DEAR JUAN: The ladies won’t leave me alone!

Hola amigos, it’s your pal Señor Juan!

Many month ago Juan say bring lunch truck to AJnet office building every month sell mucho taco make mucho dinero.

Juan get text from AJ say “ey Juan there is taco truck today is not you I buy chicken taco por favor I tell you how it is”. Juan say yes that is fine and AJ buy chicken taco.

AJ buy chicken taco tell Juan “Juan this chicken taco no bueno”. Juan say is chicken taco no make mistake chicken taco very hard to do. AJ say “no Juan look I send picture” AJ send Juan picture of taco:

Tacos pollos con gringo

¡Dios mío!

Juan ask AJ if gringo make taco Juan see ground chicken holy shit why you do this stupid fucking idiot no put ground chicken on taco you must use shred chicken. Juan also see taco have nothing else on it only cheese. No sell taco no have lettuce tomato onions. Juan no see guacamole too why you sell taco no guacamole? Juan see rice and beans too but Juan no see season on rice what in the hell even gringo season rice.

Juan very confused ask who is lunch truck. AJ say is El Papí’s Kitchen. Juan know El Papí’s Kitchen. Juan know El Papí’s Kitchen very well because El Papí’s Kitchen always park truck around Uncle Paco Tacos and T-shirts shop. Uncle Paco tell Juan El Papí is boricua pretend he Mexican. El Papí no Mexican El Papí from Puerto Rico. El Papí lie to many stupid gringo no know difference between Mexico and Puerto Rico. You no buy taco from stupid lying El Papí you come to Uncle Paco Tacos and T-shirts instead buy good Mexican Uncle Paco taco and buy shirt too you tell Uncle Paco you read Dear Juan article on AJnet website he give discount too.

Juan feel bad AJ eat bad taco bring AJnet office good taco instead but forget everyone already eat lunch. AJ say “That is fine Juanito I put taco in fridge we eat tomorrow amigo”. Oh well that is life.

Today Juan answer question from crazy gringo Cave Johnson who leave Juan many comment ask stupid question but today gringo Cave no ask stupid question:

 

Dear Juan,

Ever since I followed your advice, bitches have been all over my dick! But now I can’t control them because they’re always on my dick and I can’t have sex all the time! How do I control these crazy women?

Cave J.

 

Ey Señor Cave Juan say you in over head in pants hahaha just kidding amigo.

Juan understand problem very well because Juan have many senorita want burrito all of time but Juan run out of sour cream need time make more.

Very long time ago in Ciudad Juárez Juan have many senorita at same time. Every senorita want Juan all of time but no know each other so Juan very careful senorita no see Juan with other senorita. Is okay first but then Juan have very hard time because woman always want attention. Senorita say “Juanito mi amor you no spend time with me we go on date tonight see película romantica with gringo actor Ryan Gosling por favor”. Juan say yes but then Juan see other senorita say “Juanito you still take me dinner tonight sí?” Juan say yes but now Juan have two senorita date on same night. Then Juan see senorita tres say “ey Juanito you take me dancing tonight papí”. Juan tell lie say he no feel well but senorita tres say “is okay you go home and sleep papí you sleep and you feel good in time for dancing tonight”. Juan say yes and now Juan have problema muy grande.

Juan tell Mi Hermano Rico and Mi Hermano Rico say “Juanito mi hermano menor how many senorita you talk to?” Juan say is three senorita and Mi Hermano Rico laugh very loud say “Juan eres un novato tres senoritas ahahaha”. Juan say what you mean and Mi Hermano Rico tell Juan he have five senorita at same time is very easy. Mi Hermano Rico give Juan advice also help you Señor Cave it is very easy and Juan tell you now.

Mi Hermano Rico say “Juan how many day in week?” Juan say siete why you ask stupid question. Mi Hermano Rico say “no stupid question Juan. Now how many senorita you have?” Juan say tres. Mi Hermano Rico tell Juan “You have seven day and three senorita Juan there is no problem”. Juan no understand but Mi Hermano Rico say “aye yai yai Juan you fail matemáticas?” and tell Juan is very easy if you have three senorita and seven day then you must see each senorita two day every week. Mi Hermano Rico tell Juan see Senorita Uno on lunes y jueves see Senorita Dos martes y viernes see Senorita Tres miércoles y sábado. Juan say “yes but what do on day siete?” Mi Hermano Rico say “that is when you see Senorita Quatro hahaha”. Juan no see four senorita though so Juan rest on domingo.

Señor Cave, Juan no see easy solution to problem long time ago but Juan see now is very easy. You have many senorita yes but Señor Cave you have many day in week too. You tell senorita “mi amor I very busy work very hard every day but I make one day see you” then you must choose what day you see senorita. You do this you do every senorita choose day no see two senorita on same day. Juan think you no see senorita day siete like Mi Hermano Rico say you must rest too amigo even Señor Dios rest one day in week.

Best of luck to you amigo.

Do you have a problem and need Juan’s advice? Leave a comment below (Disqus required, it’s free to sign up) or send Juan an email at [email protected]!

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By Señor Juan

AJ’s oldest friend and AJnet’s resident advice columnist, Señor Juan has been an AJnet Staff member since 2008, when AJ first hired him to pose for a picture and slash a neighbor’s tires. Since then Juan has been a valued member of the team, earning his American citizenship, piloting the AJnet Huey, and keeping Frosty from getting too carried away. His soothing stories, alleviating anecdotes, and ability to smile in even the most perilous of situations help others find the reassurance they need during troubling and trying times.