Make porn great again

Let’s make porn great again. An abridged list of things wrong with today’s smut scene.

1. Excessive talking

I’d really appreciate it if I didn’t have to hear a man talking dirty while I have my dick in my hand.

2. Bang Brothers

SHUT. THE FUCK. UP.

These guys are the biggest offenders when it comes to talking. They run their fucking mouths through 90% of the video. And what’s worse is they sound like fucking dweebs.

3. Non-English

Talking is bad enough, but it’s even worse when I have no idea what the fuck you’re saying. YouPorn is notorious for this. They can filter content by different genres, so why can’t they set up a damn filter for languages?

4. Cracking jokes

I’m not jerking off to comedy, I’m jerking off to some bitch getting her ass reamed by ten dudes at once. There are several likely reasons you’re doing porn, and not a single one of them involves your comedic talent. If I wanted to jerk off to comedy, I’d watch Sarah Silverman.

5. Photo shoots

Few things are more distracting than seeing a camera flash every three seconds. You want to put up preview pictures for the video? It’s simple, really. See that button on your keyboard labeled “Print Screen”? Learn its functions and viola, you no longer have to ruin your videos with camera flashes.

6. Interviews

I don’t give a shit about what the girl’s name is, where she’s from, how old she claims to be, what her hobbies are, if she’s single, what her exact bra size is, or any other bullshit trivia. Am I watching a fucking personals ad? It’s also not necessary to take up two minutes of my time with a striptease. Get to the fucking point before I lose mine.

7. The ever-changing definition of “amateur”

The term “Amateur” defines which of the following:

a) Homemade videos

b) Videos purporting themselves as homemade that are very obviously made in a studio.

c) Videos where websites like Bang Brothers pretend to pick up women off the street and pay them to have sex on camera.

d) Not sure.

If you answered “d) Not sure”, congratulations, that makes two of us.

8. Obnoxious background music

I’m not against background music in general, but sometimes that shit’s just too loud or downright ridiculous.

9. Zooming up on faces

This is a horrible horrible carry-over from the 80’s and 90’s (unlike the “Poodle Perm”, which needs to stage a comeback ASAP). Remember when you were little and found your dad’s video stash, and there were the scenes where two people would be fucking, and some random ass guy would just be chilling there watching them fuck, and the camera would cut to him every couple of minutes? That’s what I mean. While that example is thankfully dying out, it’s being replaced by shots of the male actors making faces. We need to kill this trend, burn it to ashes, bury it in the desert, and nuke the fucking shit out of it. However, the Poodle Perm needs to come back, and only a faggot would disagree with this idea.

10. Too much focus on the males

This coupled with the previous problem of zooming up on male faces makes me wonder if these companies hire gay guys to work the cameras. It’s shot after shot of the male moaning in pleasure or close-ups of his ass. Either the cameraman is gay, or the directors are attempting to branch out further to the female demographic. Which leads me to my next one.

11. Guys who obsess over lesbian porn

I can’t speak for other guys, but I know that when I jerk off to porn I generally imagine myself in the guy’s role. This is why I don’t understand the stereotypical male obsession with lesbian porn. Am I supposed to picture myself with both of them, despite the fact that lesbians aren’t supposed to be sexually attracted to men? Maybe I’m supposed to imagine myself as one of the women? I have no fucking idea how this works, but all indications point to lesbian porn being made for women. Besides, everyone knows that deep down all women are inherently bisexual.

12. Jerking off at the climax

Why does every single fucking porn have to end with the guy jerking off on the girl’s face? Lord Galen of SnipeMe did an entire article on this one, and it sums up my feelings on this 216%.

13. Poor acting

I’m not expecting an Oscar-winning performance, but come on. It can’t be THAT hard to fake pleasure, can it? Women in porn today might as well talk in monotone for all the emotion they show.

14. Gagging

For those who don’t know, “gagging” refers to cramming your cock so far down a woman’s throat that she literally gags on it.

A great way to help you figure out your sexuality is to watch a porn that has gagging in it. Are you aroused by watching a large throbbing penis being rammed down some girl’s throat and listening to her gag? Yes? Congratulations:

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, you do you. Or other guys.

15. Ugly women

Too many women in porn today are fugly. It used to take at least a shred of physical attractiveness to be a porn star, but standards started to lax with the onset of the “BIG IS BEAUTIFUL” fetish. Now, they’re virtually non-existent. “BUT AJ MOST WOMEN ARE UGLY AND THESE PORN MOVIES ARE TRYING TO BE REALISTIC!!!” If I wanted realism I’d look out my window and jerk off. Less fatties and more Poodle Perms please.

In closing, I leave you with pictures of two classic porn actresses, Christy Canyon and Ginger Lynn: