Battlestation Reviews – Granny Pwnage Edition

This month’s Battlestation Review: CRTs, grannies, man monkeys, and more!

Welcome back to AJnet Magazine’s Battlestation Review (better name pending)!

I originally wasn’t sure how often we’d be doing Battlestation Reviews. I knew I wanted to do them frequently enough to give them their own segment away from the Reddit Revue, but I also didn’t want to do them so frequently that I ran them into the ground. After giving it some thought, I’ve decided that every two to three months is a happy medium.

I’ve also decided that, due to the rising cost of goods and services, we’re going to downsize the number of reviewed setups per article to five. Not even AJnet Magazine is safe from shrinkflation.

But seriously, in the last article we did twelve setups, and it was way too much. We at AJnet Mag value our readers’ time, and we know you’ve got better things to do than read this bullshit. I know I sure do. Right now I’m supposed to be figuring out the pros and cons of adding more sidewalks and bike lanes to a town of 20,000, but instead I’m here looking at pictures of other people’s computers. Please don’t tell our client.

This month’s crop of setups is interesting. Or something. I don’t know, I’m honestly terrible at writing these intros. I know that we’ve got someone’s grandma in one of the setups. You don’t see that every day. And there’s another one that’s painted to look like the inside of a spaceship, which is kind of cool.

I’m running out of things to say here, so let’s get into it.

 

1. CRT Trio

Reddit battlestations are usually well-manicured and aesthetic, but /g/ is where you go when you want to see the setup of someone who actually appreciates technology. Many of the battlestations posted to 4chan’s Technology board may lack visual appeal, but they often make up for it with their practicality. You’re also more likely to see older tech, like CRT monitors.

In this case, it appears this person has a few servers running. Judging from their wallpaper, I don’t think I want to know exactly what that person is hosting, nor what those pictures on the flat-screen monitor are.

I’ve always liked open-air setups, and that’s what it seems like they’ve done here. I don’t know much about servers, but I can’t imagine there being much risk with running an open-air server so long as the room is adequately cooled and you have good dust filtration. Here in Philly I’d have to run an air conditioner 24/7 if I did this. I’m also not sure if that’s an actual server rack or just a metal shelving unit that you’ve bolted to the ceiling (at least, I think it’s bolted to the ceiling?).

The rest of the setup is okay. I’m impressed that you’ve managed to fit not one, not two, but THREE CRT monitors on that little desk. I also see the keyboard tray, and it makes me regret buying my IKEA tables. I love having the space that the Linmon/Lagkapten provides, but it sucks having to waste a good chunk of that space on my keyboard and mouse. I might return to a more traditional desk for my next setup, or even build my own.

This setup gets a 5/10. It’s got a couple of cool things, but it’s nothing special either.

 

2. Granny Gamer

When she’s not sharing Minions memes on Facebook, this granny is pwning n00bs in CoD and Fortnite while blasting Slaughter to Prevail tracks.

Do kids still play Call of Duty and Fortnite these days? I have no idea but I bet this old lady doesn’t give a rat’s ass. She’s still on there racking up 360° no-scope headshots like a geriatric FPS Doug and getting the nuke in MW2 every single time.

This boisterous 95 year old has no problem humble-bragging, claiming that she “doesn’t do much battling here” and she uses her setup mostly “for afternoon shopping”. With her sick gaming skills it’s never much of a battle, and she spends her afternoons shopping FPS lobbies for an opponent worthy of facing her as an equal.

My friend Raymundo came across her in a CoD lobby once years ago. You’ve probably never heard me talk about having a friend named Raymundo before. That’s because Raymundo is fucking dead. CantPausesGrandma wrecked Raymundo’s shit so hard that the pwnage came through his screen and killed him IRL. His funeral was closed-casket, though I’m not sure what was even left of him to bury.

If you ever come across someone named CantPausesGrandma in an FPS lobby, my advice is to just close the game and uninstall, because, in her own words, “Boy, you’re stuck on the tracks and the train’s a-comin’.”

7/10, nice desk, good decor, and clean setup.

 

3. Poor Man’s Penthouse Suite

I don’t know exactly why, but I find myself envying setups with angled ceilings. They always look so nice for some reason, and there’s something cozy about the idea of having a chill spot in the attic. I guess in a way having an attic room is like having a poor man’s penthouse suite.

This setup certainly looks like a poor man’s penthouse suite. That’s not a dig, that’s a compliment. It’s not the Ritz-Carlton but it’s still snazzy looking. Not so snazzy that it’s unaffordable to anyone making under $100,000 a year, but snazzy enough that it carries a little bit of class without breaking the bank. Budget snazz.

That’s a nice collection of Dragon Ball statues. I have smaller versions of some of them, like the one of Goku picking up Napa. But mine are just AliExpress knockoffs and factory seconds. Yours seem to be official merch, or at least closer to official than anything my cheap ass owns. No knockoffs in a room with this much class. The model cars are also a nice inclusion, I was actually just thinking about getting some for my own setup. Though mine will probably be AliExpress knockoffs.

The layout is good, it doesn’t feel cramped or confined. The placement of your computer desk is perfect, though I’m kind of confused why you have a computer on a table behind your couch. It doesn’t appear to be your main rig and I’m guessing that you just use it for the TV. Which is fine, but how exactly is it connected? I doubt you’re running wires under the carpet for that. I’m genuinely curious what you have going on there.

The lighting is minimal but still good. I’d probably have more LED strips and light bars everywhere, which would probably take away from that snazz of yours.

This gets a 9/10 from me. My only gripe is all the white space on the angled walls. It just looks empty. Maybe put some posters or other decor up there, or even paint the walls. At this point though I’m just nitpicking. Good setup, would chill here.

 

4. Monkey Man

/g/ isn’t the only place on 4chan where you can find battlestation threads. Wallpapers (General), or /wg/, is another board that routinely has a battlestation thread going. This guy is a regular on /wg/, though I’m pretty sure I’ve seen his setup a few times on /g/ as well.

The first thing my eyes go to every time I look at his setup is that damn monkey poster. I’m not sure what Solomon the Man Monkey is actually from, if anything at all. A Google search only turns up posters, magnets, and other decor. The first time I saw the poster I hated it, I thought it was the dumbest shit I’d ever seen. But now it’s kind of grown on me, and I accept Solomon the Man Monkey. I just wish I knew more about him.

The second thing my eyes always go to when looking at this setup is that chair. That is an unusual chair, and I’ve never seen one like it before. The red star frame holding the casters in place looks cool. I’m going to have to try to find the chair, hopefully it’s not a Herman Miller. Herman Miller chairs are overpriced and overrated pieces of crap, and the only reason everyone likes them is because they create the illusion of quality by being absurdly expensive. Anyone who pays close to $1,000 for a computer chair is a dope.

The rest of the setup is okay. Framing a vinyl of the Dune soundtrack is a bold move, but I can’t say shit because I framed my copy of Sugar Sugar by The Archies. I also like the weapon mounted to the wall. I’m guessing that’s something from Dune? I don’t know, I’ve never seen the movies or read the books. I keep hearing how good they are though so maybe I’ll check them out one day. I’m honestly surprised that we don’t see more swords and other weapons used as decor in these setups, especially on Reddit. I’ve seen plenty of lightsaber replicas, but for some reason I just don’t come across as many swords as I’d expect.

The desk is clean, the wall is painted, even the curtains fit in nicely with the aesthetic. This is one of the better looking plain setups I’ve seen. 6/10.

…

Alright, so I’m looking closer at the picture, and I think that Dune vinyl might actually be a laserdisc movie. If so, that’s actually really fucking cool, and I’d like to amend my score to 7/10.

 

5. CMS Osprey

One thing that can make or break a setup is the paint job. A nice coat of paint can save an otherwise bland battlestation. Unfortunately, not everyone has the luxury of being able to paint their living space, for example renters.

But then there’s paint jobs like this that take things to the next level.

It’s not uncommon on Reddit for people to give their setups a space-themed motif, I covered a really nice nebula-styled one back in June’s article. Usually though, these people go with a darker theme, focusing more on the dark/light contrast we usually associate with space. Not many people model their setups after the insides of spaceships or space stations, which is surprising given that spaceships and space stations go hand-in-hand with computers.

This person, however, has done just that. And it looks fucking good.

While it might be easy to make jokes about AutoZone, the paint job and the color scheme are outstanding. I might be biased here, but I really like the choice of orange to match the three different shades of gray. The lines appear to be perfectly straight as well. A lot of effort was put into this, and it shows. The black desk was also a good call, I don’t think any other color desk would have worked here.

This setup looks like it’s still a work in progress. You can see more pictures of the full room here. As much as I’d love to give this a perfect 10/10, it’s still incomplete. As-is, it gets a 9.9/10. I’ll be following the progress of this setup though, and I have no doubt that upon completion it’ll be a top tier member of the AJnet Mag Perfect 10 Club. I can’t wait to see the progress you make on this.

 

That’s it for this batch.

Think we were too hard on someone or went too easy on them? Maybe we missed something? Perhaps your setup was one of the ones reviewed and you want to provide more information or just give us a piece of your mind? Let us know in the comments, or send an email to the editor!

As always, we accept submissions from readers. You can email us your setups, or you can post them in the comments (I think Disqus lets you upload images?). We’d greatly prefer that you only send us your own pictures, but if you’ve found an interesting setup on Reddit or 4chan or somewhere else feel free to share it and we’ll see about including it in the next Battlestation Review (better name pending).

Last Updated on October 25, 2024