Windows Vista can choke on a dick

Windows Vista is the shittiest thing I have ever encountered. I’ve had diarrhea less shittier than Windows Vista.

First of all, the thing is way too fucking needy. I feel less like I’m using a computer and more like I’m working behind the desk in a welfare office with its incessant begging for updates. I hate having to restart my computer for bullshit updates I probably don’t even need. It was already working fine. Why did I need to waste 10 minutes waiting for it to install updates and reboot? It’s not like it was some patch to prevent a virus or something. I install the updates, then when I restart, it needs more updates! It’s getting to a point where whenever I power down my laptop, I usually have like 13 updates waiting to be installed and it takes 20 minutes to shut down my computer. I wouldn’t have even bought the laptop if I didn’t get that Economic Stimulus Check the IRS sent out. I’m debating wiping the hard drive and installing Windows XP. But I still have to upgrade my girlfriend’s daughter’s computer for her first. Stop cramming bullshit updates down my throat. It doesn’t even tell me what the updates do. Why would I want to install something that won’t tell me what it is and won’t leave me alone until I do install it? For all I know, it’s creating a backdoor so the NSA can spy on me. Fuck the NSA. Just because I have nothing to hide doesn’t mean I’m going to open up my shit and let them in. If you really feel I have stuff on my computer that’s a threat to national security, then do it the legal way by getting a warrant and coming to my door. Otherwise, stop acting shifty and doing it behind my back. This laptop is probably already so junked up with backdoors and spy shit that the NSA can turn on my webcam at will and watch me type this.

Another thing that pisses me off is the ridiculous amount of shit that pops up. The first time I ever booted my laptop, I was bombarded with no less than 20 windows full of stuff I didn’t care about. “What’s new in Vista?” “Click here for HP customer support!” “Bend over and take it like a man!” I had to go into the Add/Remove Programs thing and remove 10 programs just to stop it. There was this one program full of game trials that took up over 2 gigabytes. Two fucking gigabytes. What a waste of hard drive space. Yeah, I know I’m being pretty Jew, since my hard drive has 120 gigs. But space is space. I could use that 2 gigs for 30 second porn clips or more volumes of YTMND The Soundtrack.

The “User Account Control” thing pisses me off to no end. Every single fucking thing I do, it asks me if I approved it. I know you can turn this off, but why the fuck is it set to do this at default? And when you turn it off, a little shield with an “x” in it pops up in the corner bar to constantly remind me of this. Which brings me to my next issue.

Why the fuck does Vista feel the need to remind me nonstop if I change a setting? If I turn off the automatic updates, the user account control, Windows Defender, or any of the other useless bullshit by Microsoft, it won’t leave me alone about it. If you turn off automatic updates, the reminder won’t close and sits there in the corner eating up your memory and constantly popping up to tell you to turn it back on. Leave me alone already you obsessive fuck. I told you I didn’t want you, so why are you still pushing yourself onto me? If I want you I’ll call you. Windows Vista is like that 14 year old girl who had a crush on me a while back, except way more pushy and not as attractive.

Then, it won’t let me add new fonts. It keeps telling me I need administrator privileges to change the “Fonts” folder from read-only, yet I’m the only account on the computer. Turns out I have to go through the hassle of extracting them from their zip file to a separate folder, then moving them from that folder to the Fonts folder. What a useless hassle. On Windows XP, I was able to simply extract them from the zip file into the Fonts folder. So why did it tell me I needed administrator privileges to do that? Well, it’s not the first time I got that message.

I have a folder for my upcoming Flash series. Inside the folder is an array of Word documents (scripts, plots, ideas, etc), and some PSD files of logos I’ll be using in the series (sneak peaks coming soon). I had two of the PSD files open in Photoshop. I had finally came up with a good name for the series, so I went to rename the main folder with the name I had created. It told me I had insufficient access privileges, and I needed to be the administrator. I had had the same experience with a Word document in another folder before. I closed both PSDs, and tried again. Lo and behold, it worked. From what it appears, the people who programmed Vista were lazy half-wits, and simply said “Fuck it, we don’t need to create an error message in case a user tries to do something that’s not possible. Let’s just use the ‘Administrative Access’ error message and save time.” Lazy bastards.

In short, don’t use Windows Vista, unless you want to have to learn how to use Windows all over again. It seems to me like Vista is trying to be like Mac in the same way that a white suburban kid tries to be a black ghetto gangsta. Windows Vista is a Wac. Sure, the graphics look better, but that’s it. Almost like video games today. All graphics, nothing more. I hate today’s first-person shooters. It’s all lame ass missions. And if you fail a mission, you have to start the level over. I don’t play FPS’s to be someone’s bitch and do work for them. I play them to commit senseless acts of murder. That’s what rocked balls about Goldeneye on the N64. You could fail an objective, but still go around the level killing people. I’d accidentally ice more than two scientists in the Chemical Factory, then say fuck it and just go around the level killing everyone I see. I killed that slimy 006 bastard before he could betray me, but it said I failed. Why? The guy betrays you later and has Natalya kidnapped. I’m just stopping a huge shitstorm by killing him in advance. And he’s way weaker in the Chemical Plant than in the Cradle level. In the Cradle, it takes a ton of running around and listening to him insult you before he drops down the hole and you kill his ass. In the Chemical Plant, one shot from my PP7 kills him. The Grand Theft Auto series aren’t true FPS’s, but they have the right idea. I’ll do the missions when I want to, and spend most of my time going around senselessly killing hookers, starting gang wars, blowing up helicopters, and popping cops. Doom 2 is also awesome. No missions, just going from level to level killing monsters and zombies.

The only people that like Windows Vista are those university student yuppies who review every new Google feature that comes out on their shitty free blogs. They’re usually Asian, and have American-sounding first names, like Peter or Alex. Microsoft can take Windows Vista and ram it down Bill Gates’ throat until he chokes, just like it does with its useless updates. Fuck Windows Vista, and fuck Microsoft. Too bad most of the good programs aren’t compatible with Linux. I’m so installing Windows XP on this computer.

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By Angry_Jerk

The CEO/Editor-in-chief of AJnet, and the current king of internet ranting. Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. When he’s not creating new articles for the site, he can be found hitting the weights, watching anime, or playing retro video games.