This month in the AJnet Archives: Wikipedia parodies!
Depending on how old you are, you may or may not remember Wikipedia’s 2010 donation campaign, where Wikipedia attempted to solicit donations from users in the form of a banner that said “Please Read: A personal appeal from Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales”. Read this Know Your Meme page if you want more info.
The silliness of the campaign became a meme across the internet, particularly in the 4chan and Encyclopedia Dramatica circles. Being an active member of both, I decided to get in on the meme action right here at AJnet by making my own parody. During December of 2010, I ran a series of banners and fictitious “personal appeals” on the site as a parody of Wikipedia’s campaign.
The first appeal was, of course, from myself. I used my real name in these for some reason, which I’ve edited out here:
An appeal from AngryJerk.net founder [AJ]
I got a lot of funny looks five years ago when I started talking to people about AngryJerk.net.
Let’s just say some people were pussies, and frowned upon the notion that people should be able to say whatever the hell they wanted, no matter how upset it made others.
No limits. No boundaries. No restraints.
Half a decade after its founding, not many people read the site. Those that do generally say it sucks, and that I try too hard to be edgy. These people are faggots. Should you ever come across one of them IRL, it is your patriotic duty as an American (Or whatever country you may be from. Except France, Mexico, or Japan. You guys suck.) to beat the fucking shit out them. I am serious. Introduce these little cocksuckers to the business end of your shoe by curbstomping them à la American History X. Make them bleed. Make them beg.
You might be asking yourself what this has to do with my appeal. Absolutely nothing, of course.
My objective is simple: I want a new laptop from NewEgg. A good laptop, not some piece of fucking shit made by HP. I have my eye on this one at the moment, but it’s subject to change.
I could also use a new computer desk. The one I have now is kind of small. Just look at it. (EDIT BY AJ: Goddamn I was a fucking slob…) And to think those fuckers at Office Max bent me over for $75 for that thing. I can’t even put my computer on it! Granted, the desk probably wasn’t designed with a 20.08″ x 8.11″ x 18.78″ 40 lb. beast of a computer in mind, nor someone using it in conjunction with a 32″ HDTV. But still, it’s fucking gay. A new computer desk would be tits.
Also, some Puerto Ricans just moved in next door, and in typical Puerto Rican fashion they blast their expensive audio system at random hours. As I type this, they’re listening to some Spanish hip-hop shit. If I had the money, I could get a stereo system and blast my music right back at them. Imagine these gangsta ass motherfuckers having their shit drowned out by something hardcore, like Iron Maiden or Pat Benatar. Fucking LOL, right? But I’m not a greedy douchebag, so I can live without this one I suppose.
Each year at this time, Jimbo Wales asks you and others all across the internet to donate to Wikipedia. This guy is a dickhead, and only uses your money to buy prepubescent Thai hookers and drugs. He is also Jewish. I think. Don’t give your money to a pedophile junkie Jew. Give it to me instead.
If you value Wikipedia as a source of information – and a source of inspiration – I hope you’ll choose to administer a 9mm injection of lead to the cranium. You’re a fucking tool.
Help a brotha out, donate your money to me today.
Peace and chicken grease,
[AJ]
Founder, AngryJerk.net
P.S. Go vandalize Wikipedia by repeatedly creating an article about this website. Be sure to send me screencaps too. For those who don’t know how to screencap: If you have a PC, use the “Print Screen” key to copy what’s on the screen, then paste it into a program like Photoshop or MSPaint. If you have a Mac, get the fuck off of my website NOW.
DO IT FAGGOT.
Click here to go to the donation page. (This was a link to a page that said “Nah man, I’m not actually going to take your money. But for your generosity, here’s a song by Taylor Swift:”, with the music video for “You Belong With Me” embedded into the page.)
But then inspiration (READ: Drunken stupidity) struck, and I decided I wanted to make more.
My next appeal came from my ex-girlfriend:
An appeal from AJ’s ex-girlfriend Stephanie [REDACTED]
I got a lot of funny looks a little over a year ago when I started talking to my friends about AJ.
Let’s just say some people were skeptical, and frowned upon the notion that people can change with the help of others, no matter how outwardly abusive they were towards others. Helping AJ recover from Borderline Personality Disorder, my biggest challenge yet.
No stability. No middle ground. No control.
Half a year later, I failed miserably. AJ finally pushed too hard, and I was shoved out of his life, like I was never even there. I went back to my mother’s house, and I cried. Oh how I cried! My friends tried to convince me to move on, that there were better guys out there. But I couldn’t just give up on AJ, could I?
No. Stephie does NOT leave her business unfinished!
After many attempts to reach out to AJ, I came to realize that his rebuffing of my help was not his own doing, but actually at the behest of his new girlfriend. So I waited for nature to take its course. Obviously they would break up, since AJ is my soulmate, not hers!
And sure enough, they did. After she left, AJ was so distraught, that he continued to rebuff my help. His replies to my text messages were filled with anger and hatred towards me. Idealization/Devaluation episodes are one of the hardest things to deal with when it comes to someone who is Borderline, but the key is perseverance. This time, AJ’s devaluation of me culminated in him posting several nude pictures of me on his website. To prove my undying love for him, I drove the 200 miles from my location to Philadelphia, and insisted that he meet me to talk about things.
I admitted that maybe I had been a little too forceful in offering my hand, and AJ admitted that he had been unfairly mean to me at times. I agreed that I wouldn’t be so forceful as I was before, and in turn AJ agreed that we could still remain in contact, and he would also remove my nude pictures from his website.
But I really want to help AJ! I love him like I’ve loved no other in my 23 years on Earth. Maybe if other people showed him some support, it might speed up his recovery, and make him come to his senses and return to my arms once again.
Do me a favor, and send AJ some kind words of encouragement. He really needs it. He really needs me, too.
Lots of love,
Stephanie [REDACTED]
AJ’s ex-girlfriend
P.S. PLEASE put in a kind word for me too!
Click here to show your support for AJ and help him overcome his Borderline Personality Disorder!
I’ve mentioned bits and pieces about my ex-girlfriend Stephanie in various articles before. No, it’s not my CFO Stephanie (I’ve known that Stephanie a lot longer, since grade school to be exact).
Long story short, my ex Stephanie was a psychology major who insisted that I had Borderline Personality Disorder (I don’t, obviously), and developed an unhealthy obsession with me that continued even after I dumped her and moved away from the mountains back to Philly. This culminated in her impulsively driving the 200 miles from Scranton to Philly one night to talk to me in person, after I decided to post nudes of her on the AJnet Forums. I haven’t talked to her in around ten years, and from what I’ve seen she’s now happily married and has kids. Good for her, I’m glad she got her life together and moved on.
The next appeal came from Grace Slick, singer for the 60’s psychedelic rock band Jefferson Airplane, and its successor Jefferson Starship:
An appeal from 60’s singer Grace Slick
I got quite a shock last year when I saw the flattering article written about me on AngryJerk.net.
Let’s just say not many people remembered who I was, and those that did frowned upon my copious alcohol consumption, drug use, and sexual activity. The time I was at rock bottom.
No dignity. No self-respect. No restraint.
Half a century later, I haven’t been up to much. Sure, I do the occasional interview for some stupid documentary on the 60’s, or make an appearance at an art show in San Francisco, but really, is that anything to boast about? They just remade Alice in Wonderland recently. You’d think Tim Burton would have asked me for permission to use “White Rabbit” in the soundtrack, right? Nope, nothing. Not even a passing mention to the song. Thanks for nothing, you creep.
Then I read AJ’s article.
How flattered I was to be admired for beauty half a century past! Where had this young man been all those years ago, when I needed him the most? Surely things could have gone differently for me had I the tender love of AJ in the 1960’s. Darby was such an asshole, and I regret every second I spent with him. Fuck that asshole. Fuck him right in the ear!
Then recently AJ decided to replace me as his queen with Ms. Tarja Turunen. While I am a bit disconcerted about this, I bear nobody any ill will, and wish Tarja a long and prosperous reign as the queen of AngryJerk.net.
However, I do bear ill will towards the staff of Wikipedia. Time and time again, my attempts to remove that hideous default picture of me are “reverted” by those self-righteous bastards. “Vandalism,” they say. This is unacceptable.
If you value Wikipedia as a source of information, I hope you’ll choose to join me in improving my article, starting by replacing that godawful picture of me with this much more debonnaire photo of me from some time which I cannot recall at present.
If you like AngryJerk.net, please show your support by editting my Wikipedia article.
Yours truly,
Grace Slick
Former singer, Jefferson Airplane
P.S. Don’t forget to mention how my “incident” at the Jefferson Starship concert in 1978 inspired Jello Biafra and East Bay Ray to form the Dead Kennedys! Oh, and you should probably mention how Darby would frequently “experiment” with the other male band members.
Click here to edit my Wikipedia article
I had a bit of an obsession with Grace, as longtime readers of the site might remember. Apparently that obsession wasn’t big enough for me to know that she wasn’t married to Darby Slick, but rather his brother Jerry. I’m really not sure why I thought she was married to Darby. I still love her music, and I’d recommend her autobiography Somebody to Love? if you’re looking for a good read.
Long time readers of the site will also remember that I eventually moved on from obsessing about Grace Slick to obsessing over Tarja Turunen, former lead singer of Nightwish (I also mention this in Grace’s appeal). As such, I also made an appeal from Tarja:
An appeal from Finnish singer Tarja Turunen
I got very upset when I was told to either leave Nightwish, or be fired.
Let’s just say some people (Tuomas) were overbearingly obsessive creeps, and frowned upon the notion that two people of the opposite sex can work together and not have sexual relations.
No respect. No self-control. No comprehension of the word “No”.
Half a decade after my departure from Nightwish, I was offered to be the queen of AngryJerk.net. What kind and generous words AJ had for me! Numerous times he complemented me on the beauty of my eyes, the color of my hair, and my “pleasing curves”. This young man knew how to treat a woman. I felt his hand reaching through the seemingly abysmal darkness, plumbing the depths of my heart. When he told me that he wished he had my angel for one moment of love, I nearly fainted.
And yet, there was still the Tuomas issue.
I moved on almost immediately, but Tuomas could not. Concert after concert, Tuomas and that untalented little pop diva Annete would sing “Bye Bye Beautiful”. Tuomas’s unwillingness to put aside his teenager-esque angst was very much evident in “The Poet and the Pendulum”.
Since Tuomas would like so much to badmouth me, let us repay him the favor.
As your queen, I am asking- no, I am COMMANDING you, to vandalize the Wikipedia page of Tuomas Holopainen. Any and all hateful things you can think of, express them in his Wikipedia entry. Let him taste some of the venom he has been spewing towards me.
Do it for your queen.
With all my gratitude,
Tarja Turunen
Former singer for Nightwish, and current queen of AngryJerk.net
P.S. Tuomas has a bit of an obsession with Johnny Depp. I’m sure you can find some way to work this into his Wikipedia article.
Click here to vandalize Tuomas’s Wikipedia entry
Man, I really got weird with some of these.
The next appeal came from an internet friend. Kind of:
An appeal from gang member Tyrone Benchley
YO ITZ YA BOY TYRONE SUP YALL
AIGHT NIGGAZ PEEP DIS SHIT
2 YEARZ AGO WEN AJ SHOWED ME HIS SITE I BUSTED MY AZZ LAUGHIN AT DAT SHIT
BUT MA BOI SHARIFF TRYIN 2 HATE N SAYIN DAT SHIT RACIST NIGGA U TRIPPIN DAT SHIT AINT RACIST MA BOI AJ GOT JOKES U JUST MAD CUZ YA BITCH GOT A STANK AZZ PUSSY AND SHE UGLY AS SHIT 2
NO TITZ NO AZZ NO CLASS
BITCH GOT SUM JANKY AZZ TEETH CALL DAT BITCH SANDY CHEEKS STRATE OUTTA MOTHAFUCKIN SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
NA BUT WE STILL KOOL DAWG
YO BUT CHECK DIS SHIT WHENEVA I TRY 2 REP WRSN N SFS-900BLOC ON DA WIKIPEDIA PAGE 4 C-VILLE DEM BITCH AZZ NIGGAZ BE TRIPPIN N REMOVIN DAT SHIT BEIN ON SOME “VANDALISM” SHIT FUK DAT YO YALL NIGGAZ FUCKIN WIT T-MONEYZ SQUAD WE FUCKIN CA$H NIGGA WE ROLL IT HEAVY N WE ROLL IT PHAT NO WUT I MEAN 4 REAL WE ROLL UP ON YA CRIB N START BUSTIN OUT SLUGS LIKE WE STRATE OUTTA MOTHAFUCKIN ALCATRAZ IM A BLACK AL CAPONE NIGGA ILL SHOOT UP YO PLACE WIT A SMILE ON MA FACE N A ROSE ON MA CHEST 900BLOC IZ DA BEST N BITCHES IZ DA REST YEA BOI WAT WAT GOT MA FUCKIN AK MA BOI SHARIFF GOT HIS MAC MA BOI OMAR GOT HIS TEC9 MA BOI J-BULLITZ GOT A FUCKIN UZI MA BOI DYCE GOT DAT RAMBO KNIFE N MA YOUNGHEAD D-TOX GOT HIS 22 WE FUKIN STRAPPED WEN WE BE ROLLIN UP ON HOODZ NIGGAZ BE LIKE “YO GRAB YA GATZ” DEN OTHA NIGGAZ BE LIKE “U TRIPPIN MOTHAFUCKA DATS SFS GET A FUKIN NUKE”
YO JIMBO U BITCH AZZ MOTHAFUCKA WE GOT YO NAME WE GOT YO NUMBA WE GOT YO ADDRESS KEEP FUKIN WIT WRSN N WE GONNA HAVE YO SHIT ON LOCKDOWN SNATCH YA BITCH RIGHT OFF THA FUKIN STREET N BANG DAT AZZ DEN BANG YO BITCH AZZ WIT OUR GATZ STOP REMOVIN MA EDITZ MOTHAFUCKA
AIGHT IM OUT YALL I GOT PLACES 2 GO BITCHES 2 DO NO WUT I MEAN LOL
PEACE YALL BE SAFE
T-MONEY (IM SO FUCKIN CA$H)
OG WRSN SFS-900BLOC
“900 BLOCK SOUTH FIRST STREET WE RUN SHIT NOW IN C-VILLE NIGGA”
P.S. I WANNA GIVE A SHOUTOUT TO ALL MA NIGGAZ: JAMAICA MON BIG O J-BULLITZ DYCE D-TOX KiNG-KRZ N I WANNA GIVE A SPECIAL SHOUTOUT TO MA BOO KELLIE <3 U N ME BABEE
CLICK DIS SHIT N GO REP SFS ON CVILLES WIKI PAGE
Back in the day when trolling Chris-Chan was still fun, I made a friend named Tyrone. Tyrone lived in Charlottesville, VA, which is where Chris is from. I thought Tyrone was just a white guy using a gimmick to fuck around with people, but I ended up having multiple chats with him over MSN Messenger (remember that shit?) and he was indeed a black guy living in Charlottesville, VA. Was he really in a gang? Maybe. He said he was and I’d seen some indication that he was telling the truth (guy was playing with a handgun on webcam at least once), but I never actually cared enough to go verify it. I never had any issue with Tyrone, he was always cool with me.
Me and Tyrone would bullshit on MSN Messenger, mostly about Chris, but also about other things. No, he didn’t actually type in all caps like that, his typing was pretty standard and basic. With Tyrone’s permission, I immortalized him and his friends with my article “Presenting the AngryJerk.net Legal Team“. Tyrone loved the site, he actually agreed with me on a lot of things. When I showed him his “appeal” he apparently fell out of his chair laughing. We eventually lost contact some time in late 2011 I think? He just kind of stopped logging on, I’m not sure if he simply moved on or if his lifestyle got him in trouble or what, but he was a cool dude. Tyrone, if you’re reading this it’s been too long homie, hmu.
Of course, Señor Juan also had to get in on the fun with his own appeal:
An appeal from illegal immigrant Señor Juan
I get a lot of funny look when I talk to people about being from Mexico.
Let’s just say some people racist, and frown upon notion that people should able to come to United States through hole in fence.
No greencard. No respect. No job.
Two decade after I come to America, I still no legal citizen. I try everything. I try having sex with many American señoritas but none of them get pregnant and have baby so I can be citizen. I even try offering them shirt from Uncle Paco so they marry me but they still say no. Juan never meet woman who no like Uncle Paco’s shirts. American woman are very strange!
But then I meet Angry_Jerk, and he give me money to post on Arthur’s Hall website and throw water on tire of motorcycle. These are very easy jobs! Angry_Jerk treat me like human being, with respect and money. He even give me nickname, “Taco Bender”. I never have nickname before, and I like tacos very much!
One day I go to Mexico and visit mi Hermano Rico but Los Zetas cartel find out about Angry_Jerk making fun of Heriberto Lazcano and try to kill me. They no kill me but they kill Hermano Rico and kidnap Uncle Paco. They tell Angry_Jerk take down article about invading Mexico or they kill Uncle Paco but Angry_Jerk send picture of his dick and tell them he no negotiate with terrorist and he find their mothers and rape them all. They send back video of Uncle Paco with broomstick in his ass and tell Angry_Jerk he will die if article no removed in two weeks.
Juan need your help in building army to go to Mexico and free Uncle Paco and avenge Hermano Rico. Angry_Jerk say I be top general in Army of Phoenix King and I give orders to many troops.
Please join Angry_Jerk’s army today.
Thanks you,
Señor Juan
Immigrant and friend of Angry_Jerk
P.S. Uncle Paco give everyone shirt if they help him.
Click here to join Army of Phoenix King (This was a link to the forum)
Obviously this wasn’t actually written by Juan. I wrote this one in a weak attempt to copy that goofy stereotypical Mexican writing style that Juan first used in his Trolled article and still uses for his advice column and other various articles. Uncle Paco wasn’t kidnapped by the cartel, his brother Rico is still very much alive. I did call Juan “Taco Bender” though, it started as a joke while watching Avatar: The Last Airbender and stuck for a few years. I still call him that every now and then for shits and giggles.
I had planned to make more appeals but never got around to writing them. I did make banners for them though:
I didn’t even start writing these ones, but I can only imagine what kind of appeals “Black Jesus” and former Philly mayor Michael Nutter would have had.
All in all, people got a kick out of these goofy little parodies, and I had fun writing them. I left them running in rotation for a few months before pulling them in early 2011.
For next month’s trip into the AJnet Archives, I’m thinking I’ll finally be doing that article I’ve been promising about the old AJnet Forums. I also plan on republishing an old article about Okcupid that I pulled for reasons I can’t remember at some point in the near future, perhaps October. As I said before, the site has plenty of history I can cover, so you’ll have many more AJnet Archives articles to look forward to.