Thinking about visiting Milford, PA? Don’t.
I wouldn’t have even bothered to drive the 30 or so odd miles to this podunk shithole if I hadn’t seen the road sign on I-84 and vaguely recalled the Wikipedia article which said it was ranked #2 on the Top Ten Coolest Small Towns list, whatever the fuck that is. It was near my destination, so I figured why not see what it has to offer.
Here is a list of awesome things you can do in Milford, Pennsylvania:
-Drive around with your canoe on top of your car
-Wear socks with your sandals
-Wear khaki shorts
-Be an old yuppy fuck
This place was so obnoxiously boring, I fell asleep at the wheel and almost ran over this guy, and by that I mean I purposely swerved my car towards the sidewalk in anger with every intention of committing vehicular homicide. I have no doubt that was the most action Milford has ever seen in its unknown lifespan. Seriously, even they don’t know when their backwater town was founded. At least, according to the Wikipedia article. If it’s on Wikipedia, it must be true.
The abundance of yuppy fuckbags was second only to South Street in Philadelphia (fun place to play “Spot the Out-of-Towners” if you’re from Philly). Everyone there looked like they had just came from canoeing or kayaking at Bushkill Falls. There were Volkswagens everywhere.
This town has no redeeming qualities at all to justify its existence, let alone a #2 position on any list other than a list of places that should be decimated with a nuclear weapon. I wanted to mug one of those yuppy fucks to make up for the gas I wasted driving through the town, but my girlfriend convinced me that it wouldn’t be worth the jail time. The yuppy got lucky, but only because I got lucky.
Apparently Vanessa Carlton was from there. You know, the chick who sings that song that goes “If I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me by”? Yeah, well I’m sure in Milford time passes by slower than molasses in the winter, and if I had to grow up there like she did, I would walk a thousand miles just to get the fuck out of there.
In short, if you’re on I-84 heading to the park with your girlfriend and you see a sign that says “Milford, 26 miles”, just ignore it. Even Centralia is cooler than Milford, and that place has been burning for over 40 years. That’s right, I’d rather visit a mine fire emitting toxic gases and risk being arrested for trespassing on Federal property than visit Milford.
Oh, and there weren’t any MILFs there either. Lame.