“Burn After Reading” should be burnt after viewing

It wasn’t my idea to rent this from Blockbuster. I swear.

This movie is horrible. It makes ZERO FUCKING SENSE. The whole plot basically centers around a group of retards who were having affairs, trying to sell CIA secrets to the Russians, and trying to blackmail people. Here’s a rundown of the main characters.

Osbourne Cox- Bald dude who got fired from the CIA for bitching at his boss for reassigning him, then gets served divorce papers by his wife who is cheating on him for some guy in the Treasury Department. Spends most of the movie drinking and excessively saying “Fuck” for no reason. Gets shot in the end.

Treasury Guy Played By George Clooney- I thought this guy was a fucking Arab when I first saw him. This guy is screwing Cox’s wife while cheating on his own wife (who turns out to be cheating on him). Browses dating sites and screws the chicks on them. Kills Brad Pitt’s character after finding him in a closet. Gets served with divorce papers. In the end, gets arrested by the CIA while trying to flee to Venezuela. Oh, and he invents some reclining chair with a dildo.

Brad Pitt’s Character/Rick Astley Wannabe- Proof that Brad Pitt is a shitty actor. Tries too hard to be a Stifler-esque frat boy. Finds a CD with CIA secrets and helps the ugly chick try to blackmail Cox, then sell the stuff to the Russians. Runs around drinking Gatorade and listening to his MP3 player. In a twist of sheer irony, gets shot in the head by the Treasury guy, creating one of the best movie scenes I’ve ever seen in what was probably one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. How many movies can you actually see Brad Pitt get his brains splattered on the wall? Also, looks like Rick Astley:

On the left, Brad Pitt after I punched him in the nose for his shitty acting. On the right, Rick Astley, who will never give you up, let you down, run around, desert you, make you cry, say good-bye, tell a lie, or hurt you.

 

Ugly Blonde Bitch- Uses dating sites because she’s fugly. Gets picked up by the Treasury guy, who boinks her several times and probably catches some kind of STD. Tries to blackmail Cox, then instead tries to sell the CIA secrets to the Russians. All so she can pay for cosmetic surgery. Sends Brad Pitt into Cox’s house, causing him to get shot by Treasury guy. Spends the rest of the movie schitzing about Pitt and the CIA people following her. Gets arrested in the end.

The whole movie, I was sitting there asking “WTF is going on?” And at the end of the movie, as if to add insult to the injury, the two CIA seniors are discussing the events of the movie, and outright say “I don’t know what the fuck was going on or why anybody did anything.”

I have to go now. I can feel my heart beating in my ears, and my blood pressure’s already high enough.