Planet Fitness is a sad, pathetic excuse for a gym.
During our travels, me and some friends were placed in the vicinity of a Planet Fitness gym.
I’ve been tossing around the idea of joining a gym, and multiple people I know constantly talk about how cheap and great and über wonderful Planet Fitness is. I mentioned the idea to my friends. My buddy Slim told me about how Planet Fitness has an alarm that goes off if you grunt, drop weights, or “judge” someone.
I thought he was full of shit, until I read this.
Holy fuck, and people actually pay money to work out there?
Planet Fitness hates actual lifters.
Indeed, Planet Fitness has branded anyone who takes weight training even remotely seriously as a “lunk”.
They even went so far as to make an entire commercial depicting bodybuilders as juiced-up morons with the worst fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger impression I’ve ever heard in my life:
I will concede though, the rest of the commercial is spot-on. This scrawny beta-bitch boy is a pretty accurate depiction of an average Planet Fitness “personal trainer”. Has that guy ever even lifted anything over 5 lbs besides his pink dildo? The only thing missing from the commercial was an old fuck curling in the squat rack while some stupid cardiobunny thot is in the background doing a useless “exercise” that shows off her ass while her equally stupid friends record it for Instagram.
Not content with just insulting “lunks” in their commercials, Planet Fitness encourages in-person persecution of serious lifters with their “Lunk Alarm”:
The Lunk Alarm is manually activated by employees when someone does something like slam weights, grunts, judges someone else, or does anything else that might offend the delicate sensibilities of the overly-sensitive little bitch that activated it.
I’ll spare you the obvious irony of them calling out people for judging others, and instead note how fucking stupid it is that they associate tank tops and gallon water jugs with being a mindless meathead. Fuck dressing comfortably, and fuck proper hydration I guess. Meanwhile there’s like ten different women wearing spandex and pointlessly flexing their asses while doing meme exercises that are not only useless, but also borderline dangerous.
Planet Fitness’s business model revolves around keeping you from succeeding.
Planet Fitness has this whole “We don’t want anyone to be intimidated” mindset. What? Really? What kind of pussy is intimidated by grunting or the clanging of weights?
If you’re intimidated by the sound of others working out, why the fuck are you even in a gym? I can understand them not wanting people to toss weights around carelessly, but holy-shit-are-you-fucking-serious.
When lifting a heavy object, most humans grunt. Some people (like me) like to say obscenities or racial slurs when lifting heavy objects. This is a way of breathing and blowing off steam, it’s completely natural. Grunting is one of the many parts of being a human.
Unless of course you’re Planet Fitness.
Maybe that’s why they call themselves Planet Fitness, because they’re trying to cater to aliens. Hell, maybe the chain is run by aliens. Someone call David Icke and have him do an exposé on how the CEO is a shape-shifting reptilian from Alpha Draconis.
Aside from having obscenely retarded rules, Planet Fitness also has Pizza Mondays and Bagel Tuesdays.
Pizza night. At a gym. One of the most calorie-packed, greasy, and generally unhealthy foods. Being served. AT A FUCKING GYM.
And bagels? Anybody who’s bothered to do just a moment of research knows that bagels are packed with calories, and as many refined carbs as four slices of bread. And that’s before you add cream cheese, butter, or whatever you put on it.
Planet Fitness is basically trying to keep you fat. They even went so far as to commission a study that said women prefer a “dad-bod” over a fit guy. In related news, I have commissioned a study that says Planet Fitness is a scam and their gyms are staffed by weenies.
Final thought: Planet Fitness isn’t a real gym.
No, that’s it, I refuse to refer to Planet Fitness as a gym any longer.
Even a fucking Pokémon gym has more merit than Planet Fitness at this point. Do they have competitions where all the prissy little weenies see how many reps they can do with a weighted purple dildo, and the winner receives the Rainbow Badge?
I also find it hilarious that they call themselves a “Judgement-free zone”. Because calling people who do serious lifting “lunks” and making rules that dissuade them from working out at your establishment isn’t judgmental at all. Neither is assuming that all the pretty petite young college girls that frequent the place are intimidated by someone more fit than them. Way to be sexist, assholes.
Planet Fitness can take its pantywaist bullshit that it falsely calls a gym and suck it. I’d rather work out in a less oppressive environment, like a North Korean labor camp.