From: Maddox <[email protected]>
Subject: My Nigga
Hey Angry Jerk, it’s your biggest fan again. Just wanted to let you know that I’ve begun work on that AngryJerk.net fanpage I was telling you about. I’m more than honored that you have bestowed upon me the prestigious title of “Knight Commander of the Empire of the Phoenix King”, a coveted title desired by all true AngryJerk.net fans. I hope I can live up to this title as the administrator of your fan site!
I’ve also got a question for you: WHERE’S THE APRIL FOOL’S DAY SPIRIT BRO? You only did an April Fool’s Day page the one year. You should do one every year like I do.
Until next time, your greatest fan, signing off.
-Maddox the Pirate King
P.S.- I totally agree that the Fire Nation is the best nation!
Want to know why I don’t do April Fool’s Day? It’s simple: April Fool’s Day has lost its spirit.
Yeah, I could change this site to something the opposite of what it is, full of articles expressing opinions that are the opposite of what I normally express, and redone with some gay layout. I could write a full article about how I like Jersey Shore and how the Situation isn’t a pussy-ass faggot with a dick just as small as his brain. I could argue that Mountain Dew isn’t for faggoty Xbox fanboys. I could do a review about why Call of Duty is a great game and isn’t the new Madden with its yearly trend of updating a few things and re-releasing it as a completely new game.
What’s the point in changing my website’s layout and content for one day of the year to something that’s very obviously not real? It’s not like I’m fooling anyone, which is kind of supposed to be the point of April Fool’s Day. Sure, I might fool one or two idiots who didn’t realize what day it was, but that’s it. Granted some of the April Fool’s Day changes that websites make are creative or funny, but they miss the point: Tricking people.
Even outside of the internet, people are lame when it comes to April Fool’s Day. Every year it’s the same shit: “Mom, guess what, you’re going to have grandkids! Just kidding!” “School’s closed today. Just kidding!” “I’m breaking up with you. Just kidding!” Where’s the creativity? Where’s the spirit? Nobody plays any real pranks on April Fool’s Day anymore.
Here’s how a professional motherfucker does April Fool’s Day.
I started the day off by calling my mom and telling her that I was sorry for being verbally abusive to her for all the years I lived with her. I went into some bullshit sob story about how I found Jesus and wanted to do right by God. As she began to cry tears of happiness, I closed with “By the way, APRIL FOOL’S BITCH!” “Oh my god AJ how could you?” She began to cry tears of anguish. Laughing, I capped the conversation with “Oh, and by the way, I did find Jesus. He was smoking pot behind my couch!” I hung up on her and ignored her subsequent attempts to call me back and bitch me out.
I then called my friend’s mom and pretended to be my dumb ass friend who thinks that rap bullshit is actually worthy of being called music. “My friend” had decided it was time to come out of the closet in favor of black males. “He” admitted to his mother that “he” always had a thing for 50 Cent, and that “he” would eat the candy shop out of business if given the opportunity. Unsurprisingly, she admitted that she had always suspected this, and she would always love “her son” no matter what. Suppressing laughter, I hung up the phone then sent a text message to my friend suggesting that he should call his mom.
While I had my phone in hand, I figured it would be a great idea to call my workplace and tell them I was calling out. Only, I wasn’t really calling out. I was going to let them call in someone to cover my shift, then nonchalantly show up for work. My boss would surely find this funny. Who wouldn’t? It’s like the best prank ever.
So I walked through the front door of my workplace, much to the surprise of everybody I worked with. “OMG I THOUGHT YOU CALLED OUT!!!” “AJ WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE.” “AJ WHY DO YOU SMELL LIKE BEER???” It was like they’d just seen a fucking ghost. Putting on my troll face, I approached my boss and said “April Fool’s!” He immediately flipped shit and started threatening me with a one-day suspension. This was his idea of a retaliatory April Fool’s prank? WEAK. I laughed boastfully and told him I wasn’t falling for it. He went and got the general manager. So the GM was in on this too, eh? “Still not buying it, (name),” I replied with a grin. The general manager came down and asked what was going on. I told him about my awesome prank, then explained that my boss was just mad that he fell for it. The general manager told me to go home for the day. I laughed and said “April Fool’s, right?” The general manager re-affirmed his demand that I leave, adding that I smelled like beer. After a moment, I realized that he was serious. Some people just don’t have a sense of humor I guess. I went home and began planning my day of drinking beer, playing Saints Row the Third, and watching reruns of Samurai Jack on my computer.
It wasn’t until I was half-way home that I realized the true genius of my boss: His April Fool’s prank had been not playing one! Indeed, he had me convinced that he was playing a joke by threatening to send me home, but the joke was on me, because he wasn’t joking. Good show, Boss Man. Jolly good show. I guess there’s a good reason he’s in charge.
I arrived home and cracked a bottle of Yuengling, prepared to start my day of driving an ATV around the fictional city of Steelport like a coked-out maniac and killing random people. Suddenly, my phone rang. It was my buddy Slim, looking to drink. I was about to say “Fuck yeah!”, then I remembered that I had made plans with Rotten Tom and Señor Juan to wreak havoc upon the city that night in Juan’s new Beanermobile. Slim was hella fat and sucked at wreaking havoc, so there was no way in hell I was going to invite that assblaster and have him ruin our fun by getting caught or doing something incredibly stupid like egging a police station. And so I told him, “We’re wreaking havoc on the city tonight in honor of April Fool’s Day and your fat ass is a liability.” “Um AJ, it’s May 1st.”
“AJ, look at your calendar. April Fool’s Day was last month.”
I looked at my calendar. May 1, 2013. Suddenly my amazingly hilarious pranks didn’t seem so hilarious. Suddenly I had the overwhelming feeling that I was in a heap of shit. Suddenly shit felt awkward. Of all the mean and spiteful pranks I played that day, I had saved the meanest and most spiteful for myself. This whole time the joke had been on me, and now it wasn’t funny. I was the April Fool. Yes, I had restored meaning and honor to April Fool’s Day. But that meaning and honor came at a great personal cost.
And that is why I will no longer celebrate April Fool’s Day.