Beer bashes in the woods blow

I like walking through the woods around my neighborhood. Nothing beats just going for a stroll under the trees.

Apparently, the woods is the prime area for Catholic high school kids to throw parties at night. I even saw a kid bringing his mother to one of these parties. If some 40 year old woman is going to a party full of high school kids, that can only mean one thing:

COUGAR ALERT!

I wish I had parties like this when I was in high school. Hot 40 year old women looking for younger guys. Come to think of it, I wish I had friends when I was in high school. I was so cool, that people were too intimidated to talk to me. Either that or they thought I was a fag. Oh well.

I sent Juan out to see what exactly goes on at one of these parties. Here are some real and totally not Photoshopped pictures:

Some asshole spilled beer on Juan’s shirt after the first picture, so Juan kicked the guy’s ass and took his shirt.

Anyway, while at the party, Juan noted several things:

While I’m not legally old enough to buy alcohol, my girlfriend is. Me, my girlfriend, and Juan went to the local beer distributer and picked up a case of Milwaukee’s Best. The first thing I noticed about it was how cheap it was. I don’t recall the exact prices off the top of my head, but I do know that Miller Light cost more. This would explain why the high school kids drink Milwaukee’s Best. Mommy and daddy only give them $15 a week for allowance, and it’s common courtesy to give the runner a decent tip.

We got back to my place, and cracked open a can of Milwaukee’s Best. It was so awful, that I almost puked after a few sips. If that’s Milwaukee’s best, remind me to stay the fuck away from that city. Thank god I still had half a bottle of REAL alcohol left:

It’s even got a lumberjack-looking dude on it. While I hate to play on the over-used “ninjas/pirates/vikings/lumbjacks are manly” thing, this should be a dead giveaway that this shit is the real deal. You won’t see Yukon Jack anywhere near a high school beer bash in the woods. If Yukon Jack stumbled upon one of these parties in his woods, he’d crash it. And by crash it, I mean he’d chop down a tree so it crashes down on the party and kills everyone. Yukon Jack doesn’t take shit from anyone. I heard Chuck Norris challenged Yukon Jack to a fight one time, and Yukon Jack KO’d him just by giving him a menacing stare. Then Yukon Jack summoned Bruce Lee from the dead and they both drank Yukon Jack while laughing about what a pussy Chuck Norris is.

High school kids have the worst parties. Sure, they’re great if you wanna get a blow job in the woods from some 15 year old girl or get high. But it always ends up leading to a cop busting you leaving the party or something. That would have to suck pretty hard getting caught by the police getting head from a 15 year old girl. Especially if you’re almost 21 years old. Can you imagine sitting in the holding cell with all the hard ass gangstas? “Whatchoo in for white boy?” “Getting my dick sucked by a 15 year old girl.” “Damn, you a real G! Stay away from dis nigga!”

It’s 10:45 in the morning, and I’m sitting here listening to “Piano Man” while drinking Yukon Jack. I’m just trying to kill the fraction of a bottle that I have left from a while ago. If you want to win over the hotties, give them Yukon Jack. That’s how I won over mine. I had the guy at work go out and buy Yukon Jack for me so I could leave it in her workbag on Valentine’s Day. Since then, it’s been smooth sailing.

I started this article a few days ago, and added to it in spurts. I need to have this done today so it’ll be on Rantlister’s updates for Thursday. Otherwise, I’ll have to wait until I update the list again on Monday.

Now I’m just typing useless bullshit. Sorry for wasting your time. I’m outtie.