Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan with more advice!
Many month ago Juan tell story about autism man Miguel work in kitchen at Uncle Paco restaurant. Miguel play with knife say “I am Master Onion chop chop ese”. Juan tell Uncle Paco he must fire Miguel before Miguel hurt himself play with knife but Uncle Paco say “No Juanito su mamá es mi amiga you teach Miguel instead.” Juan try teach Miguel but Miguel keep play with knife anyway.
Uncle Paco tell Juan last week “Juan you take lunch truck to Navy Yard it is very busy you must bring help.” Juan say yes that is fine I bring Domingo he is very good work very hard and make many joke customer laugh and spend mucho dinero. Uncle Paco say “No Juan I need Domingo at restaurant you take Miguel instead por favor.” Juan say yes that is fine but it is not fine because Miguel is muy loco.
Juan and Miguel go to Navy Yard and Juan tell Miguel “Okay Miguel I cook food you take customer money por favor” Miguel say yes Juan mi amigo I do that. Miguel say he take customer money but what he really do is make customer angry.
Customer order special Uncle Paco Taco is $15. Customer order special taco and Miguel say “15 bucks little man put that shit in my hand if that money doesn’t show then you owe me oh ee oh” and sing song about jungle love. Juan laugh first time but Miguel sing song every time muy irritante so Juan tell Miguel “Miguel please stop por favor joke no funny.” Miguel say “Snooch to the booch Juan I am Jay and you are Silent Bob snoogans!” Juan say no Silent Bob am Juan no sing song anymore por favor. Miguel say “No you are Silent Bob you no talk fat boy.” Juan fat but Miguel no call Juan fat but before Juan tell Miguel shut the fuck up customer come to truck and order special taco. Miguel sing stupid song and customer say “ey punk what you say you no call me little man cabrón you come here now I beat you up puto.” Juan apologize to angry customer give free taco and tell Miguel cook food instead. Juan tell Uncle Paco about Miguel Uncle Paco say “aye yai yai okay I tell la mamá de Miguel.” Miguel come to work next day and Juan very confused but Uncle Paco say la mamá de Miguel say Miguel watch gringo movie Jay and Silent Bob and that is why Miguel sing song. Juan very angry Uncle Paco no fire Miguel but it is his restaurant and that is life.
Today Juan give advice man with friend who no cut onion but smell like onion.
Dear Juan,
I have a friend with major BO. He doesn’t wear deodorant and he only showers once or twice a month. He says he’s depressed and that’s why but I think that’s bullshit. I’m depressed too but I don’t walk around smelling like onions. How can I get my friend to wear deodorant and shower? He’s been my friend for 10 years but I can’t take this anymore.
– Tom G.
Ey Señor Tom Juan know your friend is Dirty Pablo hahaha just kidding.
Juan read email see you are friends for 10 years but you no say if friend always stink every year. If friend stink 10 years then you are very good friend because Juan no friend with stinky man even one year Juan no like stinky man.
You ask Juan how I get stinky friend wear deodorant and take shower it is very easy and Juan tell you how to do it right now.
You say friend very depressed and that is why he no shower wear deodorant but you no say why he very depressed. Señor Tom you must understand being depressed is very hard sometimes. Let Juan tell you story.
Juan no depressed but long time ago in Ciudad Juárez Juan have friend Sombrío Santiago. Sombrío Santiago always very sad all of the time Juan say “ey Santiago cómo estás” and Sombrío Santiago tell Juan “¡Ay de mí! I am very sad mi vida no es buena.” Juan ask why Sombrío Santiago so sad all of the time and Sombrío Santiago tell Juan is because he no have friend and no work no make money. Juan tell Sombrío Santiago “no Santiago you do have friend is me I help you get job too you make mucho dinero.” Sombrío Santiago say “but I no have girlfriend too Juan” and Juan say that is fine you work with Juan make mucho dinero get girlfriend. Sombrío Santiago say yes that is good. Sombrío Santiago work at mall with Juan el conserje clean floor. Sombrío Santiago work very hard make mucho dinero many senorita say “oh Santiago what you do tonight you take me out on date papí.” Sombrío Santiago no Sombrío Santiago now he is Sexy Santiago talk to many senorita have sex with many senorita too Sexy Santiago esta muy feliz.
Señor Tom, you must find out why friend sad. You find out why friend sad and you help friend like Juan help Santiago. You do this and friend become happy say “okay Tom mi amigo I take shower now and I wear deodorant too. Then I have sex with many senorita and I ask if they have hot friend for you too amigo.” You help friend you have sex with many senorita too that is circle of life Señor Tom is karma.
You friend for 10 year then you must make choice. You help friend or no? Juan think choice very easy Juan always help friend every time everyone say “ey Juanito you are very good friend you help everyone all of the time.”
Maybe friend have problem you no can help fix. That is fine because you still help friend anyway. If you no can help fix problem then you must help friend help himself fix problem. You must be very positive Señor Tom you must say “ey mi amigo you do this I believe in you señor you very strong like el burro you grab life by horn like gringo pick-up truck commercial.” You give friend strength you are like steroid drug you pump friend up talk like Arnold Schwarzenegger say “yah mein kumpel you vill do eet you vill leeft zees heavy weight.” You no really talk like Arnold Schwarzenegger though Juan write and think funny joke but then Juan read and see it is not.
You do this you be good friend help amigo no be depressed and he take shower wear deodorant.
Best of luck to you amigo.
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Angry_Jerk