This past year has been marked by many events, some of which I’ve commented on, some of which I haven’t.
Here is my take on some of the major events of 2010, summarized because most people have the attention span of fucking goldfish.
1. The Wikileaks Cable Release
When I heard that Private First Class Bradley Manning was responsible for one of the biggest leaks of classified information in United States history, the first thought that came to my mind was:
WHY THE FUCK DID THIS GUY HAVE ACCESS TO TOP SECRET INFORMATION?
For those that don’t understand how military rankings work, a Private First Class is the second-to-lowest ranking in the United States Military. This guy was basically a grunt who was allowed to tell a few other grunts what to do. Why on Earth was he permitted access to sensitive information, like the names of American informants and CIA operatives abroad? Seriously, that’s like giving the head cashier at a Walmart access to the employee payroll for the entire corporation. Further, how the fuck was he able to simply smuggle this information out on a CD labeled “Lady Gaga”? People are saying that by releasing this info, Julian Assange has put lives in danger. Because it’s impossible for al-Qaeda or some other enemy to infiltrate the military and move up a single rank so they can access this information. I say instead of prosecuting Manning, we should give him a fucking medal for exposing just how easily accessible this information is.
As far as the actual information goes, HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I had no idea whatsoever that:
- The Saudi Royal Family, who makes countless amounts of money off of oil sales, wants the United States to start another conflict in the Middle East, this time with one of the largest oil exporters in the region.
- China is getting tired of having to defend North Korea’s bullshit.
- The United States and South Korea have contingency plans to reunify Korea should the North Korean government collapse.
- The United States keeps a file on the Secretary-General of the United Nations.
- THE CIA IS SPYING ON PEOPLE!!!!
Give me a fucking break. Most of this shit is obvious to anyone with even a meager understanding of current events.
As for Julian Assange, he looks like a smug elitist asshole. I support his right to release whatever info leaks into his hands, but he can still go fuck himself.
2. The North Korean Shelling of Yeonpyeong
NoKo: IM IN UR BASE KILLIN UR CIVILIANS
NoKo: We’ll do worse if you go ahead with your military drills!
SoKo and US:
NoKo: Okay you guys, very funny, but next time we really will do it!
NoKo: … You’re lucky our forces can’t fight in the winter- I mean, the mighty Kim Jong-Il has decided to spare you his wrath.
3. The Large Earthquake in Haiti
God hates black people.
4. The Even-Larger Earthquake in Chile
Nobody gives a fuck, because Chile isn’t a third-world shithole full of disenfranchised black people.
5. The Tea Party
“Okay guys, people are starting to get wise to our act and are rallying under the banner of the ‘Tea Party’. How can we stop the average person from listening to them and crush the threat that they pose to our agenda?”
“LOL, leave that to me.”
“LIKE, OMG! I LOVE THE TEA PARTY!!!!”
“OMG, ME TOO! BFFS4LYF?”
“I’m Wolf Blitzer with CNN. Today’s top story: Sarah Palin says something dumb, and Christine O’Donnell admits to dabbling into witchcraft in high school like most teenage girls do.”
“WOW THE TEA PARTY IS STOOPID! WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAZIES!”
6. TSA Groping
7. Deepwater Horizon
Oil platform explodes in the Gulf of Mexico, spewing a shitton of crude oil into the sea. Clearly we should stop drilling in our own country and increase our reliance on foreign imports so this never happens again.
8. Gaza Flotilla Raid
Israel can do no wrong. What, you think it’s wrong for the Israeli Navy to kill nine unarmed activists? MILLIONS OF JEWS DIED IN THE HOLOCAUST YOU RACIST FUCK!
9. NASA discovers arsenic-based life form in California
Holy shit, you mean other life DOESN’T have to be confined to our standards? Who would have fucking figured?
10. 33 Chilean miners trapped underground for 69 days
11. Angry_Jerk has sex with Scarlett Johansson
Wait, that didn’t happen. n/m
12. Kanye West commits suicide
Damnit, that didn’t happen either. Well this year really fucking blew, didn’t it?