REDDIT REVUE: r/Crushes

July 31, 2024 Angry_Jerk

This month’s Reddit Revue: r/Crushes!

I remember my very first crush. It was second grade, I was about 6 or 7 years old. There was a girl with curly hair named Melissa. Girls were stupid and they had cooties, but there was something about Melissa that made me not care about any of that. Melissa ended up not liking me back, but I’d still get my first kiss later that year in the middle of gym class from a chubby girl named Sabrina after I ran after a stray basketball for her.

I also remember my first girlfriend. It was fifth grade, and her name was also Melissa. Not the same Melissa from second grade, I had long since moved on from her. Me and Melissa went to the fifth grade dance together, we kissed at least once that I remember, and I spent more of the night dancing with two other girls, Jackie and Stephanie. Needless to say me and Melissa didn’t last very long after that. Jackie and Stephanie are still very good friends of mine to this day. Melissa on the other hand transitioned to a male and switched her name to Mel. Mel is doing well from what I’ve seen on social media, he’s a big fan of The Offspring and has gotten to meet Dexter Holland multiple times.

In my freshman year of high school, I developed a serious crush on a chubby girl. Her name? You guessed it: Melissa. I swear to God I’m not making this shit up.

I crushed on Melissa all the way into junior year, until one day she put me on blast in front of an entire classroom for having a crush on her for three years but being afraid to talk to her. I don’t know why I was so afraid to talk to her in particular, but I do know that after she publicly embarrassed me I ended up hooking up with one of her friends in response. I’ve seen her recently, and she’s fat and dumpy as fuck with two kids from some loser. Take that, bitch.

I never figured out why I was so attracted to girls named Melissa. There was just something about the name that plagued me for most of my school years.

Anyway, this month’s Reddit Revue is r/Crushes.

I didn’t even know this place existed until a reader suggested it to me, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that there’s an entire subreddit dedicated to obsessive losers who would rather talk to strangers online than the person they’re crushing on. I suspect this is going to be close to what we saw on r/MaleDatingStrategy, but who the hell knows anymore. All of Reddit is a giant cancerous cesspool, so why would r/Crushes be any different?

What horrors await us on r/Crushes? Let’s put our septic scuba gear on and dive right in.

I call bullshit, no 26 year old woman would say “he’s got the chest of a young Harrison Ford”.

Bulge in the crotch.

If she’s viewing your Insta then she definitely wants to fuck. Everyone knows that.

Worst advice ever. How am I supposed to get a blowie if the place is well lit and she’s busy talking?

Just stay in the friend zone you chicken shit.

Did you try telling him you weren’t interested?

No, of course you didn’t, because you’re an idiot. He deserves better.

Why would someone think it’s acceptable to share this-

Oh, right, we’re on Reddit.

Cool username though, Reid was one of my favorite Criminal Minds characters.

I was going to make a comment about how you need to stop being a little bitch, but, holy shit, you actually wrote “it really hurted me”, and very clearly not as a joke.

I say your cousin should stop talking to you.

Also, go with the banana flavored condoms.

Give it a shot, and if it doesn’t work out then you can always go fuck yourself. You know, because you’re a total pussy.

What is you’re relationship with the English language?

Go, but hook up with her boyfriend instead.

…

Oh god, I’m sorry, that joke was Reddit-tier.

“Girl, imma call you Burger King, because I’m about to have my way.”

GODDAMNIT IT’S “YOUR”, NOT “YOU’RE”.

Yup, sounds about right.

Tina Belcher makes a post on r/Crushes. Also, she’s apparently bi now.

Tell him to invest in your ICO.

Oh, you wanted flirty risky texts. My bad.

Yeah I remember seeing my first Laci Green video too.

Then I saw what she actually looked like without the angles and filters.

I didn’t care, I fapped anyway. But I fapped shamefully.

Man I’m glad pronouns weren’t a thing when I was a teenager. This shit’s confusing.

When your crush’s mom wants to bang you.

r/Crushes user discovers women for the first time.

Here’s a better tip: Don’t tell someone your secrets after they’ve already admitted that they share everything with their friend.

Try /pol/ or /fit/, those guys are always posting shit like this.

If the majority of posts I’ve seen on r/Crushes are anything to go by, girls will be confused no matter what you say.

Guys too.

Imagine being the person who posts shit like this.

Holy crap.

She thinks you’re a weirdo.

For what it’s worth, so do I.

If this person put the same amount of effort that they do analyzing stupid bullshit like this into doing something productive they’d be the next Elon Musk.

Minus the part where they’re a con man.

But would you block a rich black man?

You sound deranged. I wouldn’t be interested anymore either.

Bang his friend.

Get good at eating pussy.

Holy shit, imagine being so narcissistic that you think you’re turning a gay guy straight in five months.

It’s fucking great. Every morning I wake up to a different A-list actress blowing me. This morning it was Anya Taylor-Joy. Tomorrow I’m thinking it’ll be Margot Robbie.

After eating a breakfast of three scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese, spinach, sardines, and toasted sourdough bread with Kerrygold butter, I hit up my two best friends Keanu Reeves and Ryan Gosling on my Nokia 6126 flip phone. We break into Jay Leno’s garage, steal one of his vintage hot rods, and do donuts in the middle of Ventura Boulevard while blasting Timmy Trumpet songs. We do this every single day. You’d think by now Jay would hire better security.

When we get bored of that we drive over to Marilyn Manson’s house to buy drugs. We get fucked up off of speedballs and beat up homeless people. We do this until about 5 AM, then we go watch the sunrise, give each other handjobs (no homo), and take horse tranquilizers until we pass out.

I still have no idea how I wake up in my bed every morning after this, let alone with a different actress each time.

Oh dear. Who wants to tell her?

Bro have you even seen the news lately, grown women are banging teenage boys left and right these days.

Yes, I’ve heard that dating them can be a blast. They really know how to bang.

But they won’t give oral sex to fat chicks.

What

Imagine how awkward it must be as a gay guy when you hit it off with another dude and it turns out your gaydar was malfunctioning and he’s not gay.

Tinder for teenagers? Excuse me, but what the actual fuck

I don’t know but any school that has a rule called “No purple” isn’t a school I’d send my kids to.

But judging by the behavior of everyone in this post, it sounds like it’s a school for special needs students. Suddenly the “No purple” thing makes a lot of sense.