Twitch’s support is terrible, but just how terrible is it?
After my recent experience with Twitch’s support team, I decided to compile a list of people, companies, and other things that provide better support than Twitch.
Comcast
“What the fuck AJ?!”, I hear you say. “Comcast is known for having the worst customer service in America!”
I live in Philadelphia. Our two choices for internet here are Comcast or Verizon. I went with Comcast, because for reasons unknown the place I lived in at the time wasn’t wired for anything above Verizon’s 1-3 Mbps plan. This was in 2014-2015, when FiOS was still in the slow process of being rolled out across the Comcast-controlled city.
It’s currently 2021, and the place I live in now can get FiOS. Unfortunately, I’ve been too lazy to switch away from Comcast and am currently paying $112 a month for a 200 Mbps plan. I should really get around to switching to FiOS. Maybe next month or something. Disregard that, Verizon is actively censoring torrent sites.
One day my internet went out, and wouldn’t come back on after a day. I called Comcast, and after rebooting my router for the lady who totally wasn’t in India they agreed to send a tech out. The next day, a tech came out and discovered that there was an issue with the cable that was going into my house. He fixed it then and there and restored my internet.
Comcast provided reasonable customer service and resolved my problem in two days. Twitch provided terrible customer service and still didn’t resolve my problem in two weeks.
The homeless guy panhandling for beer money
One time I was at a party and there was this girl who needed a pack of smokes but couldn’t legally buy them because she was 20, and the age to buy tobacco in the US is 21 (don’t even get me started on this bullshit fucking law). Being the gentleman I am, I offered to buy them for her. She gave me the cash, and we went to the convenience store to get her ciggies.
We got to the convenience store, when I realized something: I left my wallet at home.
To prevent myself from buying more booze beyond what I brought with me, I had left my wallet at home that night. Smart, but it meant I didn’t have my driver’s license with me. Whatever, I’m very clearly over 21, I haven’t been carded for anything in like eight years.
I went in to buy the cigarettes and was immediately carded by the cashier, who looked young enough to be one of my illegitimate kids from prom night. I politely explained that my wallet was at home, I hadn’t expected to be carded, nobody’s carded me in years. Evidently this bitch had come to work with her steel-toed boots on and was prepared to break some balls.
“Sorry sir, I can’t sell you these without ID.”
I again explained that I left my wallet at home, it was very obvious that I was over 21, just sell me the damn cigarettes so I can get back to my party.
“No ID, no cigarettes. Sucks to be you I guess.”
Before I could open my drunk mouth and give this snarky bitch a verbal beatdown, I noticed the uniformed police officer standing watch about 15 feet away. Not worth it, these cigs aren’t even for me anyway. I walked back outside and explained the situation to the girl. She was disappointed, but understood.
As we discussed other stores we could go to, we were rudely interrupted by a homeless guy asking for change. As he walked away, that’s when I got an idea.
I asked the girl if she was willing to spend an extra $5 on her smokes. She said “Yeah, I guess.” I called the homeless guy back over and offered him $5 to buy her smokes. He agreed, and he went in and got the cigarettes with no trouble. We not only gave him $5, but the rest of the change as well. In the end this homeless guy netted about $7 or $8, more than enough to buy his Steel Reserve.
We asked this homeless man for help and received cigarettes with no bullshit. I asked Twitch for help and received nothing except bullshit.
Twitch, please give a job to the homeless man panhandling outside the Wawa at Tyson Ave and Roosevelt Blvd. Unlike you guys he actually gets shit done.
EA Games
I’ve never actually had to deal with EA Games’ customer support, but I’ve heard they’re almost as bad as Comcast.
Still, they’re probably not as bad as Twitch. Twitch support blows.
Wet cardboard
One time I was really bored, so I took a wet Amazon box and tried to see how much stuff I could fit in it before it gave out. I was able to fit four beer bottles (empty of course, I’m no barbarian) in the wet box before the bottom collapsed.
Twitch’s support is more comparable to wet toilet paper, since it does absolutely nothing.
My ex-girlfriend
When I was in my early 20’s, I had a simple dream: I wanted to manage the world’s best boyband.
I had it all planned out. We’d be called “Boyz 4 Men”, and our label would be “Touchy Uncle Records”. Some of our hit singles would be classics such as “Uncle Sneakyhands”, “Big Heart Little Heart”, and “Don’t Tell Your Parents”.
The band’s line-up?
You’d have P-Diddle (the “cool guy”), McFeely (the “heart throb”), Gare-Bear (the “beef cake”), Butch (the “closeted but obviously gay guy”), and Mitch (the “Justin Timberlake”).
I was ready to quit my supermarket deli manager job and pursue this dream with everything I had.
In my excitement, I approached my girlfriend at the time and told her of my intent to quit my job and start what would surely become the next Backstreet Boys or NSYNC.
She laughed in my fucking face.
I told her that I was very much serious, and showed her the letter of resignation I had written for my current job. Her laughter turned to confusion, then anger. Next thing I knew, she was screaming at me, calling me hurtful names like “asshole”, “jerk-off”, and “pedophile”. All because I wanted to better my station in life.
Not only that, but this heartless bitch apparently had connections in the music industry and was using them to try to steal my idea. Before long I had some assholes in suits snooping around asking me questions about my planned boyband. They told me they were with the FBI, but I’m no dummy. Sure, their fake badges may have been realistic, but why would the FBI be interested in some jerk’s plans for a boyband? Nice try, Lisa.
I ended up shelving my boyband project for the time being. Perhaps one day you’ll be able to catch the latest Boyz 4 Men video on MTV, but thanks to my unsupportive ex-girlfriend that day is not today.
My ex-girlfriend went out of her way to dash my dreams. Twitch support didn’t even do that much, they were just straight-up fucking lazy.
A Nigerian 419 scammer
You ever get one of those spam emails from the Nigerian prince who says he’ll share his money with you if you do a bunch of shit that usually involves sending them money?
Yeah, there’s usually an actual person behind them.
There exists an entire site dedicated to giving these scammers what-for, the infamous 419Eater.com. On 419 Eater, the “scam-baiters” succeed in getting the scammers to do all kinds of crazy things. Really, look at some of this shit, it’s great.
These scammers will bend over backwards to convince you to give them your money. Twitch support won’t even so much as pretend to give a fuck about helping you.
People on Quora
Quora is like if Reddit fucked Yahoo Answers, and the two made a butt baby.
When you need not so much an actual answer as a moral evaluation of your question, and you need that moral evaluation to be given to you by some bleeding heart retard or some moron in India who used Google Translate to provide their useless reply, Quora is the place to go. Seriously, like 90% of Quora users are from India, I have no idea why.
While their answers are usually worthless and dumb, at least they tried to help the person they replied to. Unlike Twitch support, who didn’t try at all.
A deadbeat dad
Most deadbeat dads rarely pay child support or take part in their kids’ lives.
“Rarely” is still more than “never”. Twitch support never seems to want to take part in the support process or do anything to help users.
The Winamp Forums
Just kidding, fuck those guys. Especially DJ Egg.
But the snarky responses provided on the Winamp Forums still had more effort put into them than any response I got from Twitch, so I guess there’s that.
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