Sushi and haunted houses DON’T mix, folks!
Happy Halloween everyone!
AJ says he’s having an office Halloween party this year, and your good pal Frosty is invited! I need some costume ideas ASAP folks!
I also need another beer. Be right back! Beer right back!
Okay, I’m back. And I even have a costume idea! I’m going as a case of beer. “Frosty, what’s up with all these empty cases of beer?” “Just throw these boxes away Frosty!” “Frosty, you have a problem!” Well if it’s making a cool Halloween costume then there’s absolutely NO problem! I told you all those empty boxes would come in handy one day. Surprise surprise, look who’s right again!
Anyway, AJ also says that if I want to come to the party then I need to write something about Halloween. I can do that! I’ve got the perfect story about Halloween. Grab yourself a cold one and strap in Muggheads, this is FROSTY’S HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR!
The time? Halloween of 2013.
The place? Edwin’s house!
Every year Edwin and his Chippendale buddies would get together and throw a big Halloween bash. It always started with a haunted house in Edwin’s yard, and it always ended with shirtless guys dancing in the living room. Edwin says his night always ended in the bedroom, but we’re not gonna go THERE!
On any other Halloween I’d show up too late for the haunted house but just in time for the party (but before the shirtless guys dancing in the living room!!). This time though things were a little different.
I was just about to crack open my first lunch beer when my phone rang. It was Slim, my best friend and, more importantly, my ride to the party that night.
“Hey Frosty, Edwin says he needs us there early today.”
Oh great. This would definitely cut into my pre-party pre-gaming!
Slim explained that some of Edwin’s Chippendale buddies had to work that night and wouldn’t be able to help with the haunted house. For some STUPID reason this meant that WE had to help instead! I was hesitant to accept, until Slim reminded me that he was my ride and my only other choice was to not go to the party. Talk about having my balls in a vise!
When we got there, Edwin greeted us with a couple of beers. Unbelievable, this clown was already drunk in the middle of the afternoon!
And no, that wasn’t an insult. Edwin was dressed like a killer clown for his role in the haunted house. I made sure to point out that he looked exactly the same as he usually does!
“Hey bitches, thanks for coming to help! Beers on me!”
He handed each of us a beer. Michelob Ultra, Edwin’s beer brand of choice. If I’d have known what would happen later that night, I’d have still made the same choice because free beer is free beer. But I’d have made the choice to not eat the sushi.
Wait, shit, I didn’t get to the part about the sushi yet, did I? Hold on.
So me and Slim get put on pumpkin detail. Edwin’s boyfriend Greg had carved some pumpkins to look scary, and it was me and Slim’s job to put them all around the yard. This was boring and easy, so we finished it quick. After finishing a few more beers, I was told to blow a monster. After I explained to Edwin that I respected his lifestyle but it wasn’t for me, Edwin explained to me that he meant blow up an inflatable monster decoration and not something sexual.
Hey, cut me some slack. If you knew Edwin you’d understand!
At first I thought I had to blow up the giant werewolf with my mouth (DON’T LAUGH AT ME!!), so I prepared my lungs by drinking another beer or two. Then I looked all over the werewolf, trying to find the piece to blow into. I asked Edwin where I was supposed to blow. This time Edwin said something sexual and high-fived one of his Chippendale buddies. Gee, thanks for the help Edwin!
Lucky for me, Slim came over to help. Even more lucky for me, I didn’t have to blow up the werewolf myself. All I had to do was plug a few things in and things inflated themselves.
As I grabbed another beer, I heard Edwin shout that food was here. Thank goodness! All this hard work was making me hungry. And thirsty. I finished my beer, grabbed another, then went into the kitchen, where Greg had returned with sushi.
Ah yes, the traditional Halloween sushi.
Wait, what?!
Edwin explained that every year it was their tradition to eat sushi after finishing setting up the haunted house. I never had sushi before, but when you’ve been working hard all day food is food, and any food is good!
I cautiously tried a piece of sushi.
Hey, this isn’t half bad! In fact, it’s all good!
So I had another piece. Then another piece. Then another piece. Then another piece. Then another piece. (Enough. ~Ed.)
A lot of sushi (and beer!!) later, and Greg was assigning our roles for the haunted house. Me and Slim were told that we’d be zombies tonight. That’s right folks, your old pal Frosty was getting an acting gig!
After Ralph, another one of Edwin’s Chippendale buddies, did our make-up, we were given the very important task of scaring the living shit out of kids!
As the sun began to set, the costumed kiddies came from every corner. These little brats had no idea what was coming.
And apparently, neither did I!
In preparation for my role as a zombie, I quickly slammed three beers. I’ve seen The Walking Dead, and I’d never seen any zombies drinking beer on there, so I had to prepare for my role by drinking BEFORE I performed my role as a zombie!
Then it occurred to me. Just what does a zombie do?
What did the zombies do in The Walking Dead? I didn’t actually pay attention, I was busy drinking!
Do zombies growl? No, wait, maybe they roar.
Yeah, that’s it, zombies definitely roar!
Well as it turns out, dear readers, I was wrong. Zombies DON’T roar. And, as an angry father kindly explained while beating the ever-loving crap out of me, they definitely don’t puke their guts up all over little kids in Dracula costumes!
As the first kid approached, I opened my mouth to let out a mighty zombie roar. Instead, I let out a mighty stream of spew. From there the scene descended into pure pandemonium and a mix of emotions.
The little kid in the Dracula costume let out a scream.
Fear.
“What the hell?”
Confusion.
“Are you fucking kidding me, Frosty?!”
Disbelief.
“You just threw up on my son, dickhead!”
Anger.
“What’s the matter with you, you fucking asshole?”
More anger.
“I’ll beat your fucking ass you drunk piece of shit!”
Even more anger.
Instead of ending with a bunch of guys dancing in a living room, the night ended with a broken nose, a puke-covered kid, and bunch of guys pulling an angry parent off of me. The haunted house had been open for a total of five minutes before it was forced to close.
And OF COURSE nobody wanted to hear MY side of the story! Nobody wanted to hear that the sushi gave me food poisoning. All they wanted to do was play games. Namely, the blame game! Instead of accepting responsibility for buying bad sushi, Greg and Edwin shifted the blame to me and my beer. Oh hell no, it’s on now, pal!
Before I could give Edwin and his boyfriend a piece of my mind, I felt a chubby hand grab me and begin dragging me away.
“Come on Frosty, I’m taking you home.”
Officer Buzzkill, better known by his real name Slim, threw me into his squad car, better known by its real name 93 Grand Marquis, and hauled me off to jail, better known by its real name my apartment!
The story doesn’t end there though!
The next day, I called up Slim to talk about this injustice that had been perpetrated against me. Slim told me that after dropping me off, he went back to help clean up only to find everyone else puking their guts up. As it turned out, the sushi really WAS bad, and I was just the first person to fall victim to its sinister spell of sickness.
Surprise surprise, look who’s right again!
I immediately called Edwin and demanded an apology on behalf of the beer that he badly blamed. Instead he brought the phone into the bathroom and let me listen as he puked his guts up into the toilet. Little did he know that was ALL the apology I needed to hear!
Satisfied, I cracked my third or fourth breakfast beer.
“Serves him right for being a Halloweenie!”
Speaking of beer, I’ve gotta go now. I just cracked the last one. Is this good enough, AJ? (Sure.)