9 People and Things We Can Cancel

9 People and Things We Can Cancel

Social Commentary

Since Cancel Culture is in full effect, I’d like to offer some suggestions on people and things to cancel.

1. Mumble Rap

As someone with very diverse taste, I believe that music is the most human thing in the universe.

Music can both raise us up and bring us down. It can bring back memories and help us create new ones. Among all of mankind’s creations, music will always be the most important and powerful, even more than the wheel and fire. I’ve read countless stories from alien abduction victims over the years, and I have yet to read one where the abductee heard music playing aboard the alien ship. I have no doubts that the ability to arrange sounds and process them in a way that provides enjoyment is one of the rarest abilities in the entire universe, and that any alien race visiting Earth would never be able to understand the concept of music. Music is quite literally the essence of humanity, captured and translated to tonal form.

With that said, mumble rap is fucking garbage and should be canceled immediately. We don’t want the aliens to think we’re a bunch of losers with shit taste, do we?


2. Overwatch

Overwatch sucks ass now.

I remember long nights with old friends escorting the fuck out of some payloads while maining Junkrat. We talked mad shit (SYDNEY HARDKUNTS, OI OI OI) while stomping mad ass. The matchmaking was so fast that I barely had time to take a piss and grab another beer in between matches.

I recently reinstalled this game after being out of the loop for a year or two. Holy shit, what the hell happened?

To start, I can’t just pick a character and play. I have to decide before I even search for a match whether I want Tank, Damage, or Support. No changing up classes depending on the situation, every team MUST obey some bullshit meta. That is, if you can even fucking play the game. In the time I spend waiting to find a match in “quick” play I can cook a three-course meal, wash the dishes, take a shit, down an entire six-pack of beer, host a peace summit with North Korea, develop the formula for interdimensional travel, and still have time to rub one out before I actually find a match.

I’m not even that annoyed by the incessant and obvious pandering to the LGBT community (Blizzard practically throws a ticker-tape parade every time they confirm one of their characters is gay; How about treating gays like actual people instead of a marketing demographic?). I’m even willing to kind of overlook how they kowtowed to the Communist Party of China by screwing over Blitzchung. I just want a game that’s fun to play.

If Blizzard won’t fix their stupid and broken match queuing system, let’s cancel their bitch asses.


3. Car Warranty Robo-Calls

My car warranty has been expiring for about nine years now, which is fucking insane because I’ve only owned my car for seven.

Time and time again I’ll be hitting the weights when my headphones stop playing music to tell me I have an incoming call. It’s almost always in the middle of a heavy set, and it’s almost always these jerk-offs calling to tell me that my car warranty is expiring. If that’s not enough, when I swipe to ignore the call these robo-dicks leave me a voicemail that starts about halfway through their pitch. I almost failed my set for this shit? Fuck off, cock-bot.

What’s worse, the government knows some of the people behind this bullshit. One guy is living in Florida and has already been punished by the FTC for this before, yet continues to do it. Don’t tell me we don’t have the resources to deal with this guy. A plane ticket to Florida is $200, a baseball bat is $20. We can solve this problem for under $500.

Nobody likes these assholes, and nobody will miss them when they’re canceled. The Louisville Slugger is optional.


4. News sites that autoplay videos with audio

Why is it that every single news site on the entire internet thinks it’s a good idea to blow my ear drums out with a video whenever I happen to follow a stray link to a story that interests me?

Hey asshats, if I wanted to watch the news I’d turn on my TV. Smacking me in the face with a video as soon as I load your site isn’t going to get me to stick around, it’s going to piss me off and I’m going to either leave or blacklist all videos on your site with uBlock. Also, fuck you for unpausing the video after I already paused it.

Whoever came up with this idea in the first place deserves to be sodomized in Hell with a rusty chainsaw. Why doesn’t Chrome have an extension that stops videos from automatically playing on certain sites? The only “workaround” we have is to disable media autoplay for everything, which is bullshit because it also interferes with YouTube and other sites.

Autoplaying videos on news sites should have been canceled five years ago, but better late than never.


5. Gas Station Panhandlers

How many times have you been pumping gas when some asshole ambushes you and gives you some sob story about why they need a few bucks to buy gas or something that totally isn’t drugs or booze?

Nearly every time I’m at the pump one of these clowns somehow manages to creep up on me, no matter how attentive I am to my surroundings (the pumps blasting advertisements at 100db don’t help either, just saying Wawa). They’re like greasy ninjas, dropping down from the gas station roof and trying to use con-jitsu to scam you out of your hard-earned money. Only an idiot would fall for their bullshit. I had one guy try to exchange his “valuable” watch for $10. I saw that same watch at Dollar Tree for $5, now get lost scumbag. Sending your kids over to ask me for money won’t influence my decision either, if they’re old enough to ask me for money they’re old enough to receive a middle finger.

The guys who hang at the doors are only slightly less annoying, at least I can keep walking and ignore them. Creeping up on someone pumping gas is a great way to get yourself killed, or at least knocked the fuck out. We need to cancel the gas station panhandlers, for their own safety.


6. Corona (the beer)

Mexican piss in a bottle. Cancel it.


7. Kat Dennings

God I can’t stand this bitch.

I don’t know what I hate about her the most: Her flat and bland acting, the fact that she plays pretty much the same character in everything she’s in, or that voice of hers that sounds like nails on a chalkboard. There’s only one woman who can get away with sounding like that, and Kat doesn’t voice Louise Belcher so her and her obnoxious voice can fuck right off. The only reason Kat has gained any popularity is because she’s a sarcastic bitch with huge tits. That’s it, that’s all she does. Throw her into the MCU with some glasses and now she can pander to Le Reddit Nerd Culture™ too. We’ve become way too easy to appease.

I know she’s hot, I never said I wouldn’t take her to Plowtown. Still, I don’t care how big those Khazar milkers are, Kat Dennings is a shitty actress and should be canceled from television. I’m willing to hire her to work my bedroom though.


8. Auto-Starting videos on Netflix

I’m not talking about the trailers that autoplay if you hover over a show, you can turn those off.

What I’m talking about is how I can’t read an episode summary without the episode automatically starting up. Who thought this was a good idea? On Hulu, Disney+, and pretty much any other streaming service I can browse episodes of shows and read summaries before picking the episode I want. But on Netflix I get half a sentence in before I’m rudely interrupted with “BA-DUMMMMM”.

Perusing Reddit and the rest of the internet shows that everyone agrees with me, cancel this Boston-baked bullshit.


9. Big Mouth

I think I might be the only person who doesn’t find this show funny.

Everyone talks about how great and funny this show is and I just don’t agree. I gave it a chance, I watched a few episodes, it sucks. Ha ha, the kids are going through puberty. Ha ha, teenage hormones are represented by monsters. Ha ha, the gym coach is a perv. Ha ha, sex. A Seth MacFarlane show has better jokes and more depth. Hell, even Paradise PD is funnier than this shit.

Cancel this unfunny garbage masquerading as comedy.


What other people, things, or shows should we cancel? Let me know in the comments!


Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. Maybe he's bored, maybe he's drunk, maybe he's both.