Hard Mountain Dew is a hard pass for me!
So the other day I’m over at my good friend Burger’s house kicking back a few brews with the boys when Burger says “Hey Frosty, check this out. It’s Mountain Dew with alcohol!”
Just like that man in prison named “Tiny” who is nowhere near small and is in fact large, black, and very much ready to rape you, Burger earned his prestigious nickname by being a vegan. It’s both ironic and iconic! Lucky for ol’ Frosty, at 5 foot 6 and looking like Rick Moranis Burger wasn’t much of a rapist.
You know what movie was great? Honey I Shrunk the Kids. Little Frosty watched the shit out of that movie. Hey AJ, you want to review movies? Then review Honey I Shrunk the Kids!
If I had a shrink ray, I know what I’d do with it! I’d-
Sorry, got distracted. What was I talking about again?
Oh yeah, my friend Burger. And Mountain Dew. I think (drink!)?
So anyway, Burger hands me a can and says “Try this, it’s Mountain Dew with alcohol in it!” I like Mountain Dew sometimes, and I LOVE alcohol all of the times! Now I’m a beer guy through and through but I’m not afraid to try something new, so I switched out my brew for a Hard Mountain Dew.
Hard Mountain Dew makes me want to spew!
This was without a doubt the GROSSEST thing I’ve ever drank in my life. Have you ever drank a beer that was left out in the sun for three days and had cigarette butts floating around in it? I have! And you know what? It still tasted better than Hard Mountain Dew!
This drink tasted disgusting, but I kept drinking it anyway. Frosty Mugg is many things. Most of those things aren’t very good either. But you know what Frosty Mugg ISN’T? A quitter! Hard Mountain Dew tasted like hard shit out of a hard ass but I wasn’t going to back down! Just like Tom Petty in that song, I wasn’t going to back down, I was going to stand my ground!
Be right back, gonna go put on “Free Falling”. And grab another beer. And go pee. And grab another beer. BEER right back!
Alright I’m back.
Anyway, there were three other flavors of Hard Mountain Dew to try, and I wasn’t about to give up after just one! I’m not some lightweight!
Big mistake. The other three flavors tasted just as bad going down, and they tasted even worse coming up. And come up they did, all over Burger’s carpet! The real rub though was that the huge stain on the carpet DIDN’T come up. At least that’s what Burger told me the next day, in between complaining about what a so-called “degenerate alcoholic” I am. Listen buddy, it’s not MY fault you gave me a drink that sucks! And you know what? Chicken butt! You know what else?
No, seriously, do you know what else? I just forgot what I was going to say. Hard Mountain Dew is nasty. And it doesn’t even really taste like Mountain Dew either. I don’t remember Mountain Dew tasting like complete and total garbage!
Burger said it cost him $20 for 12 of them. It tastes like trash AND it’s a waste of cash! Burger could have spent $5 more and bought himself a case of the good stuff. But in this case he blew his money, and I blew chunks on his carpet.
It doesn’t even have caffeine in it! That’s because our country has a “no-fun” law that says you can’t sell alcohol with caffeine in it. They say it’s for health reasons but if they really cared about our health they’d ban this nasty ass-flavored drink! What does the FDA stand for? Probably “Fucking Dumb Asses”! Hard Mountain Dew is FDA approved because it tastes like Foul Disgusting Ass!
I learned my lesson, readers! Frosty Mugg should stick to beer. Mountain Dew should stick to soda. And this damn bandaid should stick to my finger!!
Mountain Dew, stay away from making brew! If you’re thinking about buying this crap do yourself a favor and DON’T! But if you’ve ever wondered what an ass-flavored drink would taste like then boy (and girl, AJ says we don’t discriminate here at AJnet) do I have a drink for you!
Angry_Jerk