Joey Vento: Requiem for a jackass

On August 23, 2011, Joey Vento, the owner of Geno’s Cheesesteaks, proprietor of money-generating controversy, and self-proclaimed expert on motorcycle safety, has died of a heart attack. You may remember Joey Vento from two of my previous articles about him, found here and here. In both of them, I lambasted him for being nothing more than a money-grubbing asshole looking to make a quick profit by generating controversy. I also called him a jackass. Like, a shitload of times.

So far, the circumstances behind the heart attack are a mystery, but investigators say that a search of Joey’s recent internet history showed that he had been viewing a website called “AngryJerk.net” about 15 minutes prior to the fatal heart attack, in particular two negative articles about him.

Now with that tasteless joke out of the way, let’s get serious.

I’ve put the guy down a hell of a lot, and I still stand by my statement that he was an attention-whoring jackass who couldn’t stop running his mouth. However, to deny his redeeming qualities, especially after his death, would be behavior unbefitting of the Phoenix King. It would be a disgraceful insult to my own honor. It would be bad karma. It would be a whole bunch of stuff that sounds like lines from a samurai movie, because samurais kick ass. Especially Samurai Jack. I tell you, man. Genndy Tartakovsky doesn’t get any respect from Cartoon Network. They stop Samurai Jack, Dexter’s Lab, and Symbionic Titan. Yet Aqua Teen Hunger Force still fucking exists, as does the equally fucktarded Squidbillies. Cartoon Network is retarded and Genndy Tartakovsky is way under-appreciated by those bastards.

But indeed, the almighty Angry_Jerk is a man who is not afraid to acknowledge the strengths of his foes. As such, I am going to show myself to be the bigger man by saying a few kind words about Joey Vento.

As much of a jackass as he was, he managed to rile up the pro-immigration camp. That’s always a plus in my book. I’ve said before and I’ll say it again. Anyone who supports illegal immigration is nothing more than a fifth columnist who poses a potential threat to this nation’s security. When the tanks of some foreign military power (most likely China allied with some Arab countries, and Venezuela, and Cuba) come rolling up through Mexico into America one day a la Red Dawn, these are the fucks who will gladly collaborate with the foreign powers by raiding armories and sabotaging shit. I still can’t comprehend the thought processes that lead to someone supporting a clandestine foreign invasion of their own country. These people are way more of a threat than gun-toting Bible-thumping right-wing militiamen. Are the militiamen going to turn over the keys of this country to the Chinese or whoever comes knocking at our virtually unlocked backdoor? Fuck no they aren’t. These people sympathizing with illegal immigration? Yeah, I’d keep an eye or two on those fuckers.

While I know the sign was just to generate publicity, I have zero doubt in my mind that Joey actually believed in the sign’s message. It’s a shame that he didn’t bother to run for public office, since I would have gladly voted for him. He’s right. You want to live in this country? At least make the effort to assimilate into our culture. Wear over-sized clothes and blast shitty jungle music. If I were moving to Russia, I would at least make the effort to learn basic Russian, and I sure as hell wouldn’t drive around the streets of Moscow with an American flag on my car while telling everybody how much I hate the Russian government’s laws. If I go outside the country and expect everyone to know English, I’m considered a stupid fuck who is too uncultured to bother to learn more than one language, yet I’m racist and intolerant of other cultures because I expect people coming to my country to have a basic grasp of my language and have respect for my country’s laws? Fuck you, you neo-liberal sack of shit. I’ll show you a bleeding heart when I rip yours right out of your chest like I’m Scorpion from Mortal Kombat. Aside from the fact that Joey was the owner of Geno’s and thus had the legal right to refuse service to anyone he wanted to, anybody who would go to an American business and attempt to initiate a transaction in Spanish is an asshole.

Putting Joey’s political views aside, the guy was at his business every day. That’s more dedication than many owners. I even remember seeing him making cheesesteaks during one of the two times I was there. That’s a hell of a lot more dedication to his business than many owners I’ve seen. I can respect that. I’ve also heard from people I know who have met him that, aside from coming across as highly neurotic, he was a pretty nice guy when dealing with him in person.

In closing, I want to say that while Joey Vento was a jackass during his living years, he certainly wasn’t the worst person out there, and did have some redeeming qualities. As such, there’s no more reason to harbor any ill feelings towards him in his passing.

Joey Vento, I, Angry_Jerk the Almighty Phoenix King, hereby bury the hatchet with you. Rest in peace, you neurotic jackass. Rest in peace.