Am I the only one who realizes how much Minecraft actually sucks?
I used to love this game, I really did. I would play it religiously back before it was even in beta. Before it gained the massive legion of obsessive fans. Before all the fancy features like redstone wiring, End Portals, and Strongholds. Before you could find those stupid foam pickaxes in FYE.
Flash forward four years, and we now have a company with a net worth in the millions. Countless copies have been sold on the PC, as well as the Xbox and even mobile phones. In the time it’s been around, the game has come a long way.
Unfortunately, as Plato once said, “With popularity generally comes a decrease in quality and an increase in bullshit.” Here are some of the things that piss me off about Minecraft on Xbox.
1. The animals are downright annoying.
I understand the animals are an essential part of Survival mode. But why in God’s name is there no option to turn these obnoxious things off in Creative mode? Or at least decrease how many spawn at a time? Nothing is more annoying than trying to build something and having this walking into the middle of your work space and staring at you:
Could they have made them look any dumber? I want to punch the person who designed these stupid things.
So there you are trying to build your new pimp crib, when several of these cock-eyed bastards come strolling right into the space you’re laying brick. You hit them, and they run away, only to come right back and annoy you some more. So you keep hitting at them, accidentally striking the bricks you put down in the process. It’s easily the most annoying thing in the game. I don’t understand what’s so hard about giving players the ability to turn the animals off. You can turn off enemies, so why not animals? I don’t give a damn if their bleating provides “ambiance”, or if they’re a vital part of Survival mode. I’m not playing Survival mode, I’m playing Creative, so why do I need the animals? I don’t.
You assholes can add stupid trivial BS like phases of the moon, but you can’t give us the option to toggle animals on or off? Someone should dump a bunch of cows, pigs, sheep, and chickens on Notch’s front yard and refuse to remove them until we’re given the option to turn these annoying dumb-eyed over-abundant pieces of shit off. Just because a handful of idiots like them doesn’t mean everyone does.
2. Cloudy with a 100% chance of bullshit.
Does Minecraft take place in Seattle or something? Holy shit, I can’t even pause for a minute to take a piss without coming back to find it pouring. And if it’s a thunderstorm? Not only do you have to listen to the constant rumbling, you also have to watch your screen flash constantly like an episode of Battling Seizure Robots. It’s like the challenge of the game is to see how long you can stand the environment without being driven insane.
Build a goddamn ark, because all it does in this game is rain. Yes, I’m well aware of the client command to disable the rain in the PC version, but like I said, I have the Xbox 360 version which doesn’t afford me the luxury of client commands.
3. You can’t truly pause the game.
The game is always going, no matter what you do. You press start, it’s still going. You press the Xbox button, still going. I went to take a dump once and came back to find that my entire structure had burnt down because it was too close to an open flame, despite the flame being like 5 or 6 bricks away from anything ignitable. This would have never happened if I was able to actually pause the game.
Remember in GoldenEye’s multiplayer mode where you couldn’t just hit start and walk away because you’d still be left vulnerable unless you hit the extra pause thing on the menu? This is nothing like that, because Minecraft gives you absolutely no choice. Want to take a quick break? Unless you want to hear the constant environmental sound effects (the game never seems to be silent), you’ll have to hit “mute” on your TV.
4. The music sucks.
I don’t know who C418 is, but I do know that the music he made for the game blows. Probably why he chose to credit himself with an alias and not his real name. After about half an hour, you’ll find yourself scrambling to shut the background music off. It’s repetitive, annoying, and shitty, just like most of the game’s features. The only way the music could be more annoying is if “Freebird” was thrown into the mix. God I hate that song so much, Skynyrd is one of the most overrated bands of all time.
I might be able to see my way around this if there was more of a variety instead of having the same few songs play over and over again. Until then, I’m going to have C418’s shitty soundtrack on mute while I blast my eardrums out with Megadeth. If torture had a soundtrack, C418’s music would definitely be on it. Yet another reason to mute your TV when playing this game.
5. Stupid and pointless censorship.
From what I understand, this is less to do with Mojang and more to do with Microsoft.
According to the Minecraft Wiki:
“The words hoe, shaft, and monster are censored even though they are used frequently in game.”
Seriously, Microsoft? I could understand not wanting people to make signs that say “Fuck” or something (even though there are better ways of doing this than banning it for everyone), but to censor basic words like “hoe”, “shaft”, or “monster” is just fucking bullshit.
I once tried to make a sign that said “Lake Titicaca”, and it censored that too. I’m not sure if Mojang was told to make a filter by Microsoft or if the filter is something Microsoft programmed and implemented on their own, but it needs some work. Seriously, the word “monster”? Come on. The best possible solution would be a setting at the user’s level that toggles the filter on or off. That way overzealous parents don’t have to waste time supervising their kids and I don’t have to rewrite entire signs because a fraction of one of the words has another meaning. Microsoft, stop being a CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED.
Yeah, this game blows, and I regret spending $17 on it.
By popular demand, here’s the unedited picture of Minecraft Steve giving the middle finger, as well as the original Minecrap title card:
Hiro Shima