The video games don’t suck, their fans do


I like playing the Kingdom Hearts games and I think Final Fantasy 7 kicks ass.

These games get a bad rep for being “gay.” But why? Why are they gay? The answer:

Thanks to fan faggotry, I now have to hear “OMG U LIEK KINGDUM HARTS AND FINAL FANTISY SEVIN??!!?! WEEABOO ANIME FAG!!!!!!!!!” every time I express even remote interest in either game. These games couldn’t be any farther from gay. Here’s some things you’ll find in each game:

Kingdom Hearts 1 and 2 (fuck Chain of Memories, useless card-based piece of shit)

  • 13 year old kid with clown shoes running around beating the shit out of Disney characters with a giant key, joined by Goofy throwing shields and Donald Duck shooting lightning bolts all over the place.
  • Mickey Mouse running around with a cloak on beating the shit out of Sephiroth-wannabes (face it fanfags, the creator of KH2 swagger-jacked Organization 13’s look from Sephiroth), which for me serves as a metaphor for my dislike of the FF7 characters in the game being portrayed in their faggy Advent Children styles.
  • Getting to beat the shit out of those annoying Disney villains, including that fat sack of shit Pete.
  • Captain Jack Sparrow (Now’s as good a time as ever to tell Johnny Depp’s obsessive fangirls to shut the fuck up and go back to listening to Green Day).
  • James Woods does the voice of Hades from Hercules.
  • Getting to wail on those annoying hyenas from the Lion King.
  • The main character coming close to boning the Little Mermaid.

Final Fantasy 7

  • Sephiroth ruining everybody’s shit with a 7 foot sword. He impales Aeris (OMG HE DIDNT CALL HER AERITH!!!!!!!!!) with said sword while she’s kneeling at an alter. He also impaled a big ass snake on a pole. I’ll leave you to deduce the metaphors.
  • One-Winged Angel. The first Final Fantasy song with vocals.
  • Sephiroth burns down an entire town because he found out he was a test tube baby.
  • Barrett, a black dude with a gun on his arm who is reminiscent of Mr. T.
  • Tifa, a tough-ass chick with big tatas

There’s no way these video games are gay. How many video games do you know where your weapon is a giant key, or where you have Mr. T with a machine gun grafted into his arm in your party?

Thanks to these retarded fans, we have shit like Advent Children and stories on about Riku from Kingdom Hearts cutting his wrists. Advent Children was shit, and I’m very much embarrassed to say that I paid for the DVD. All it did was turn the main characters into emo pussies. A movie based around Final Fantasy 7? How could it suck? Like this apparently:

There’s actually three of them, but I didn’t think it was worth adding the extra key words into Google Image to find a better picture. Between the poor Japanese-to-English translations and the annoying stereotypical anime tone of voice (watch an episode of Yugioh and you’ll see what I mean), I couldn’t figure out who these guys were supposed to be. The only things I could figure out is that they were related to Sephiroth somehow and that the guy in the front of the picture is a crybaby pussy with unhealthy mommy issues.

Sephiroth only got a 6 minute fight scene during the movie’s 100 minute run time. Whoopdy-fucking-doo. The other 94 minutes were basically Cloud riding around on his shitty motorbike and menstruating like a bitch. Most of the original characters from Cloud’s party only got one line apiece, if they were lucky. The only characters from the original party that got more than one line were Tifa and Aeris, but mostly Tifa. You know, so those fat neckbearded weeaboos can have a voice to imagine in their fantasies. Thanks a lot, fantards. You contributed to the ruination of one of the best Final Fantasy games. Stay away from Final Fantasy 2 on the SNES. That’s right, 2, not 4 or whatever it was in Japan.

I have but a simple message for all Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy 7 fans who take their fandom to the extreme: Knock it off.


The founder and owner of AJnet, and the current king of internet ranting. Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. When he’s not creating new articles for the site, he can be found watching anime or playing retro video games.