This month in the AJnet Archives: A deleted article about OKCupid!
In the 17 years that I’ve had this site, I’ve written all kinds of crazy shit. The early years of AngryJerk.net were dedicated to offending as many people as possible and attempting to provoke the United Nations into shutting me down.
In my defense, I’ve never said it was smart or sensible.
Unlike most childish idiots, I eventually grew up just a little bit and began cleaning up the site. Articles were touched up, rewritten, and in some cases removed entirely because they were beyond salvaging. Most removed content was pointless racism and other edgy attempts at humor that would most certainly not fly in today’s world.
The article I’m about to share, OKCupid? More like OKStupid, was one of the articles I originally pulled.
Unlike most of my pulled articles though, I’m actually not sure why I pulled this one. I found it while going through old files for my AJnet Archives article about old site logos, and after rereading it I honestly don’t remember what my reasoning was for removing it. I made a very minor joke about race, maybe that was it? I really don’t know what my thought process was here.
I do however remember my thought process behind writing this article.
It was 2013, and after growing tried of having sex with crazy women I decided to try my luck at the online dating scene. Tinder was around, but it hadn’t quite caught on yet. So I tried several online dating sites, including Match, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, and OKCupid. I met up with a few women from these sites but nothing ever really came of it and most ended up being fat bitches who knew how to use Photoshop or attractive women looking for a free meal (I fell for that trick once and only once; the second time someone tried it I caught on quick and gave them a taste of their own medicine in the form of an Irish exit).
I eventually grew frustrated with online dating and went back to meeting women the old fashioned way. I’d end up meeting my current girlfriend the following year. But before I left the online dating scene, I decided to fire one last parting shot with this article tearing apart women on OKCupid.
This is OKCupid? More like OKStupid, originally published in June of 2013.
I’ve been lonely. I’ve been waiting for you. I’m pretending, and that’s all I can do. The love that I’m sending ain’t making it through to your heart.
So I decided to be more proactive in my search for love, and created a profile on a dating site that several of my friends recommended to me:
OKCupid is a dating site that matches you up with people in a designated proximity by asking you a ton of important questions to determine your compatibility. Important questions such as:
First things first, I had to create a username to describe who I am. Feeling it best to kick off a relationship by being open and honest, I attempted to choose a username that openly and honestly described me. Unfortunately, “ILikeRape” was already taken, but I noted these other great suggestions for future use somewhere else:
Who doesn’t like rape tacos, raping the cat, or rape in a box?
Seriously, these suggestions were like 20x better than my original choice, and I’m kind of sorry I didn’t go with any of them, especially “ilikerapetron”.
Out of morbid curiosity, I decided to check the availability of my other favorite username:
Great, “imolestchildren” is available! Time to pick up chicks!
Then I felt something prodding and nagging me. Stupid conscience, always ruining my fun and shit. So I went with another name:
This is also what I name my computer before I connect to my neighbor’s unsecured wifi network to pirate movies. What better way to pick up hot babes than to visit their profile using the name “NSA Surveillance”?
I went on to fill out some basic profile information. Amongst the languages was this bullshit:
C++ as a selectable language? What a faggoty load of shit. We’re off to a bad fucking start here, OKCupid.
Putting that aside, I filled out my profile. Behold, the ultimate stud:
Seriously, I’m a sex god. Within mere minutes, I had some tight little piece practically begging for the D:
Even the chicks working for the site are creaming their panties over me. Holy fuck bro:
Now there’s a woman who looks like she knows what she wants and how she wants it. She clearly wants my dick, and she wants it inside of her. Hey-o!
Bitch is so needy for some hot AJ lovin’ that she messaged me AGAIN three days later:
Woah there, this playa don’t do clingy. Ignoring this potential psycho, I moved on to the list of hot single ladies who also creamed themselves at my profile:
Looks stoned, looks like the Joker, lives in San Fran, probably a snob, likes that stupid fucking moustache meme.
I was striking out here. I needed some luck. You can’t always sit back and let the chips fall where they may. Sometimes you have to get out there and make your own luck. So I went on the offensive, hunting for babes in a mission to search-and-destroy some pussy. Behold, some of the best OKCupid has to offer.
“Things I could never do without: Sex”. Straight and to the fucking point, you know this bitch doesn’t play games:
So far so good. Now let’s look at her profile:
She likes Shemar Moore, AKA Agent Morgan from Criminal Minds? I’m down with that, dude was one of my favorite characters when I used to watch the show. Brotha knew how to fuck an unsub up. I also know what it’s like to be constantly thinking, and I know that “relaxing” is code for “Not doing a fucking thing because I lack a social life”. Now that we’ve established a connection, let’s get a better look:
Woah, never mind. I like my women on the thicker side, but I’d need to put on another 100 pounds for that role.
This woman both looks and sounds like a miserable bitch:
You don’t like happy people, and you don’t like compliments? You sound like a real thrill to be around. PASS.
I like an assertive woman, but this is ridiculous:
Enjoy being single for the rest of your life. PASS.
Finally, a woman after my own heart:
A “Pinky and the Brain” reference? Harry Potter? A clear sense of humor and wit? And holy shit she lieks Mudkipz:
I think I found my soulmate!
…Wait, what’s that say there?
GTFO bitch.
Whites only? Racist bitch:
Blacks only? She’s just stating a preference. That’s perfectly acceptable and I find nothing wrong with it:
I spend a lot of time thinking about why a person who complains about people using dating sites for quick lays would have an account on a dating site when they’re in a relationship:
k:
No, I don’t want to know more about your kids. This one translates to “I’m an irresponsible bitch who doesn’t know how to use birth control, so now I’m looking for a surrogate father to help raise my mistakes because their real father was a loser who abandoned his share of the responsibility.”:
Never mind, feel free to tell me all about those kids of yours.
Seems interesting:
Oh lawd, I think I’m in love:
Curvy? Oh yes, I love my women curvy. Lemme see dem curves girl:
…
Another semi-interesting profile:
Okay, are you really curvy, or just a fat chick with an inflated self-image?
DEAR LORD MY FUCKING EYES.
Goddamnit, what’s with all these fat chicks calling themselves “curvy”? You are NOT curvy when you look like Mimi from “The Drew Carey Show”. Please stop lying.
No, no, NO. You are NOT full-figured lady:
Jesus fucking Christ, I’m getting tired of this bullshit. Listen up you arrogant heifers, YOU ARE FAT. YOU ARE NOT FULL-FIGURED, CURVY, OR VOLUPTUOUS. YOUR FAT BOOBS DO NOT MAKE YOU SEXY OR BUSTY. For fuck’s sake, be honest about yourself and stop perpetrating this “BIG IS BEAUTIFUL FUCK ALL DA HATERZ” lie that impedes self-improvement. It’s okay to be fat. It’s not okay to lie about it.
If this bitch says she’s anything but fat, I’m done with this goddamn site:
Son of a bitch:
I was about to call it quits and condemn myself to a life of permanent loneliness, when this profile caught my eye:
After a few messages, we set up a date in the most romantic place I could think of: Rotten Tom’s backyard. Behold the beauty of our love:
In closing, OKCupid sucks but Fireball Whiskey is awesome.
Also, a whole bunch of chicks are going to be freaked out when they see that “NSA Surveillance” viewed their profile.
So that was OKCupid? More like OKStupid.
A lot of people thought the FireballWhiskee account was made by me to set up the joke. It really wasn’t, and that just made things even funnier to me. I wasn’t going to close the article out with that joke, but I came across the profile as I was finishing up and decided to use it to my advantage. FireballWhiskee was a real account, I have no idea who she was, and in retrospect I wonder how things would have played out if I messaged her.
Also kind of funny, if you look at the very edge of the picture of me holding the bottle of Fireball you can see a shoe flying at me. That was my friend Sharon performing a very well-timed kick. She did it to distract me while the photo was being taken and her foot accidentally made it into the shot. I thought the idea of a random foot coming in from off-camera was hilarious so we left it in.
This article was made during the period where I kept flip-flopping between writing for the site and retiring it, but I think that, had I not retired from writing as many times as Brett Favre retired from football, this sort of thing may have become a regular feature that replaced my already-dead Trolled series. In a way, it’s even kind of like a precursor to the Reddit Revue (which is the spiritual successor to Trolled), with me taking screenshots and heckling them. I don’t want to say that I’m not open to the idea of doing an article like this again in the future, but more than likely I’m not going to. My girlfriend is fine with most of the shit I do on AJnet Mag, but I think creating profiles on dating sites might be pushing my luck. I won’t rule it out, but don’t hold your breath waiting.
The next AJnet Archives article will most likely be old fan mail from the site’s pre-2012 days. I have about 44 pieces of fan mail sitting in my inbox, and while I’m obviously not going to publish all of it I’ll be going over some of the more interesting ones.