Fuck you, I’m a Marine!

If you join the Marines, you automatically become invulnerable. That wasn’t true, but it definitely sounded good, didn’t it?

NOTE: I should probably put this disclaimer here. The purpose of this article isn’t to diss the military or the Marines as a whole, but rather the assholes that use their service as justification for being douchebags.

Go to a bar or club on a Friday or Saturday night. In the midst of the assholes wearing Polo shirts and the blonde party whores wearing green, you’ll find at least one guy who acts as though he’s invincible. He’ll usually be surrounded by the Blonde Party Whore Brigade and a legion of loyal male followers who serve as his Public Fellations team. If you stand up to him, his PF team will be the first to tell you of his status as a Marine (because being in the military automatically makes you better than the other 216 guys in the bar, amirite?), and how you’re crazy to stand up to him. Should you decide to ignore these retards and stand your ground anyway, the Marine will get so close up in your face that any non-retarded person in the bar or club (i.e. only yourself) will probably think he’s trying to put the moves on you. At this point, most people back down simply out of fear of having some macho faggot’s tongue forced into their mouths. If you decide to continue to stand your ground, it’s in your best interest to just deck the son of a bitch right then and there, then follow up with a beer bottle to the temple. Failure to do so will probably lead to you being punched once, then his butt-buddy bouncer boyfriend coming over and throwing you out before you can even get a chance to retaliate. The Marine’s PF team and the Blonde Party Whore Brigade will then jeer at you for losing and you’ll never be able to enter that bar/club again. Good riddance.

I once dealt with this kind of faggotry. Me and this chick were in this bar. I was chilling out drinking double shots of Yukon with Miller Light on the side (the only beer I remotely like), when this buzz cut tight shirted macho fuck came up and started trying to make a move on my girl. She declined him a couple of times, but he was persistent. Finally, I decided I had had enough. He went to put his arm around her, and I snapped mine out and grabbed his wrist. I stood up and very calmly said “Hey buddy, she’s with me, okay?” The way everyone had stopped to look at me, you’d think I had just told Jesus Christ himself to suck my balls. Even the music player scratched to a halt, and it played MP3s. Some shrimpy looking guy with a backwards baseball cap stood in front of me and said “You crazy or something, bro?” I’m about 6’2, and weigh 200 lbs, and here was this guy who was at the most 5’6 and weighed no more than 140 lbs trying to stand up to me. What a joke. I looked at him and said “Get out of my face.” As the twig scurried back, the Marine stepped forward, putting his face in mine. “You gonna do something, tough guy?” he asked. The stench of his breath was horrid, but I stood my ground. “Are you trying to kiss me or something, fag?” I retorted. One of his retarded friends made a move and tried to attack me. I grabbed his arm with my left hand, wrapped it around the back of his head, then used my right hand to slam his face into the counter. The bouncers who were parting the sea of patrons to break up the fight stopped in their tracks, probably because they had never seen any other type of fighting besides assholes thinking they’re professional boxers. The Marine looked a bit surprised, but didn’t back down. I looked him in the eye and said “Mate, when you tried to steal my woman, then tried to pick a fight with me, you forgot one thing.” “What’s that?” “I’m Captain Jack Sparrow.” Then I cut his throat with a pirate sword, then grabbed the girl and swung away on a rope that inexplicably appeared from nowhere. The music thing didn’t have the theme from Pirates of the Caribbean, so I had to settle for “Captain Jack” by Billy Joel.

I wish my life were that awesome. Actually, none of that happened and I made the whole thing up because I’m a pussy who sits and talks shit behind a computer screen.

But seriously, I’m tired of Marines acting like they’re hot shit simply because of their service. I have family who served in the Marines, family who served in the Navy, and even a relative who’s an Army Ranger. They don’t act like assholes, so there’s no excuse for this kind of bullshit from anybody in uniform.

Grow up and stop acting like oversized children, morons.