The time I was abducted by ALIENS!
I was abducted by aliens!
Howdy-ho Muggheads, Frosty’s back, back again! Frosty’s back, back, tell your friends!
And tell them to pick up some more beer, I’m almost out!
Speaking of telling people things, I’m going to tell you guys (and girls, AJ says we don’t discriminate here at AJnet) about the time I was abducted by ALIENS!
I tried telling other people about this but they don’t believe me. They call me mean and hurtful things, like “liar”, “deadbeat”, and “drunk”. Sir, I may be drunk, but in the morning I’ll still be drunk and you’ll still be an asshole!
You just got Churchill’d, son (or daughter)!
I really was abducted by aliens. I remember it clear as day, even though it happened at night! The night of September 9th 2019 to be exact!!
Barty the Bartender had just closed Yellowz Bar and Grill for the night and sent me on my way with my usual end-of-the-night six pack and his usual end-of-the-night spiel of “Beat it Drunky, my name’s not Barty so stop calling me that”. I had just finished my usual night of drinking my usual brew while my usual group of friends had their usual excuse for not coming out: “Sorry Frosty, I’ve got work tomorrow”. I have work right now but that’s not stopping me from drinking!
I left the bar and began my nightly walk home. It may have been 2 o’clock, but at Casa del Frosty it was always beer o’clock! Mainly because I had one of these novelty clocks that says “Beer O’Clock”. Edwin bought it for me after I KICKED HIS ASS IN A DRINKING CONTEST!!! Have I ever told you that story? (Yes, you have Frosty… ~Editor)
Where was I? Oh yeah, aliens. I was abducted by them!
As I cracked open one of my beers, a bright light blinded me. Probably those stupid police harassing me again about drinking in public. Sorry Officer Buzzkill, but I have a court order to be intoxicated at all times! It’s not MY fault that Johnny Law didn’t tell Jimmy Law about it! That case was closed already, so get off my case and let me enjoy my case!
As it turned out, it wasn’t the police. Unless the police suddenly became short gray aliens with big heads and big eyes!
I was frozen with fear, captivated with concern, awash with alarm, taken by terror, (Knock it off and tell the damn story. ~Editor)
There was another flash of light, and I found myself standing in a large room with the aliens. Just great, now I was being abducted! I’d heard enough stories to know where THIS was going, and I knew that something would be going up my butt!
In uncertain times like these, there’s one principle that’s guided me for my whole life: When in doubt, drink!
I took another swig of my beer as the aliens continued to stare. I stared, the aliens stared, somewhere a carpenter staired. It was a very confusing time for everyone. Especially the carpenter, because he had no idea why I was including him in the story!
When in doubt, drink!
I held up my six pack.
“Anyone want a beer?”
One of the aliens stepped forward. I took this as a sign and took a beer from the pack and opened it for my new little gray friend. The alien took the beer and drank it quicker than any human I’ve ever seen!
The alien finished his beer and looked at me again. I looked back. Finally, after a very intense staring contest, the alien pointed at my beer. So I gave him another one. This time though, the alien didn’t drink it. Instead, he took the beer and placed it into some strange machine. A minute passed, and the alien removed the beer and drank it just as fast as the first one. The other aliens stared awkwardly, and I felt awkward because I didn’t bring enough beer for everybody. If I’d have know I was going to get abducted by aliens I’d have asked Marty Mike for a whole case, which he wouldn’t have sold to me because our state has laws against having fun! But it would have been the thought that mattered. I think (drink!)?
I finished my first beer, then grabbed a second, taking inventory of my remaining supply. Only two beers left. At the rate things were going we were going to have to do a beer run. The alien grabbed a third beer. Sure, just help yourself I guess, you intergalactic freeloader!
Just like the last two, the alien quickly chugged this one. I wasn’t about to let this alien out-drink me, no siree! Otherwise they might think Earth was full of lightweights who can’t hang, and they wouldn’t invite us to any cool space parties.
I chugged my beer as fast as I could, then grabbed the last one and chugged that too. I was chugging like a train, bringing the pain and showing these aliens to stay in their lane! We were neck and neck now. At least, I think they had necks? Their heads were so big that I really couldn’t tell.
I held up the empty six pack.
“We’re out of beer over here, dear!”
Almost immediately, several more aliens entered the room carrying cases of beer.
There are times when you don’t ask questions and just go with the flow. When someone shows up with a case of beer, you don’t ask questions. You shut up and drink the beer! Even if that someone is an alien! Be it there or be it here, free beer is free beer!
The aliens opened the cases and began drinking. My new gray friend handed me a beer, and together we drank, side by side, two worlds united under the banner of beer! And, wouldn’t you know it, the space beer tasted exactly like my usual brew! I guess some things really ARE universal!
Before I knew it, I was teaching these little aliens about Earth slang. And by that, I mean I began screaming “WAZZZZUUUUPPP!” like in those old Budweiser commercials from the 90s. The aliens quickly joined in, and eventually the entire spaceship was screaming “WAZZZZUUUUPPP!” What a great time to be alive! If only the guys could see me now, partying with freaking aliens! Juan would make a joke about illegal aliens, Slim would make puns about spacing out, and Edwin would be so jealous!!
But alas Muggheads, all good things must come to an end, and this good thing was no exception! After the last case was finished, the alien looked at me and I knew, it was time to go. I held up my remaining beer, and in a final salute to my drinking buddies from the stars I screamed “WAZZZZUUUUPPP!” My salute was returned with an unearthly chorus of voices also yelling “WAZZZZUUUUPPP!”, followed by a strange beeping noise.
Then I awoke in a hospital bed, where the nurse told me that I had been hit by a car while walking home from the bar. Supposedly I had stumbled in front of the car, supposedly the car had hit me, supposedly the paramedics had found me lying in the street unconscious, supposedly I might have minor brain damage now. But I knew better!
I looked out my window to the sky, and I knew that the truth was out there! And so was the beer!
Last Updated on January 24, 2025