit these idiots believe in and someone tried to summon me with this cheap ass BudK knife I’d be fucking insulted.

 

What didn’t happen after you started practicing “glamour magick”:

  • Losing weight
  • Becoming a productive member of society

 

Basic white bitch magic.

 

I’m stockpiling the stones as I write this.

 

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about witchcraft, it’s that nothing about it is “thin”. Especially the women who practice it.

 

I’m not going to insult this person, I hear the job market right now is pretty rough. I wish this person luck.

LOL SIKE STUPID BITCH HAHAHA GOTTEM

 

When you’re reading a guidebook on practicing magic, there’s a very good chance you’ve found a crap author.

 

Sounds like mental illness is afoot. Seek professional help.

 

Hecate is not talking to you. You have schizophrenia. Seek professional help.

 

This post goes hard.

Love from Kazakhstan.

 

Maddox would give this drawing an F-.

 

Yes.

 

Blockbuster has been out of business for ten years, retard.

 

Some motherfuckers will literally do anything for some pussy.

 

The economy is in shambles, people are being laid off and losing their homes left and right, and kids are going hungry. Meanwhile this asshole has so much money that they can afford to give it to imaginary spirits.

 

The same thing that normally happens, because hexes don’t exist.

 

“Oil for self-love”

Oh you.

 

If I went over to someone’s house and they had a pet named “Winifred Moonpig” I’m getting the fuck out of there ASAP.

 

Man, some fat people will do anything to avoid taking responsibility for their poor dietary choices, to the point where they’re blaming “brownie spirits”.

What next, is Frosty going to tell me that he’s being followed by a beer spirit?

 

I once cleansed an entire house party by playing Yoko Ono songs.

 

“Black candle with protection oil”

Seinfeld hands up

 

Be careful, this is how Florida Man spreads his sickness.

 

I tried a honey jar spell once. I came back to find the President of China stuck in my doorway not wearing any pants. When I asked what he was doing, all he could say was “Oh bother!”

 

Good morning I hate women.

 

TheFakeMelonHead, a loose-cannon witch who doesn’t play by the rules.

 

This bitch is so fat that she’s trying to banish apples, holy shit.

 

JJK isn’t real and you’ll never be Megumi. Loser.

 

Bronies overlap with r/Witchcraft. Imagine my fucking surprise.

 

Your daughter isn’t “being her best self” when you’re very clearly influencing her religious and spiritual beliefs.

 

This is a hallucination, you have schiz- aw, you people know the drill already.

 

Hey no fair, I’m the one who’s supposed to say those things.

 

I never really used protection. In retrospect it’s a miracle I’m not a father and never had any STDs.

 

Ah, so this is what the bad guy in Pirates of the Caribbean was talking about.

 

My girlfriend seems to think so.

 

Mental illness, seek help, blah dee blah dee blah.

 

Finally, a witch who knows her place. Now make me a sand-witch.

 

Your roommate owes a dangerous biker gang money you inconsiderate bitch.

 

See, this honey jar magic shit is no joke. Next thing you know the President of China is in your living room summoning Baphomet.

 

This person works in a psychiatric unit? For real?

 

Lmao this bitch literally caused a traffic accident.

 

Alright, we’re going to wrap things up here, but before we do here’s a sigil of boob growth for any trans folk who may be reading this:

 

We’ll definitely be doing r/Elon next month. In the meantime if there’s any subreddit you’d like us to visit (or revisit) in a future Reddit Revue feel free to let us know in the comments or send an email to the editor.

Happy Halloween everyone, and remember to follow our tips to ensure a happy Halloween for everyone else too!

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By Angry_Jerk

The CEO/Editor-in-chief of AJnet, and the current king of internet ranting. Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. When he’s not creating new articles for the site, he can be found hitting the weights, watching anime, or playing retro video games.