AJnet Magazine

An internet publication specializing in humor and opinion.

Foreign Relations

Let’s invade Mexico

Angry_Jerk 0Comments

Am I the only one who’s wondering why the fuck US troops haven’t marched into Mexico and burned their backwater country to the ground yet?

It’s not an act of war when the Mexican navy violates American airspace and hovers over American homes, it’s not an act of war when rogue Mexican commandos kill American citizens, and it’s not an act of war when Mexican drug cartels are able to have state parks closed off to the public because of drug running. So what IS an act of war? Can someone tell me?

Fuck this shit, it’s time to grow a backbone. Let’s march right into Mexico City and burn it to the fucking ground. I want to see shock troopers in all-black uniforms goose-stepping right to the capital building of Mexico, mercilessly slaughtering anyone who dares to put up resistance. I want to see Old Glory raised high above the smoldering ashes of Mexico City. I want fucking aliens looking to make first contact with the human race to approach Earth and see a giant blackened area where Mexico is, then turn around and leave in fear. The Mexican government doesn’t want to do anything about these cartels, so let’s do something for them.

I’ve heard shit about people living in fear of even speaking ill of cartels like Los Zetas. Are you shitting me? Look at their fucking leader, Heriberto Lazcano:

Seriously? You people are afraid of this fat faggoty piece of shit? He looks like Rick Astley’s illegitimate Mexican brother who was so depressed at his brother’s moderate success that he put on 200 pounds. If I ever saw this fat-ass in real life, I wouldn’t bow in respect or fear. I’d throw marshmallows and Gobstoppers at him as I called him names like “Porky” and “Tubbytits” with a Mexican accent. This guy looks like he could suck a golf ball through a garden hose. No, actually, he looks like he could suck a bowling ball through a garden hose. What the fuck kind of name is Heriberto anyway? His mother must have really hated his father for knocking her slut ass up.

UPDATE: Lazcano was killed by Mexican marines. AJ: 1 Cartel: 0.

Supposedly by doing what I just did, I’ve signed my own death warrant. Yeah? Bring it motherfuckers. If everyone else wants to tuck their tails inside their pussies and run away in fear, let them. I’m a man, and I’ll die like a man: Standing up for what I believe in until my dying breath. Want to “reconquista” something? Go reconquista your mothers’ cunts you worthless pussies.

Another thing that really boils my blood are the assholes who justify the storm of illegal immigration with shit like “We stole the land from them, so they have a right to take it back.” What? Are you condoning a foreign invasion of your own fucking country?! How the fuck can you even begin to call yourselves Americans? Justifying a foreign invasion of your own country is treason in every possible sense of the word, and people like this are nothing but a fifth column that needs to be rounded up and deported to the Galapagos Islands. What kind of bleeding heart motherfucker would support their own damn country being overtaken by foreign subversives? You want to live in a corrupt third-world pisshole? Fuck off to Mexico and go “embrace diversity” there. Nah, you don’t have the balls, since that would mean giving up your comfortable lifestyles.

The only state that seems to be standing up to this bullshit is Arizona. Slowly but surely. The next step would be for the governor to call for the formation of a private militia to actively police the border and mercilessly kill anyone trying to enter our country illegally. Los Zetas thinks they’re the best at striking fear into their enemies? They haven’t seen anything yet. Americans kill each other every goddamn day for little to no reason. We’ll shoot our neighbors over a fucking parking spot, so we’d have no problem making short work of a neighboring country. If I had my way, the entire border would be fenced off with dead cartel members on pikes. The genocide in Rwanda would look like a fucking children’s birthday party by the time I was through.

Have I lost my mind? Fuck yes I have. It’s time for more people to lose their minds and call out these cartels. They want to flood our streets with drugs? Let’s flood theirs with blood. This isn’t about diversity, this is about taking a stand against criminality. We can attempt to reform and rehabilitate until we’re blue in the face, but the only thing these subhumans really understand is brute force. Los Zetas wants to use Mexican commandos? Let’s use B-2 stealth bombers. They want to use the Mexican navy or air force? Let’s use space-based ICBMs. The unrestrained might of the American military greatly trumps that of a bunch of rag-tag cartel mercs. If we said fuck you to the UN’s rules of engagement, we could completely own Mexico in a week flat.

Face it, the Mexican people would be better off under American rule. Once we control Mexico, we can reform it and take away the incentive to risk their lives sneaking into the country illegally. Annex Mexico, not only for our sake, but for theirs. But mostly for ours.

UPDATE FROM THE FUTURE: I wrote an entire article on how to fix Mexico, you can read it here.

Miscellaneous

It’s the end of the world as we know it

Angry_Jerk 0Comments

As Hollywood has made everyone painfully aware of, the Mayan Long Count calendar ends on December 21, 2012 (actually, only the 13th cycle of it does. But that goes against the purpose of this article, so let’s ignore that), and with it the world. I don’t normally place a lot of stock in this New Age bullshit, but with the increasing abundance of earthquakes, hurricanes, and shitty James Cameron movies, it appears that we might indeed be heading for some turbulent times.

Because I have a God Complex, I felt that it was my duty to uncover the truth and save the human race from extinction. After many sleepless nights of scientific research and the thorough analysis of many scholarly works, I have discovered exactly when and how the world will end. I warn you, what you are about to read is not for the light-hearted.

Now, Hollywood has deceived us into believing that December 21, 2012 will be the last day ever. This is entirely incorrect, and this myth needs to stop being propagated. No, December 21, 2012 marks the rise of the Antichrist, and the beginning of the end.

I hear people throwing out haphazard speculations about the identity of the Antichrist. Commonly accused people are Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin, Osama bin Laden, and the president of Iran. Have any of these idiots even read the Bible? The Antichrist is supposed to rise from obscurity and be universally loved by everyone. While one might be able to put forth a fair argument that each of the aforementioned people rose to the world stage from obscurity, anyone would agree that they are NOT universally loved by everyone, which disqualifies them from being the Antichrist. However, by studying Biblical code, I was able to deduce the identity of the Antichrist:

Frank Mcintire

Hailing from Fresno, California, Frank looks like a pretty agreeable guy, right? I know I’d probably have a few drinks with Frank. I found Frank on MySpace at MySpace.com/349301943 (EDIT 1/12/17: Now belongs to some Mexican. Looks like I’ve got Frank on the run.). At first this sequence of numbers seems completely random and meaningless, but observe:

349 + 301 = 650

650 + 9 = 659

659 + 4 = 663

663 + 3 = 666!

Six hundred and sixty-six, the Number of the Beast. BUSTED! Looks like your secret’s out, Frankie-boy:

I’m sure the Deceiver of Man won’t readily confess to his malificent conspiracy, but I wanted to let him know that he shall not go unopposed.

My fellow children of God, we must stand together throughout the Great Tribulation. It is only through our love of Jesus Christ that we may persevere through the turbulent waters ahead. The wrath of the Beast is coming.

Or maybe you idiots have completely misconstrued the Mayan calendar and overlooked the fact that December 21, 2012 only signifies the end of an age and the beginning of a new one.

Political

I love Arizona

Angry_Jerk 0Comments

Most of you have probably heard about the recent shitstorm going on about Arizona’s new immigration law. You’re probably assuming that since everybody (i.e. the select group that the mainstream media constantly shows to promote their agenda) is up in arms about this law, it must be something dreadful. And dreadful it is. This evil, audacious, Nazi-esque mandate of HATE calls for Arizona police to be more proactive in pursuing illegal immigrants, and also calls for the deportation of immigrants who can’t prove their residency. HOLY SHIT NAZI GERMANY UP IN THIS BITCH. Next thing you know Arizona will call for the formation of a Waffen-SS brigade who will go around ethnically cleansing Mexicans!

Anyway, this new law has caused an ungodly amount of controversy, with the liberal media at the forefront. Among the highlights of this are:

  • The Mexican government is warning its people not to travel to Arizona. The greatest success for us so far.
  • The United States Justice Department intends to sue the State of Arizona to stop the law from being enacted. Fuck that silly 10th Amendment!
  • People are calling for the boycott of the Arizona Iced Tea company. No, seriously. THE COMPANY IS FROM FUCKING NEW YORK. And these are our country’s leaders doing this shit. Also, calling for a boycott of Arizona Green Tea is tantamount to treason in my book.
  • Major League Baseball is being urged to move their All-Star game from Phoenix to elsewhere. A resounding cry of “Who gives a fuck about baseball?” could be heard emanating from 95% of the country.
  • Shakira, some pop star bitch from Columbia, thinks the law is unfair to Hispanic people. She also goes on to talk about how she is undocumented here. Does anyone actually give a fuck about this bitch?

The biggest criticism of this law is that it encourages racial profiling. Um, yeah? Most of the illegal immigrants in this country aren’t white, not that skin color matters in this case. If you’re here illegally, you’re a criminal. If Canadians were sneaking across the border bringing gang violence to my country and leeching off of my tax dollars, I’d expect them to receive the same treatment as any other illegal alien: immediate deportation.

It takes a special class of idiots to actually question whether or not it’s ethical to deport illegal immigrants. How the fuck is this even an argument? Are you simians fucking kidding me? Only in America can soldiers patrolling the border serve jail time for firing on a drug runner who fired on them first. Only in America are soldiers not allowed to engage the Mexican commandos assisting drug runners sneaking across the border. WHAT THE FUCK DO WE HAVE A BORDER PATROL FOR THEN?! Isn’t a bunch of foreign soldiers crossing into another country with the intention to cause trouble in that country considered an act of war? If I was a soldier, I’d tell my commanding officers to suck a fucking dick and I’d blow every last one of those Mexican commandos to kingdom come with an RPG. Court martial me, I don’t care. If I crossed their border illegally, the Mexican military would have no qualms about firing on me. Maybe I should grab a semi-automatic rifle and sneak across the border into Mexico, then engage Mexican troops. Actually, that really sounds like fun.

I could understand if Arizona was giving orders to round up all Hispanic people and hold them in concentration camps or something, but come on. This is one case where racial profiling is a necessity. Let’s think for a moment. What ethnicity are most people illegally crossing the border from Mexico likely to be? Certainly not Hispanic? Leave the border unsecured, and soon you’ll have Islamic terrorists sneaking over too. Oh wait.

Seeing as Obama and friends are more concerned with creating new Democrats, I have a better proposal. We don’t want the violence from drug cartel-run Mexico spilling across our borders, and the Mexican authorites are too busy snorting yayo to stop them. Let’s form a giant army of American civilians armed with rifles and go clean up Mexico ourselves. Let’s purge every last one of those Los Zetas and La Raza fucks from the face of the Earth. Then let’s march right into Mexico City and burn it to the fucking ground, because as far as I’m concerned the Mexican government has already declared war on us by allowing their drug cartels to pollute my country. Few things could fill my heart with more pride than seeing Old Glory raised over the ruins of Tenochtitlan:

In fact, there’s only two other places that I’d be more proud to see the American flag flying in triumphant conquest over:

I could never hope to top Iwo Jima, and I’d rather see the United Nations reduced to rubble instead.

Don’t you nitwits see what’s going on here? Mexico is attempting to reconquer the territory they lost to us during the Mexican-American War. They even have a cute little term for it, “reconquista“. The sad part about this? Many Americans seem to think that this shit is justified because we “stole” it from them. Great logic. So you won’t mind then if I bulldoze your house so nature can reclaim it, right? After all, the plants and trees were there first, until humans came along and uprooted them to build on the land. Anyone who believes that a foreign invasion of their own country is justified is a fucking asshole and should be taken behind the chemical sheds and shot. Seriously, how much more of a bleeding heart can you be to condone the conquest of your own country by another?

Arizona, you have earned my respect. Your next piece of legislation should authorize the use of deadly force on people sneaking across the border.

 

Miscellaneous

How to deal with vandals

Angry_Jerk 0Comments

(Note: If you’re not familiar with some of the graffiti terminology used in this article, this Wikipedia article will be of great help to you.)

The other morning, I stepped outside my front door. Birds were chirping. Cars were whizzing by. My Puerto Rican neighbors were working on their cars and blasting their shitty Mexican hiphop. All was right in the city. Except for one thing: Some little asshole had scribbled on my railing.

After spending 10 minutes trying to figure out exactly what the tag said, I gave up and went inside to whack off. Now freshly relieved, I returned and again attempted to decipher the alien cipher. No luck. I called up my buddy who is a cryptographer for the CIA, and he was just as baffled as I was. Most people would have just said fuck it and removed the tag with GoofOff or some other solvent, but I’m a man who believes in seeing through what he’s started. Neither myself nor the CIA could read it, but surely someone who specializes in writing this kind of gibberish could read it.

Thankfully these little tagger pussies are a dime a dozen, so I took a brief walk to the local middle school, where sure enough there was a group of kids scribbling on a wall with a couple of paint markers. Upon recognizing me as “that crazy ass boy who flips out on people for stupid shit”, three of the four punks scattered like cockroaches. The remaining one made a meager attempt to stand and fight, saying “I ain’t runnin’ yo!” He then proceeded to throw a half-assed punch, which I stopped by grabbing his wrist and giving it a nice sharp twist. After making the wannabe-ruffian cry mercy, I took him to another one of the unknown tagger’s spots and asked him to decipher the tag. He just looked at the tag, then back to me. I thought maybe he was deaf, so I used sign language (taking a knife out of my pocket and putting the tip of it to his throat while pointing at the tag and screaming “ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF? WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS SHIT ASSHOLE?”) to convey my message to him. “T-t-tank!” stuttered the terrified 14 year old. I now had the nickname of the asshole who defaced my railing. This “Tank” asshole was going to have his life ruined.

I dug around MySpace and eventually found Tank’s profile. Surprise surprise, Tank was some punk ass 15 year old wigger. His page was decked out with quotes like “DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR”, “I WONT STOP PAINTIN TILL DA WORLD LOOKS DA WAY IT SHOULD IM ON A MISSION TO MAKE HEAVEN LOOK LIKE MA NEIGHBORHOOD”, and “HATERS MAKE ME FAMOUS”. “Haters make me famous”. A most fitting quote considering what I was about to do to his pasty poser ass. His profile had been set to private, but I had infiltrated it by pretending to be some random hood, complete with my own quotation of “NO HONOR AMONG THIEVES”. I found out what other taggers he rolled with, who he already had beef with, and where he usually hung out at. Ask yourselves this: What’s more fun, kicking the shit out of some retarded pissant or deceiving other retarded pissants into doing it for you without either party knowing that you exist? A storm was a-brewin’, and it wasn’t from the Mexican food I had for dinner the night before. Tank was going to become famous.

I’m no n00b when it comes to tagging. I too used to enjoy going around with a can of Krylon or some Sharpies and writing my nickname (SiLO -NXC SQD REPRESENT-) all over the place. I knew all the rules and all the lingo. I knew the best places to bomb. I also knew many of the most prominent taggers in the neighborhood. Tank was about to make some very dangerous enemies.

After perfecting my emulation of Tank’s scribblings, I hit the streets looking for people to beef with. Tank had a very busy day. Here’s some things Tank decided to do on his day out:

  • Crown himself a king.
  • Slash the tags and throw-ups of several prominent taggers, many of whom are in their mid-20’s to early 30’s.
  • Follow up his slashings by calling the slashed taggers a bunch of “oldhead toys”.
  • Provide the tagging crew “WAB Squad” with some new meanings for their acronym, amongst them “Wack Ass Bombers” and “Weak Ass Bitches”.
  • Boast about having sex with the mother of SUSHI, a prominent tagger.
  • Accuse another prominent tagger by the name of CLEMSKI of being a snitch, and follow his accusation with the statements “SNITCHES GET STITCHES BITCH”, “YOU GONNA GET ROLLED ON MOTHAFUCKA”, and “GONNA RUN YO ASS OVER LIKE A TANK”.
  • Challenge several shitty taggers like himself to a fight.
  • Express his distaste for the Jewish people by putting swastikas all over a synagogue. He also used the same green paint when tagging his name on another section of the same wall.
  • Call the (black) principal of his school racial slurs and make veiled threats about destroying his car.

Tank effectively signed his own death warrant. Not only did he just piss off almost every tagger in the neighborhood, but the cops were going to go to town on his ass for vandalizing the synagogue and threatening his school principal. Maybe the FBI would even join in and charge him with a hate crime. If I were in Tank’s shoes, I’d probably be considering suicide.

Since I’m confident that this tool won’t be able to deduce that I’m the one who did it and come back to further fuck up my house, I left him a little message on his MySpace profile:

Two days have passed, and the worst reprisal I’ve had from Tank is being defriended. Not even a lulz-filled death threat. Tank on the other hand had a lot of explaining to do. Most of this explaining consisted of getting his ass kicked by several different people.

Looks like our friend’s prospective art career… tanked.

 

…

Sorry.

Miscellaneous

The nectar of the gods

Angry_Jerk 0Comments

If God drank soda, he’d drink this:

Only faggots don’t like Dr. Pepper.

If you’re a fucking moron who’s completely oblivious to what Dr. Pepper is, let me attempt to condense its awesomeness into mere words for you. Imagine you built a time machine and went back to 1960 and fucked Grace Slick when she was 21 years old. Now, imagine that while you’re fucking her, that hot chick you liked in high school who was absurdly out of your league came in butt naked and was like “Can I join in?”. So you, Grace Slick, and your high school crush are having a hot three way. Things can’t possibly be more awesome, right? WRONG. Out of nowhere, “The Trooper” starts playing. You look up and see a fleet of F-22 Raptors being flown by Iron Maiden. Then the Punisher comes crashing through the window and hands you an M4 rifle to slay a bunch of Russian troops riding towards you on horseback. Finally you reach your peak and you give Grace Slick and your high school crush a big ass moneyshot. But before you can collapse from exaustion, they’re all over your cock again begging for round two.

Now take all of the above, liquify it, carbonate it, and put it in a can. Yeah, that’s what Dr. Pepper is comparable to: Sex with Grace Slick and your high school crush while listening to Iron Maiden and massacring enemy troops alongside the Punisher. Ron FUCKING Paul.

I have this cockbag friend who thinks Mountain Dew is better than Dr. Pepper. He called me a pussy and told me I couldn’t handle the so-called “awesomeness” of Mountain Dew. BULL FUCKING SHIT. So one day he went out to do whatever stupid shit faggots like him do for fun (probably shop for purses and Richard Simmons workout tapes), and I went over to his house and had sex with his mom and his girlfriend in his bed. When he sashayed his hips through his bedroom door, he saw me laying there holding a bottle of Dr. Pepper while his mom and his girlfriend were giving me head. He ran out of the room crying like the pussy he is. I went to comfort him:

Me: Hey Jeff.

Jeff: *sniff sniff* AJ, how could you?

Me: Hey, I’m sorry man.

Jeff: *sniffle* You’re sorry?

Me: Yeah… SORRY YOU DON’T HAVE A SISTER FOR ME TO FUCK TOO LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Fucking pwn3d.

It’s like 3 AM and I’m wired on Dr. Pepper. Before I go, here’s some facts about Dr. Pepper:

  • Dr. Pepper has a PhD in tastiness.
  • Dr. Pepper caused Tucker Max’s shitty movie to flop.
  • Dr. Pepper did 9/11.
  • One of the main ingredients in Dr. Pepper is Grace Slick’s spit.
  • Another main ingredient of Dr. Pepper is Gaston’s sweat.
  • Dr. Pepper crucified Jesus.
  • Billy Joel drinks three gallons of Dr. Pepper before performing “We Didn’t Start the Fire”. It gives him the sheer awesomeness it takes to remember all the lyrics.
  • Bruce Dickinson drinks 1,000 gallons of Dr. Pepper before performing “The Trooper”. It doesn’t give him the sheer awesomeness it takes to rock balls (he was born with that), he just likes Dr. Pepper that much.
  • Dr. Pepper turned Michael Jackson white.
  • Dr. Pepper saved John Lennon from Yoko Ono’s Jap bitch wrath by possessing Mark David Chapman. Why did Chapman sit down and read “Catcher in the Rye” after shooting Lennon? Because his frail feeble mortal mind couldn’t handle the concentrated awesomeness of Dr. Pepper and drove him insane.

Aight, I’m out. Peace.

Social Commentary

Driving a pick-up truck does not make you invincible

Angry_Jerk 0Comments

If you’re one of those assholes who thinks that your Ford F150 or your Dodge Ram is completely immune to getting into accidents, you deserve to veer off the road and into a ditch. And when you see me pulling over to the side of the road, it won’t be so I can help you. It will be so I can point at you and laugh like Nelson from the Simpsons, then give you the middle finger and drive away.

When you illegaly cross the yellow double lines to go around me in your truck (because doing 50 on a 30 MPH road in an area populated by deer is too fucking slow), it doesn’t make you look the least bit intimidating, it just makes you look like the pencil-dicked douchebag you are. Oh, and I love it when you couple it with hand gestures. I’ve got a hand gesture for you:

My attempt to take my “Trolled!” series from the internet to the real world probably wasn’t such a great idea.

Assholes like you are the reason the county is lowering the speed limits. You do something stupid, then karma (or in this case, carma) kicks in and you get into a wreck and die, along with some innocent person who was actually obeying the law. Then people like me have to wear out our brakes going down a mountain because the speed limit was lowered from 50 MPH to 40 MPH, and the media attention your reckless retardation received has forced the cops to be Nazis and not accept the fact that I’m just coasting downhill.

Even worse is when these fucks do this shit in the snow. “HUR DUR I GOT 4-WHEEL DRIVE SO GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU SLOW ASS!” Yeah? Will your all-wheel drive stop you from slipping on a patch of black ice and spinning into a ditch? No, it won’t. All it will do is provide me with a good laugh as I pretend to slow down like I’m going to help you then give you the finger and cruise off.

People should be required to take a special test to be permitted to drive a vehicle with all-wheel drive. It would consist of one question:

“Does all-wheel drive make you invincible?”

a) Yes

b) No

That way when their truck careens off the road and into a tree because they decided to speed on an icy road, they’ll spend their last minutes alive reflecting on that one question that they thought was stupid and the fact that their blatant disregard for it is why they’re dying.

It’s not that owning a truck makes someone a douchebag. In fact, I happen to like pickup trucks, since they give you much more room to transport things than a car does. It’s the assholes who act like driving a truck makes them hot shit and completely invincible to any element, then express indignation that you would dare to call them out on their careless behavior.

Own a pickup truck, but not sure if you’re one of the assholes I’m talking about? Here’s a quick checklist that might help you find out:

  • You have a Confederate flag sticker on your window or anywhere on your vehicle. If the majority of “Rebs” are as dumb as you, I don’t think we have much to worry about if the South rises again.
  • You have designated a gender for your truck in the form of custom lettering on your windshield. It’s one thing to refer to your truck as “her”, but when you have “My True Love” stuck across your windshield, you look like a retard.
  • You have a “Git-R-Done” sticker on your back window. Larry the Cable Guy is moderately funny. Your usage of his catchphrase as some sort of “redneck pride” is extremely irritating.
  • You keep your highbeams on when you’re only 5 feet behind the car in front of you. If I could invent some kind of device that absorbs the light from your headlights and reflects it back at you tenfold, I’d become a millionaire overnight.
  • You get pissed off and honk your horn like a dipshit if the car in front of you stops because there’s a deer in the middle of the road. Sorry my Subaru can’t plow through a 300 pound object. Feel free though to take initiative and clear the way yourself.
  • You have a beer logo sticker on your car. It’s like a billboard saying “Pull me over for DUI!” Especially if it’s a Budweiser sticker. Shit’s nasty.

If at least three of these describes you, sorry, looks like you’re an asshole. You can redeem yourself by eliminating your genes from the pool.

Music

Your favorite bands are mediocre

Angry_Jerk 0Comments

-Aerosmith

Looking at Steven Tyler’s lips, I’m fully convinced this guy blew his way to the top:

You don’t acquire those lips from a lengthy career of being a great musician, you acquire those lips from a lengthy career of sucking cocks.

Aerosmith is mediocre and I have no idea how they’re still around.

-Led Zeppelin

“Stairway to Heaven” is the third most drawn out song in the world, right after “Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida” and “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer”. It’s also the most overrated by far. My friend plays the guitar and every time he’s playing for a bunch of people it’s always “Ooh, can you play Stairway to Heaven?!!!” followed by “Damnit AJ, do you know how hard it is to get blood out of this carpet?”

I’m also tired of assholes citing them as an example of early heavy metal. They weren’t metal, and you’re a faggot.

-Red Hot Chili Peppers

These guys are always being depicted as some bad-ass hard rock band, but I have never heard a “hard” song from them. Like in that episode of the Simpsons where Krusty has them for his comeback special and they’re all half-naked and their lyrics are “edgy”. Then it shows them out on stage swinging the microphone and thrashing around like they’re Iron Maiden or some shit. Every song I’ve heard by them has been soft bullshit. They suck dick, and Matt Groening needs to be shot in the face for attempting to depict them as being remotely hard. Seriously, what the fuck:

Red Hot Chili Peppers singing “Zephyr Song” like the bad ass motherfuckers they are.

I challenge any Red Hot Chili Peppers fans reading this to find me ONE song that depicts these fruit cakes as even slightly bad ass.

-Pink Floyd

Rot in hell stoner fucks.

Seriously I’m tired of you assholes telling me how deep and meaningful their lyrics are. Pink Floyd is about as deep as a puddle of water in the middle of the desert, which is where I’m going to bury your bodies when I go on a genocidal rampage and purge you annoying fucks.

-The Beatles

If any band listed here generates hatemail, it’ll be the Beatles.

I like the Beatles, and I think they have some decent songs. Yeah, they did a lot for music, but people need to stop acting like they invented it. Too many people like them for the miniscule amount of songs of theirs that they play on the radio, and it’s annoying to look at almost every MySpace profile and see the Beatles listed as someone’s favorite band when their shit’s all ghettoed out and I have to put 50 Cent on mute.

-ACDC

I hate the singer’s voice and anyone who doesn’t is gay.

-Metallica

I wish Iron Maiden would thrash these worthless faggots into oblivion. Way to sue your own fans, you overhyped piece of shit relics that should have died at the end of the 80’s.

A lot of people like to defend this by saying it was the drummer that went after the fans, and not the rest of the band. If Nicko McBrain tried to sue any Iron Maiden fans for downloading their music, the rest of the band would publicly flog the fucking shit out of him at the next Rock in Rio, then use his beaten and bloodied corpse as a stage prop for their next tour. Founding member or not, Lars Ulrich should have been thrown out on his whiny worthless ass. But he wasn’t, because the rest of the band are a bunch of spineless fucking pussies just like Lars. I want to punch Lars Ulrich in his fucking face.

-Michael Jackson

The guy had some awesome dance moves, but let’s face it, his musical skills were only average. I still stand by my belief that he didn’t molest any kids.

-The Rolling Stones

I can’t think of more than two or three songs I like by them, but I can think of a shitload of reasons why they should call it quits, most of which revolve around the fact that Mick Jagger is like 90 years old.

-Elvis

Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up in his time, but I don’t understand why he’s still receiving all kinds of worship and praise. I certainly don’t expect Iron Maiden to be worshipped decades after they stop making music.

Actually, disregard that. When I become the Antichrist I’ll make it illegal not to worship Iron Maiden.

Hate me all you want. Deep down inside, you know I’m right. Now weep as the realization that some of your favorite musicians weren’t so great after all finally kicks in. Rejoice, you’re finally free.

Social Commentary

RIP customer service

Angry_Jerk 0Comments

Nothing makes me want to patronize a business more than being disrespected by some minimum wage fuckhead working at a worldwide retail chain.

Last Saturday, I found myself in need of a new set of computer headphones after my HP Premium Digital Headset finally decided that the vocal awesomeness of Pat Benatar was too intimidating and crapped out on me. I drove to Best Buy and bought myself another pair of the same headphones (which had lasted me half a year of fits of anger and blowing my eardrums out). As soon as I got home, I opened Windows Media Player, selected “Hey There Delilah” “The Trooper”, cranked the volume to its highest setting, and jacked those fuckers in. As I pressed the play button on my keyboard, I braced for the willingful violation of my ears. Nothing. I pressed the button again, figuring that for whatever reason my last attempt didn’t register. Zilch. So I opened Windows Media Player and manually hit the play button. Son of a fucking bitch. The headphones didn’t work. I checked the likely suspects: loose wires in my case, the jack not being inserted the whole way, the sound being muted. Then as I scanned my eyes across the wiring of the microphone, I spotted the culprit: a tear in the wiring. How the hell had this happened? The package was sealed, and it’s not like I cut it open anywhere near the wiring. Actually, the damage looked kind of like it was done by a mouse.

There was no way in hell I was going to take the half hour drive back to Best Buy to exchange the faulty product, so I decided to wait until the next day, Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately (or fortunately if we look at it from other angles), my friend invited me to go out to dinner with him, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend’s single friend. While we were out, we went through the local mall, where I found the same pair of headphones for $10 less. Fuck exchanging the faulty headphones, I’ll return them and save the $10. I had to choose between an evening of social interactions with my peers or returning a pair of headphones. Apparently Best Buy closes early on Sundays, so I had no choice but to spend the evening with my peers and return the headphones the next day after work.

After work the next day, I went into Best Buy to return the defective headphones. These fuckers had the audacity to try to charge me a 15% restocking fee. On defective merchandise! I had to threaten to pimpslap a few pencilnecks and I’m pretty sure I’ll never be able to show my face in that particular Best Buy again, but I got my full refund. Blood, sweat, and tears.

Gone are the days when you could simply walk into a store and get your money back for a product you didn’t want or a product that didn’t work. Now companies have found a way to still make money off of you even if you don’t keep the item you bought. How difficult is the restocking process that they need to charge you money for it anyway? I’m pretty sure all it involves is either replacing the item back on the shelf, or repackaging it with the material they keep in the back storeroom that costs them virtually nothing. It’s not like I’m trying to return a perishable item that’s subject to contamination over time.

This whole “You get whatever the fuck we give you and you have no choice but to accept it” mentality stores have today has to stop pronto. I browse your store and if something you’re selling interests me, I buy it. If that product does not work to my liking, I return it and you return to me the money I paid you for the product. None of this “It costs us money to put something back on the shelf or to return a faulty product” bullshit. There’s a reason you pay your employees minimum wage, and that’s to do menial tasks like restock shelves.

Eat a dick, Best Buy.

People

Free Mumia

Angry_Jerk 0Comments

For those who don’t know, Mumia Abu-Jamal was a black guy in Philadelphia who shot and killed a cop, Officer Daniel Faulkner, in 1981. He was sentenced to the death penalty the following year, and is still sitting behind bars. Since then, he’s been making all kinds of money writing books claiming to be a peace activist and selling anti-cop merchandise, while his fellow inmates hold him in the highest regard as someone who was able to stick it to the man and get away with it.

Numerous cities across the world have made Mumia an “honorary citizen”, most of which are probably European. I’d expect nothing less from a bunch of countries that afford protection to Turkish-Muslim leeches and Albanian human sex trafficking scumbags. Paris has even gone as far as naming a road after him, proving yet again that you can never have enough reasons to hate France.

Recently, the United States Supreme Court tossed out a ruling that nullified Mumia’s death sentence. This is supposed to pave the way for the appeals court to reinstate the death penalty, but let’s face it, Mumia ain’t gonna be executed.

The prosecutors have been playing the wrong angle. Instead of fighting to have the state execute him, they should be fighting to have him released. It’s a brilliant idea to free Mumia, because, let’s face it, the guy won’t last a week on the streets:

That little .38 may have killed a cop, but it ain’t gonna do shit against Frank Castle.

Someone will do what should have been done almost 30 years ago and just kill the motherfucker. Why has this asshole gotten multiple appeals? “Unfair trial” my ass. He fucked himself over by acting like the uncivilized ape he is during his trial. Now he plays the race card and cries “unfair trial” because there were only two black people on the jury. The only thing unfair about the trial is the fact that my tax dollars are now paying his room and board while he makes money off of the gullible liberal faggots buying his books and merchandise with his name and picture on it. Well done you morons.

If in the unlikely event the state finally decides to carry out the death penalty, I propose a raffle to choose the person to shoot Mumia. The state can charge $20 a ticket, and 50% of the proceeds will be donated to a charity associated with injured police officers. Most ticket buyers would probably even bring their own gun and ammo, so the state doesn’t even have to provide the tools. Some lucky guy’s ticket gets drawn, and Mumia is put up against a wall and shot. The guy who shot him gets bragging rights, Daniel Faulkner’s family finally gets long-overdue justice, the state and the local Fraternal Order of Police chapter make some money, and tax payers can take solace in knowing that their money is no longer paying for a cop-killing scumbag to live. Hell, even the liberal douchebags will have a new martyr to use in their protests that nobody but them gives a fuck about. Everyone wins. Except for Mumia, but he won’t mind, because he’ll be dead.

Bands like “Rage Against The Machine” and “Anti-Flag” have tried to compare Mumia to Nelson Mandela by calling him a political prisoner. I’ve never owned a Rage Against The Machine CD, but I used to like Anti-Flag back in high school, so I own two of their CDs. Hearing them say shit like “Mumia is innocent” boils my blood. Congrats Anti-Flag, you cost yourselves a fan.

Part of me really hopes some of Mumia’s homies find this article, because people in the same camp as Mumia are hyper-aggressive morons who will send me all kinds of death threats, reinforcing the stereotypes I’ll be accused of promoting.

There’s really no point in wasting money on trials that are just going to keep getting appealed, nor is there any point in allowing him to continue to leech off of my tax dollars. Just go ahead and free the bastard so some vigilante can do the world a favor and kill him.

If Officer Faulkner’s family suddenly comes out and supports freeing Mumia, you’ll know why. You’re welcome Philly. You’re welcome America.

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