Karma can kiss my ass

It all started with a trip to Walmart to pick up some camping supplies.

My girlfriend and I were in the self-check out (which is a royal pain in the ass). I was looking around for unattended money in the other check outs’ dollar bill dispensers, when I saw another lady walk away to leave her self-check out. I noticed there was still cash in the thing. I went over and grabbed it. It was only $3, so being the honest guy I am, I went to return it to the lady. She gave me a strange look, and said “Thank you.” As I was walking back to my girlfriend, it smacked me in the face like your mom’s tits: I had been fucked over. That $3 wasn’t that lady’s. Someone else had left it there, and she hadn’t noticed it either. I had given away $3. Three fucking dollars. I was broke as it was, and had given away money I could have used. I had tried to do a good deed, and got anally raped in return. “Karma must pay,” I decided. To make up for karma fucking me over, I had to do 3 bad deeds, one for each dollar that I was swindled out of.

We stopped at one campground a couple of days after the incident. I went to wash dishes, and found a nice Tinkerbell watch that looked like it came straight from Disney World’s gift shop. Knowing how they gouge the shit out of you at Disney World, I’d say the watch probably cost somewhere close to $50. Even further, on the back was an engraving: “To Becca, Love Grandma 12/21/07”. If you didn’t already think I was a heartless asshole, I’m sure you do now. I swiped a $50 watch that was some little girl’s Christmas present from her grandma. Further more, I gave the watch to my girlfriend’s daughter. One bad deed down, two more to go.

A few days later, we were at the same campground getting ready to leave, when someone left their screenhouse unattended for a couple of hours. The maintenance staff took the poles and threw the screen itself in the trash. My girlfriend noticed this, and told me about it. Time for bad deed number two.

My girlfriend and I went to the dumpster, and took the screen out to check for rips. No rips. We rolled it up, and I spotted the guys who took it. I told them that I had left my stuff unattended, and someone saw them take it. They started giving me some line of bullshit about how they only took the poles, and the screen was already in the trash. Whatever dude, I don’t care, just give me the fucking poles. After them pissing away my time telling me how they didn’t move the screen and how someone must be playing a joke on me, I took the poles, and stuffed them in the car. Sure enough, some guy came up asking people if they saw his screen house. “Yeah sir, I thought I saw the maintenance guys put it in their truck and drive off.” By the time the guy went down to the ranger station and found out he was lied to, we were on our way north. Two down, one to go.

Finally, at another campground, I came across a nifty little dog whistle. You know, one of those things that hurts the dog’s ears, but we can’t hear? Swiped. As fate would have it, a woman came out of the restroom and started looking for it. She asked if I had seen it. “Yeah m’am, I thought I saw the maintenance guys put it in their truck and drive off.” “Thank you!” I caught her shortly after flagging them down. Thankfully she didn’t know where my site was. Time to fuck with all those assholes back in Philly who let their dogs run around without their leashes. Next time I walk past one of their little dog-walker congregations and their annoying dogs come running up and sniffing my ass, their ears will get fucked up. Sure, I heard that the owners are all undercover cops. But how was I supposed to know the dogs weren’t going to attack me, your honor? It’s not my fault the owners violated leash laws. I perceived a threat, so I defended myself.

Anyway, fuck you Karma.