One time, I saved the entire world!
Good heavens, just look at the time Muggheads! It’s half past story time! And boy do I have a good one for you!
Like all good stories, this one starts with a drink.
It was St. Paddy’s Day 2019 at Yellowz Bar and Grill, and the soothing scent of beer filled my nostrils, the air awash with its alluring aroma. The sounds of a full house carried across the bar, melting and melding with the Dropkick Murphys tune playing on the stereo to create an ambiance that provided the perfect backdrop to a good time. At 3 in the afternoon, my day was only just beginning, but I could feel that it was going to be a good one. Definitely.
Little did I know that today would be the day that Frosty Mugg saved the world!
As I stood waiting for my friends to arrive, I took a swig of my mug. Unfortunately, I had arrived at the bar a little too late, so my usual stool had been taken by a cute little blonde girl (who was definitely NOT single nor ready to mingle, as her large and muscular boyfriend was very quick to inform me). Even more unfortunately, the first of my friends to arrive was Edwin.
“Yo Mugg!” Edwin’s voice bellowed over the meld of the music and crowd as he entered Yellowz. Edwin really did have a big mouth! One time I told him this, and he told me it’s good for putting big things in it. But we’re not gonna go there!
Edwin made his way over to me, only stopping to pick up a Gin and Goose from Barty Mike the Bartender. Edwin sided up alongside me and took a sip of his drink. I followed suit and took a swig of my own. It was a good time for sure! Finally, Edwin spoke.
“Look at all the green in here. You know what Slim’s gonna say, don’t you Mugg?”
Our ironically nicknamed friend Slim had another nickname, and that nickname was “the Pun-isher”. Slim’s puns were so awful that, much like the comic book hero the Punisher, they could kill a man.
“He’s gonna say ‘There’s so much green in here that they should call it ‘Greenz’ instead of ‘Yellowz’!”
Come to think of it, I’m not sure why I even mentioned the “Pun-isher” thing. That wasn’t a pun. Whatever, it was still an awful joke, and Slim was going to make it again just like he did every year before, so put that in your mug and drink it!
Sure enough, Slim entered the bar not too long after, and after grabbing himself a beer pushed his way through the crowd to me and Edwin. And even surer enough, Slim said what we said he would say!
“There’s so much green in here that they should call it ‘Greenz’ instead of ‘Yellowz’!”
I took a hearty swig of my mug as Edwin let out a hearty “HAR HAR HAR”. Then I took another hearty swig. And yet ANOTHER hearty swig! And before I knew it my mug was empty. Time for a refill!
I made my way over to the counter and slammed the empty mug down.
“Barty, gonna need a refill over here spud bud!”
The owner and bartender of Yellowz grabbed the empty mug and refilled it with more amber-colored goodness, making sure to throw in a free lecture about how his name wasn’t Barty and how I needed to stop calling him that. My eyes wandered towards the door, where Juan was now entering.
You’re probably wondering what this has to do with me saving the world. You probably think I’m just rambling on about nothing like I “always” do. Well I’m not, Mr. Editor-in-chief! So DON’T delete this! Because, behind Juan, a mysterious man with an eye patch walked in! And that mysterious man with the eye patch would be the threat that your pal Frosty saved the world from!
My focus immediately shifted from Juan to the man with the eye patch. Who was he? What was his name? What was his game? His claim to fame? How did his eye get maimed? Who took the blame? Did he have a dame? Did he know no- (Knock it off and tell the damn story, Frosty. ~Editor)
Barty Marty finally finished his lecture about his name not being Barty, and I went back over to Slim and Edwin, who were now joined by Juan.
“Hola amigo!”
“Hey Frosty, what’s up?”, Juan replied in perfect not-broken English because AJ said people will call me racist if Juan speaks in any other way in my stories.
I pulled Juan close and spoke to him, amigo to amigo.
“Hey Juan, you see that guy with the eye patch over there?”
I made a point to point at the man with the eye patch, otherwise Juan wouldn’t know who I meant and my statement would be pointless.
“Yes, what about him?”
“Something’s not right about him, he looks suspicious!”
Juan looked for a moment, watching as the man ordered a drink and surveyed the bar through his one good eye.
“He looks like a pirate,” Juan joked. Good old Juan, always smiling and laughing even in the face of danger! Unfortunately, I wasn’t laughing. This was no laughing matter, something was the matter here, this guy missing an eye was up to something, and I was going to put a stop to it!
I chugged my beer, let out a mighty belch, and turned to Juan.
“When’s the last time you saw a pirate around here, Juan? The ocean is hundreds of miles away!”
The guy didn’t have a parrot or a peg leg! Not even a funny hat with a skull on it! There wasn’t a boat parked outside last I checked (how long had I been here anyway?) I know pirates, and I know that this man was no pirate!
Edwin interjected. “Are you guys talking about Patchy over there? He looks like a Bond villain!”
Son of a bitch. Edwin really sucks, but when he’s right he’s right, and if this guy with the eye patch was left alone we would all be left in serious trouble. Seriously! Eye patch guy was a SUPERVILLAIN, and obviously James Bond had been eliminated. That’s what he gets for telling everyone who he is all the time! What the hell kind of spy tells everyone who they are anyway?
If it’s got to be, then it’s up to Frosty! Nobody else seemed to notice or care, but not me, no siree! If they weren’t going to step up then I was! I wasn’t sure what this bad guy was up to, but the ENTIRE WORLD was at stake here! And make no mistake, ol’ Frosty Mugg was going to save it. No world means no beer, after all!
I went to take another swig of my beer and realized it was empty. I glanced over to the bar. The man with the eye patch was still standing there, sipping away at his own beer and still glancing around the bar through his one good eye. Perfect, time to do some recon!
“Watch my back boys, I’m going in!”
Edwin laughed, while Juan shook his head and said something in Spanish.
I made my way to the bar, cautiously cramming myself into the carousing crowd. When I finally made it up to the bar, I was pleased to see that my patchy pal was still standing there. I flagged down Matty Martin MIKE the bartender, who grumbled something about names again and began refilling my mug. From the corner of my eye I saw the man without an eye begin making his way towards the corner of the bar, where the bathrooms were. Ha, I found a weakness! This supervillain had a bladder just like everyone else! Not so super now, huh buddy? Number 1 had to make a number 1, and now was the time to strike.
Mike handed me my beer, and I made for the bathroom. This was it! I had the supervillain cornered, and I was going to put the kibosh on his grand plan (whatever THAT was!)
The man with the eye patch went into the bathroom, and Frosty Mugg followed!
As my one-eyed nemesis unzipped his pants and prepared to pee, I approached and prepared to save the world! The man noticed me and spoke.
“How’re ya doing?”
I took a deep swig of my beer, chugging the entire thing like my life depended on it (it did!)
“Better than you, Blofeld!”
“Wha-”
Before the villain could spew his LIES, I swung my empty mug as hard as I could. The mug shattered across the man’s head, and the man crumpled to the ground. I leaned in, grinning.
“Bet you weren’t ex-SPECTRE-ing that, asshole!”
I should have really left the bad puns to Slim!
With that settled, it was time for a refill! Or in this case since I broke the glass, a newfill. Is that a thing? Well it is now! You heard it here first folks! I left the bathroom and made my way back to the bar. I threw my cash on the counter.
“I’ll take another, Barty!”
Barty sighed and poured me another cold one, this time withholding the “Stop calling me Barty” speech. I made my way back to the gang, grinning with the self-satisfaction of a man who just saved the entire world from a supervillain. As Slim began to make one of his patented bad puns, I cut him off and raised my glass.
“A toast, gentlemen!”
Everybody raised their glasses in and clinked them together in unison.
“A toast to what?” Juan enquired, still in perfect non-racist English.
I grinned as I saw paramedics come rushing into the bar towards the bathroom.
“A toast to the world!”
I found out later that the man died from his injuries, thus ensuring that the world remained saved for the foreseeable future.
What can I say, except “You’re welcome!”