Public bathrooms

I try to avoid public restrooms if I can, since I’m insecure about my dick size.

Not just because they’re dirty, but because the other people using them are retards. I have compiled a list of things that piss me off about public restrooms.

1. People who sing

I normally pause my MP3 player when I go pee, so why the fuck would I want to hear some off-key dumb ass? This one time I heard some guy singing a Spanish folk song while I was trying to pee. I had SeƱor Juan call his mother a whore in Spanish, then I stuck his head in the toilet and gave him a swirly.

2. Noisy kids

Let’s think for a moment. I have my hand on my dick. The LAST thing I want to hear while touching my genitalia is some little kid’s voice. That’s enough to make my dick shrivel up to a point where I have to sit down to pee. I can’t stand it when I’m trying to piss and little kids are running around screaming at each other like lunatics. Tell your damn kids to wait outside if they’re going to run around hooting like chimpanzees.

3. Automatic hand driers

They don’t work. I usually end up drying my hands on my jeans or shirt. What was wrong with paper towels? Fuck the trees. My hands being dry is more important than some useless hunk of wood that just stands around doing nothing. What have trees done for us? There’s plenty of them to go around, so it’s not like we’re wiping them out by using them for paper towels. I can understand not wanting to cut down entire forests or anything, so why not make tree farms for paper? That way we’re not depleting the forests, and slum lords can’t buy up the land to turn it into low-income housing projects so more lazy crackheads can leech off of my tax money. Bring back paper towels in restrooms.

4. People who socialize like it’s a party

Going back to the point of having my hand on my dick, I really don’t want to hear other guys talking about how they got laid or how well the local football team is doing. If you have your hand on your dick while standing next to another man with their hand on their dick and you’re talking about sweaty guys in tight pants running around tackling each other and grabbing balls, that can only mean one thing, and it’s not that you’re a hardcore sports fan.

5. Automatic sinks

There are two types of auto sinks that piss me off.

First, we have the ones where you press down the button and it sprays for a limited time. I’ve seen some sinks that are relatively generous with time, and I’ve seen plenty that only spray while you hold it. Am I supposed to only wash one hand at a time? Then I go to the automatic hand drier only to find there’s still soap on my hands.

Then we have the ones with the sensor that’s supposed to detect your hands underneath. These ones are almost as big a pain in the ass as the other ones. They usually shut off in the middle of washing your hands, and you have to shake your hands around like an idiot to get it to turn back on.

Fuck automatic stuff. They’re faulty and don’t give you enough of whatever it is you need. Like the serving size on a 20 oz bottle of soda. Apparently, a 20 oz bottle is 2 and a half servings. Bullshit. Who seriously gets 2 and a half servings from a bottle of Pepsi? You don’t share the bottle with your buddies. You drink it by yourself. If you’re like me, you’ll buy a bottle of Sierra Mist, drink a little bit of it, then add vodka. If your friend asks you to share, you tell him to fuck off.

6. Toilet paper dispensers

Every time I take a shit in a public bathroom, I thank the Great Satan (because I’m rebellious like that) that they haven’t made these automatic yet. It would be like sprinkling maggots onto a rotting corpse.

I hate when I go to grab the toilet paper, and it comes out like a rope. How the hell am I supposed to wipe my ass with a rope of toilet paper? There’s a better way to design these things I’m sure.

7. People who clog the toilets with toilet paper and flush

It was funny when I was 8, but now I’m in my early 20’s, and it makes me want to clog the toilet with your head and flush. Knock it off.

8. People who scratch their names into mirrors

Your scribblings suck, and they aren’t real graffiti. I’m not going to look at the mirror, see your name, and say “Hey, Nemo’s graff looks sick!” I’m going to look at your name and wish that you were run over by a bus.

I’d rather hold my bladder until it explodes than use a public restroom.