Everywhere I go, I’m surrounded by skanky-looking women with the same ugly bland tattoos. The butterfly on the neck. The stars behind the ears. The random shapes jutting out from above the asscrack. The Asian characters that mean generic things like “Love” or “Peace”. What the fuck happened? Remember when the only people who had tattoos were bikers, soldiers, or gang members, and any woman with ink was considered dirty? It’s like American society has collectively just said “Fuck it” and stopped caring about things like class or dignity.
Before I go any further, I want to give special mention to one tattoo that really annoys the fucking shit out of me:
I’m getting really fucking annoyed with the countless women who think they’re clever and cute when they get a heart tattooed onto their wrist and say “I wear my heart on my sleeve!” You’re not clever, you’re not cute, you’re just a generic moron like the other 10 million women who thought they were clever and cute by getting a heart tattooed onto their wrists so they could tell people that they wear their hearts on their sleeves. The “heart on my sleeve” tattoo is the perfect visual metaphor for the average American woman: They all think they’re special and pretty and unique when really all they are is a bunch of ugly used-up fat vapid whores. Speaking of fat vapid whores, I can’t stand fat chicks who think they’re sexy and act like their fatty boobs are attractive just because they’re big gelatinous masses. Your fat boobs aren’t sexy you arrogant heifer, so stop wearing the tight shirts and flashing your cleavage like anybody who’s worth a damn wants to see it.
People try to defend tattoos by saying that humans have been getting them since the dawn of time. Way to evolve, assholes. You know what else humans did at the dawn of time? Played with their own shit and lived in caves. Justifying something by saying “Cavemen did it too!” is fucking retarded and just spits in the face of all the progress humans have made since we dropped down from the trees and began forging our legacy by becoming the planet’s dominant species.
Another popular defense of tattoos is mentioning how tribes use them for various purposes. Bitch please, you’re a white American city girl getting a tattoo of a butterfly above your asscrack. There’s nothing “spiritual” or “expressive” about your tattoo. Your tramp stamp doesn’t define any culture or quality other than your sluttiness. You aren’t some member of a tribe of hunter-gatherers or a shaman or anything but a generic idiot with no free will or capacity for critical thought. Stop trying to justify bullshit by comparing it to primitive humans. It’s no wonder we can barely put a man on the fucking moon. You idiots are so hung up on continuing the nonsensical behaviors of our primitive ancestors and refusing to try to collectively improve the human race that you’ve drastically impeded scientific progress.
There’s another tattoo that gets under my skin:
Angel wings are like tramp stamps that go on the upper back instead of the lower back. I can only infer from this that the woman is trying to say that she’s some kind of sexy little angel in spite of the fact that she’s probably easier than chugging a bottle of water after a 5K run. You’re not a sexy little angel, you’re a generic little tramp with no taste. And what the fuck is up with this idea that angels are an image of sexiness anyway? Angels are supposed to be androgynous. Is this your idea of sexy:
Because nothing turns me on more than not knowing if it’s a guy or a girl until I check under the hood.
A lot of people call me judgemental and say I’m unfairly judging all women with tattoos as sluts. Yes, I’m sure there are women with the aforementioned tattoos who aren’t sluts and are in fact upstanding people. Some of them may even not be fat or vapid. I even have female friends with tattoos and I wouldn’t call them fat vapid whores.
A wise old man once told me the following:
“Think of body modification the exact same way you would think of car modification. It’s much easier to fuck shit up than it is to make shit look better, most of the time, your uncreative broke ass is better off leaving it stock.”
Tattoos aren’t for everyone. If I had to place a percentage, I’d say only 5% of the tattoos I see on a day-to-day basis look good on a woman. And even then, it’s only in the same way a porn star looks good. Yeah, I’d fuck them like there was no tomorrow, but it’s still hard to take a woman with ink more seriously than just a sack of meat to stick my dick in. Tattoos are a sign of impulsiveness. You don’t just go out and get a butterfly thrown onto your neck or a heart drawn on your wrist. A good tattoo takes time, creativity, and a lot of thought. “How is this going to look in 20 years?” “If I don’t get this now, will I even still want to get it two years from now?” “Am I just getting this because I thought it looked pretty on some other girl?” These are questions you need to ask yourself before you rush out and get your tattoo. If your inspiration for getting the tattoo involves seeing it on someone else, you’re doing it wrong. If you have seen your tattoo on any other person, you’re doing it wrong.
Tattoos are like cattle brands for humans, and the majority of tattoo recipients have successfully branded themselves as impulsive cattle, grazing aimlessly from one trend to the next. If your tattoo involves only one color of ink, don’t get it. If your tattoo is your own name, don’t get it. If your tattoo is a heart or any variation of one, don’t get it. If your tattoo involves any Asian characters and you’re not Asian, don’t get it. If your justification for people getting tattoos includes mention of human history or some primitive jungle tribes, don’t get a fucking tattoo!
Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. Maybe he's bored, maybe he's drunk, maybe he's both.