HomeAdviceHealthy Alternatives to Committing a Mass-Shooting
Healthy Alternatives to Committing a Mass-Shooting
March 2, 2019
America has an anger problem. I’m here to solve it.
Americans are angry.
Their economy has fallen to shit, their power and influence on the world stage is waning, their tech industry is near shambles, their liberal arts degrees aren’t worth diddly-dick, their president is a straight up clown, and their youth are a bunch of shitheads with an entitlement complex and poor taste in music. A feeling of near-powerlessness has washed over the unwashed masses. A fear of uncertainty has gripped the land, and slowly but certainly Americans begin to lose their grip. This once-great country is staring into a dark abyss, and the eyes of a great sickness stare back, illuminating our people with its evil red glow. America is seeing red, turning white with fear, and feeling blue.
In all their anger, fear, and sadness, Americans are turning to a new outlet to release their pain. I’m talking about spree killing. No longer content with keeping all that hatred and sorrow to themselves, Americans are turning one of the most time-honored traditions in this country’s history: killing people. It has become a near-daily occurrence for some angry bitter asshole to grab a gun and try to shoot as many people as they can in some horribly misguided attempt to vent their anger. The left’s response is to take guns away, the right’s response is to arm more people. Neither side seems to want to address the actual problem, which is the anger itself.
While I can’t propose a cure to America’s anger, I can certainly offer angry Americans some more constructive and productive outlets to release their anger. This article will serve as a guide of sorts for those of you who are having thoughts about shooting up a public place or considering mass murder of some form.
1. Become a vigilante.
Let’s face it, killing innocent people who did nothing but go about their daily business isn’t going to do jack shit. What the fuck did that soccer mom do to you? Or that freshman two grades below you? You don’t even know that guy, so why do you want to kill him? Don’t give me that bullshit about “He’s just another one of society’s clones” or whatever. You’re planning on committing a mass shooting, you’re not any more fucking original yourself.
But you already bought the gun, you already stocked up on the ammo, and you even made a couple of pipe bombs (courtesy of anarchists_cookbook_jollyroger.txt). And for training purposes you even watched “Natural Born Killers” a few times. Might as well put all that shit to use, right? No sense letting it go to waste. What you need to do is take that unbridled rage and use it for good. You need to become a vigilante.
America may have an anger problem, but it also has a crime problem. While the anger isn’t easily cured, the cure for crime is simple: multiple injections of lead administered to the cranium and/or torso at high velocity. Instead of walking into your school and blasting up a bunch of jocks, walk into your local crack house and put a slug (or several) into every last drug-dealing piece of shit and worthless junkie. What exactly are you afraid of? Getting shot? Motherfucker you were planning on getting shot dead by the cops or shooting yourself.
You literally have no excuse for not becoming a vigilante. Do you want to be remembered as the douchebag who shot a bunch of innocent people, or the bad ass who finally had enough of the scumbags ruining the community and busted down their door guns blazing like he (or she, I’m not sexist) was the Punisher? That’s a pretty simple choice, IMO.
2. Become an alcoholic.
It may hurt your liver, but it’s still medicine.
If you’re thinking about shooting innocent people, have a beer and think it over. Nobody ever just has a beer, so chances are you’ll have another. You’re not some two-beer queer are you? Have a third. Three beers in, you’ve got a nice little buzz going now, so why stop there? Beer number four it is! Hold up, this is your favorite song playing! Let’s fucking rock out! The party doesn’t stop until you drop! Grab that fifth beer tiger, it’s a fucking party! Now you’re finishing that fifth beer. You have one more left in the fridge. There’s no sense in leaving one beer, so you’d better finish it. Aw man, out of beer! Better make a run to the store to pick up some more.
Home at last! AND you managed to evade that DUI checkpoint! Fucking fascist pigs, checkpoints should be illegal. That makes you angry. Angry… wait, weren’t you supposed to be doing something? Oh yeah, you were supposed to go out and shoot up that movie theater. Shouldn’t have bought that second six pack. Oh well, no sense letting it go to waste.
12 beers later, and you realize you’re too fucked up to pick up the gun much less fire it. Instead of your night ending with you committing suicide-by-cop, your night ends with you stumbling down the street singing “Danny Boy”. Beer saves the day again!
3. Start a rant website.
You’re angry, you’re bitter, you’re cynical. Everyone else around you is a moron. As far as you’re concerned, the world can go fuck itself. You could assert your superiority over others by launching some half-assed assault on a public venue that will most likely end with you being gunned down by the cops. OR you could do something else.
Where I come from, there’s a saying that goes “Words are like bullets”. They say it every morning on “The Preston and Steve Show” (MMR ROCKS!), so you know this shit is solid. There’s also another saying, by the Great DMX, “TALK IS CHEAP MOTHERFUCKA”. Bullets are fucking expensive nowadays. Since words are like bullets and talk is cheap, you can save mad money by using words to attack your enemies! And with the internet, your range is limitless. With every keystroke you are effectively firing a shot at your enemies no matter where in the world they are. You can’t reach that asshole in Canada with a sniper rifle, but you can reach him with your keyboard. Combine all that shit I just said, and create a rant website.
No more worrying about that pesky SWAT team or some bystander who happens to believe in concealed carry ruining your fun. With the power of the internet comes the perk of anonymity (in two or three years I’m going to look at that sentence, laugh at how dated it is, then silently cry and ask what happened to the internet I once knew). I’ve done all kinds of shit while hiding behind a computer, from harassment to extortion to terroristic threats. And the best part is you can always stop to look at porn. Can you stop to beat off while you’re shooting up a school or shopping mall? Fuck no you can’t.
Take it from me. Instead of killing people, start a website and write all kinds of nasty shit about them. Just be sure to not present your opinions as facts. For example, it’s cool to say “Michael Bradshaw is a worthless faggot piece of shit who probably diddles children in his spare time.”, but it’s not cool to say “Michael Bradshaw is a worthless faggot piece of shit and molests children.” The inclusion of the word “probably” in the first statement demonstrates that this is your opinion, whereas the second statement sounds like you are attempting to state a fact. It’s also not a good idea to include that Photoshopped picture of Michael Bradshaw approaching children on a playground with his penis out, so you should probably just go ahead and delete that from your computer. Chances are the judge will not share you sense of humor, and you’ll be slapped with libel charges. Very expensive libel charges. If you absolutely MUST make libelous statements, use a proxy server. Make sure it’s hosted in a country that doesn’t have a treaty with US law enforcement, like Belarus, Morocco, or Kazakhstan.
The pen is mightier than the sword, or in this case the keyboard is mightier than the Kalashnikov. Put down that gun and pick up that keyboard, you’ve got some killing to do. Reputation killing, that is.
4. Kill yourself.
Time to get real here. The only person you’re truly mad at is yourself.
Passing the blame off to others can only get you so far. Let’s cut the shit and get right down to the root of the problem. It’s not society’s fault that you’re fat and pasty-looking. It’s not the government’s fault that you can’t talk to girls. It’s not the jocks’ fault that you can’t grow a beard. There is no organized conspiracy to ruin your life. It’s time to man up and face the truth that the only thing holding you back is you. You are your own worst enemy, not Trump, not the liberals, not those assholes watching “SPLOSIONS 4 Featuring Megan Fox and Directed by Michael Bay”, not those freshmen you didn’t even see until today, nor that soccer mom coming out of Abercrombie and Fitch.
You could change the things you hate about yourself. It’s not hard to walk a few laps around the block every day. Social skills are also fairly simple to develop once you start leaving the realm of Azeroth on a semi-regular basis. And once you start shaving off that peach fuzz, it will eventually begin growing back darker.
Or you could say fuck all of that and take the easy way out. It’s way easier to stick a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger than it is to actually improve yourself and the quality of your life. Yes, I know you were fantasizing about taking out some of those worthless NPCs or whatever slur you have for the average person (I myself prefer the term “NORP”), but that would require more time and effort. Plus you’ve never really fired a gun before in your life, and no, Call of Duty doesn’t count. Battlefield kind of does, but only after you’ve spent 216 hours. No more, no less.
You know what’s going to happen if you try to go out into the real world and start shooting people? Someone is eventually going to shoot back. No respawn or console commands to help you out here I’m afraid. No regenerating health, no bulletproof vests or high-caliber rifles laying around in random places. Not even a lousy Medikit or Stimpak. Chances are most of your shots will miss, and there’s no lag to blame here. Two or three shots from someone else and your rampage is over. Game over, n00b. You didn’t even come close to beating R3b and VoDKa’s score, let alone Cho’s.
By shooting yourself, you’re circumventing all of these problems. Your shot is guaranteed to hit the target (BROTIP: Make sure to point the gun upward when you put it in your mouth so the bullet actually enters your brain), you won’t have anybody firing back at you, and the world will never know of your horrible kill and accuracy ratios. You’re already a fat, pasty, ugly, socially inept loser. Don’t become a dick too.
So in conclusion, if you’re thinking about killing innocent people, there are plenty of better alternatives. And if none of that works, you can always smoke some weed. #420blazeit #yolo #snoopdogg
Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ "The Angry Jerk" Baker has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. Maybe he's bored, maybe he's drunk, maybe he's both.