I took a trip to r/Battlestations. This was my experience.
Yes, I like to browse Reddit. There, I said it. I’ve come clean and admitted that I’m a big fat dirty hypocrite who constantly puts down Reddit and Redditors, but still uses the site daily.
Among the subreddits I’m subscribed to is r/Battlestations, a place where users can post their computer desk set-ups. Since I know you’re curious, here’s mine:
I know, it sucks. Among the things I’ve got in my Amazon cart are wall mounts for my speakers, wall mounts for my monitors, and all the fucks I give. Perhaps I’ll pull the trigger on them in the next week or so.
In order to feel better about myself for having a lame battlestation, I’m going to trash-talk all the other battlestations I see on Reddit, in a convenient list format because I’m feeling particularly lazy today. #3 will blow your mind!
1. Everyone on Reddit is a keyboardist.
It feels like every other picture has a musical keyboard and audio mixing equipment. Seeing this makes me feel like a loser because I never learned an instrument, and makes me want to learn the piano so I can be like Billy Joel or Gene Belcher. The peer pressure is so bad that I actually bought a Casio CT-638 at the thrift store for $14. Unfortunately, it needs some work, and since I’m feeling particularly lazy it’s easier to just look at the pictures and feel depressed about my lack of musical talent. Then I remember how I used to bang this girl who was a fill-in for the 3rd horn in the Philadelphia Orchestra, and I feel a little better because she ended up going to Yale and it’s a major bragging point to say that I banged a chick who played in the Philadelphia Orchestra and went off to Yale. I don’t think my girlfriend agrees with me though.
But yeah, everyone on Reddit plays keyboard I guess.
2. Everyone else on Reddit is a carpenter.
If keyboardist is the #1 occupation on Reddit, carpenter is a very close second.
When people aren’t posting their IKEA Linnmon desks (which I have no beef with as you can see from my picture), they’re posting hand-made desks they crafted themselves. And most of them actually look nice. This makes me even more bitter, because wood-working is something I totally want to do but can’t because I have no room in my apartment, and the garage is my home gym. On top of that, transporting lumber is next to impossible in my Toyota Camry. I looked into buying a van or a pick-up truck so I could make my lumber runs, but I’d have to pay another $130 a month in insurance, so fuck that.
I see these fancy prancy home-made desks and I realize that maybe I’ve wasted my life. Then I think about how most of the people I know are somehow worse off than me, and I don’t feel so bad. But I still pine for doing wood-work. I’m not sorry for that pun.
3. My girlfriend sucks.
I love playing video games. This annoys my girlfriend, who sometimes accuses me of not spending enough time with her. Can you blame me, all there is to do in this city is eat, get drunk, and stare at stupid stuff. Much of our time together is spent shopping or watching our Amazon Firestick. If I have to sit through another episode of “The Handmaid’s Tale” I’m going to fucking hang myself.
I’ve tried to get my girlfriend in on my gaming hobby, but she struggles to play anything short of a walking simulator (and even then she often needs my help). Seriously, she can’t even play the most basic of games. Then there’s all these assholes on Reddit with “His/Her Battlestations”, where they talk about playing Overwatch and World of Warcraft with their significant others at moderately expensive set-ups right next to each other.
Now I’m no fool, I know at least 75% of these “gamer girls” have personality disorders, so I’m kind of grateful my girlfriend isn’t one of them. But I would totally love to be able to play Rocket League or Overwatch or even that heap of cancer known as Fortnite with my girlfriend. These couples set-ups make me relive the frustration of watching her struggle with the Back to the Future Telltale game, and I feel kind of sad that most of our time together will probably be squandered on stupid TV shows or shopping trips for stuff I don’t need. Then I remember that the sex is good, and I feel kind of better.
I just wanna play my cancer meme games with someone.
4. Funko Pops are life
It’s okay to own a couple of these, really. While many of them don’t really look like the characters they’re supposed to be (thanks mostly to those beady little eyes), some of them are passable enough and have earned a place on my shelf:
Also, it helps when I find them on clearance at FYE.
But I’m just a dirty worthless Funko Peasant in the eyes of Redditors, who have amassed collections of these things in what looks to be the hundreds. Seriously, the ones I have I got on clearance sales, and they were like $5-7 each. Full-price Funko Pops for popular media go for like $12 each. The larger ones (like D.Va’s mech from Overwatch) go for almost $30. Holy shit, is everyone on Reddit a Rockefeller, or have they figured out how to game the system and get mad autismo money? The most expensive thing on that shelf is my Weird Al figure, which cost $30 but looks way better than a Funko Pop and it’s Weird Al so it’s excusable.
I once saw a picture where the guy boasted that he owned almost 100 Funko Pops. At even $10 each, that’s $1,000 spent on these things. This guy thought he was cool, but he was really a big fucking dork. Who brags about having $1,000 worth of this cheap crap? I bet his profession was a Mexican luchador, and his ring name was El Garbagio, because this shit is garbage. These Funko Pop collections remind me of how I used to collect sports cards back when I was young and not addicted to the internet yet. I feel kind of sad because most of the people I knew when I was young are in jail, dead, or addicted to drugs just like in that Offspring song “The Kids Aren’t Alright”. Then I remember that I’m none of those things, and I even still own my massive collection (including a card autographed by Mike Alstott), and I feel kind of better. I also remember the time as a kid that I met Superbowl XXV MVP Ottis Anderson, and he let me try on his Superbowl Ring. I can actually say that I got to wear a Superbowl Ring before the Philadelphia Eagles did, so that makes me feel really good about myself. Fuck all the doubters and haters. Redditors who spend excessive money on Funko Poop are insane.
5. I’m fucking depressed
tbh browsing r/Battlestations makes me depressed as hell, because no matter what I can never get my setup to look as good as the ones I see on there.
My cable management skills suck, I’m not sure how some of these people do it. I have like 15 cables going to and from my computer and monitors, I can’t hide all of that. Some of those power cables feel like they’re four inches thick. I tried hiding them behind the monitor stand, but there’s three of them. Not to mention the HDMI and DVI cables, it’s like trying to hide Godzilla in your child’s swimming pool.
My usage of LED light strips is up to par, but now Reddit has moved to these insipid things. That’s like $200 for some triangle shaped light panels. Who the hell can afford this shit? What am I even going to make with those? Most people usually have a W shape for some reason, anything else seems to look stupid. So unless you’re Walter White you’re shit out of luck. I’ll stick with my $20 multi-color LED strips, thanks.
Looking at all the awesome setups everyone else has makes me feel depressed and inferior because mine is a rat’s nest of cables, while everyone else looks like they’re chilling on the bridge of the USS Enterprise with Captain Kirk (or because Reddit is full of weenies, that walking meme Picard, the lamest captain to ever disgrace the USS Enterprise with his presence). I want to chill on the bridge with Captain Kirk, while sipping on Romulan Ale and checking out Yeoman Rand’s ass or macking on Uhara. I can’t do any of that shit, I can barely bro-fist one of the rank-and-file no-name crew members with this messy shithole. Shatner is probably going to die mid-2019 or something, Grace Lee Whitney is dead, and Nichelle Nichols is old and unattractive, I can’t dick around on this one too much longer.
Then I look around my computer room and realize that I have something these Redditors don’t: A personality. Sure, they might have nice and neat expensive computer setups that they slave away 9-5 Monday through Friday in some self-depreciating soul-crushing office job to pay for, but they don’t have my unique flair. I haven’t seen a single Army of Darkness poster in any of those pictures! Army of Darkness was awesome, Bruce Campbell with his shirt ripped open holding a chainsaw while some hot chick is wrapped around his leg should adorn every man’s wall. If you don’t like Bruce Campbell then you’re a weenie. My Army of Darkness poster highlights my personality, because I’m a bad-ass like Ash Williams and I kick ass every day and get mad pussy.
So up yours Reddit, with your bland userbase and your generic cookie-cutter battlestations. They may look better than mine, but mine is better because it’s different and not fake. Mine is the realest battlestation on the internet, and I didn’t write this article out of jealousy or misery or anything.
EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!