The ITALIAN Conspiracy!
The Italians are the ones REALLY ruling the world!
A big ol’ Texas howdy Truth Troopers. As always I’m Alex Jonestown, friend of freedom, enemy of The Powers That Be, and frontline fighter in the information war. And as always, I promise to deliver unto you the Truth™, the whole Truth™, and nothing but the Truth™, so help me God!
You all remember my cancellation in 2019. You all remember those fictitious accusations of racism made against me, the mainstream media talking heads calling for me to be nailed to a cross, howling for Jonesy’s blood to be spilled at the altar of their false “truth”. Even after my trial the lynch mob still demanded a sacrifice. Every day I received hundreds of death threats. My wife left me because she couldn’t handle the deluge of hatred stirred up by the enemies of the Truth™ against me. Truth Troopers Radio was pulled off the air under the guise of “hate speech”.
Now you’re probably asking yourself “What the hell did Jonesy say that was so offensive? Just who did Jonesy piss off with the Truth™?”
I’ll tell you what I said, Troopers. I’ll tell you EXACTLY what I said!
During an on-air conversation with my good friends Eoghan Loyer and Dick Bentes, we were talking about the Pope. The subject of the popemobile came up, and Dick asked why the Pope wasn’t in a Fiat. That’s when I made the joke that The Powers That Be tried to turn into my goddamn epitaph:
“Well Dick, you know about Italian tires don’t you? Dago here and dago there, but when dago flat dago WOP WOP WOP!”
It was a joke, a harmless little jab at our fine Mediterranean friends.
Or so I thought.
Two days later, I get a call from one of our sponsors. “Jonesy,” they said, “We hate to do this to you but we’ve gotta drop you.”
I had no idea what was going on. “What?”, I asked. “Why?”
“That joke you made, the one about Italians? A lot of people are upset about it.”
Just who the hell was upset about my Italian tires joke? What crybaby twinkletoed snowflake got offended by a goddamn joke about flat tires?
I got my answer the very next day when my secretary told me I had a phone call.
“Alex, someone from AIPAC is on the line. They wanna talk to you.”
Of course AIPAC was behind this! Those slimy conniving sons of bitches! Wherever there’s grime and extortion, you’re sure to find AIPAC rummaging around in the filth!
AIPAC, or the American Italian Public Affairs Committee, is a special interest group that lobbies American politicians to promote agendas that benefit Italy and the Italian people at large. Most of you fine folks reading this probably had no idea they existed. You’re probably more familiar with the other AIPAC, the American Israel Public Affairs Committee. And that’s exactly how the Italians want it!
So I pick up the phone, and this AIPAC guy, a Mr. Anthony Scarboni, tells me that my joke was offensive and hurtful to Italians everywhere. This Scarboni guy not-so-subtly implied that he could make all this go away for a “small” donation to AIPAC. Italians shaking someone down for money? No surprise there! Italians are known for their insatiable greed. Of course money could make the controversy go away!
Readers, I’ve always promised you two things. I’ve promised to give you the Truth™ and I’ve promised to defend the Truth™ until my dying breath. If I gave this greasy Mediterranean bastard money then I’d be breaking those promises. The price of Truth™ is steep, but it isn’t in dollars! And so I told that hook-nosed Italian crook, NO, the Truth™ is NOT for sale!
He laughed at me. The sick son of a bitch, he laughed! He laughed and he said “Alright, have it your way.”
The very next day I was unceremoniously deplatformed, and suddenly grieving families came crawling out of the woodwork to sue me for my views on the Sandy Hook shooting. I was told that the timing was just coincidence, there’s no plot against me from the Italians, you’re just paranoid Jonesy, blah dee blah dee blah.
Now Troopers, we’ve known each other for a while. I know you want to know the Truth™, and you know that I don’t believe in coincidence! Everything happens for a reason, and the reason I was deplatformed was because I didn’t sell my soul to the devil! The devil does indeed wear Prada. He also wears Armani and Gucci because he’s Italian! Don’t forget, it was the Romans, the ancestors of the Italians, that had Jesus Christ nailed to the cross! The same evil conniving vermin that crucified Jesus tried to crucify me too!
But as powerful as they are, they can’t stop the Truth™! They can deplatform me, but they can’t silence the Truth™! Those greaseballs wield their guilt like a giant sword, cutting down anyone who dares to criticize or challenge their rule over the world. That’s why we have the shield of the Truth™, standard issue for all Truth Troopers! The sword of Italian guilt will NEVER penetrate the shield of Truth™, not in a million years!
We’re not interested in your revived Roman Empire, Italy! We’re only interested in the Truth™. The Roman Empire fell once before, you can bet your sweet sauce-stirring asses that it can fall again! So you go ahead and hide in the dark like the cockroaches you are, plotting and planning against freedom and the Truth™. We’re coming for you, you damn dirty dagos! The Truth Troopers are coming, and we’re going to burn your Roman Empire to the goddamned ground!
And on the ashes of your fallen Roman Empire, we’re going to build our own empire, an empire of the Truth™!