Xyzabcrst attempts to understand the human holiday of Halloween.
In February of 2023, an unidentified flying object was shot down over Lake Huron and retrieved by the US military. Its sole occupant, an extraterrestrial biological entity named Xyzabcrst, was taken to an undisclosed military facility codenamed “The Grotto” and interviewed by base personnel. The transcripts of these interviews have been provided by an AJnet Organization operative working inside a three letter agency.
The following is a transcript of an interview with Xyzabcrst about the holiday of Halloween.
Major: This is US Air Force Major [REDACTED] with US Army Lieutenant [REDACTED] at the Grotto to interview extraterrestrial biological entity Xyzabcrst. The date is October 31, 2023, the time 10:03 AM. How are you this morn- what in the hell are you wearing?!
Xyzabcrst: This is my Halloween costume.
The Major laughs.
Major: What exactly are you supposed to be?
Xyzabcrst: I am what your race calls a “monster”.
The Major laughs again.
Major: A monster, huh? That doesn’t look like any monster I’ve ever seen.
Xyzabcrst: That would most likely be because monsters don’t actually exist, and are merely stories created by other humans.
Lieutenant: Who gave you that costume anyway?
Xyzabcrst: [REDACTED]. I believe he is a guard at this facility.
Major: Remind me to have a talk with [REDACTED] later about security protocol. And his sense of humor.
Xyzabcrst: Is something wrong with my costume?
The Major chuckles.
Major: It’s… Ah… Well, it’s definitely a costume.
Xyzabcrst: I do not understand.
Lieutenant: What the Major is trying to say is that your costume looks silly.
Xyzabcrst: Why does it look silly?
Lieutenant: It’s just, it doesn’t really look like a monster.
Major: It looks ridiculous!
Xyzabcrst: It looks ridiculous? Then it should fit right in with this holiday, should it not?
Major: What’s ridiculous about Halloween?
Xyzabcrst: Your children dress up as monsters and go door to door collecting candy from strangers. After your society spends the rest of the year telling them not to take candy from strangers.
Lieutenant: He’s got us there, Major.
Xyzabcrst: Your children initiate this contradictory ritual with the phrase “Trick or treat”. In exchange, they’re rewarded with a “treat”. There is no trick involved. I am unsure why the option for a “trick” is given when the child will always receive a treat. Would it not be more efficient to simply say “Treat”?
Lieutenant: Well, there’s an entire history behind the holiday-
Xyzabcrst: Though, I do suppose that the real trick is how you infect your children with the disease you call diabetes by allowing them to obtain and consume large quantities of sugar. I was sent here to perform reconnaissance in preparation for an invasion of your planet, but given the rate that you poison your young I suspect that there will be no need for an invasion.
Lieutenant: Hold on a second-
Major: It’s just kids having a little fun, Xyzabcrst. You know what fun is, right?
Xyzabcrst: If your species’ idea of fun is wearing a costume and going out at night to solicit toxic substances from strangers, then you’re surely doomed.
Lieutenant: Can we go back to the part about the invas-
The Major laughs.
Major: I’m sorry Xyzabcrst, but I just can’t take you seriously with that stupid costume!
Xyzabcrst is visibly distressed. He forcefully removes his costume and throws it to the ground. A large vein is protruding from his forehead.
Xyzabcrst: That is enough! Halloween is an idiotic holiday, and I have nothing further to say!
Major: Where the hell is [REDACTED]? The only thing he’ll be guarding is a shopping mall by the time I’m done with him!
Lieutenant: Aren’t we going to ask about the invasion?
The audio abruptly cuts off.