I managed to get a free bootleg copy of Spider-Man 3, and all I can say is I’m glad I didn’t spend anything to see it.
The movie was absolute trash. I will save you $10 and ruin the ending for you:
HARRY OSBOURNE DIES.
I can also sum the entire movie up in one picture:
You can put the $10 you would have spent on Spider-Man 3 towards buying something awesome like the Back to the Future Trilogy.
Spider-Man 3 sucked so much ass that it shows up that guy at your office. You know, the guy who’s always complimenting the boss while sneering at you because he thinks the boss likes him, but in reality the boss thinks he’s a douchebag.
People liked this movie enough that it set some kind of box office record or some other bullshit. It’s kind of like a dinosaur turd. Everyone’s fascinated by it, but at the end of the day it’s still just a piece of shit.
Wow, I’ve gotta write that one down.
Okay, with that settled, let me tell you WHY Spider-Man 3 sucked.
First, when Peter Parker became “Dark Spidey”, he decided to wear his hair like a lame ass Emo:
Am I watching a super hero movie or am I at a fucking Fall Out Boy concert?
The whole movie might as well consisted of Peter cutting his wrists then updating his MySpace blog about it, complete with pictures of the scars. Then he would have overdosed on Nyquil and we wouldn’t have to suffer through another shitty sequel.
That scene with him dancing down the street like he was in a Pepsi commercial? I actually cringed while watching that shit. I feel embarrassed to even admit that I watched it.
I wasn’t gonna get through this shit sober, I needed a liquid assist. After fixing myself up with some green apple vodka and tonic water, I pressed on.
The movie was basically just special effects and nothing more. I’d rather watch two hours worth of a dog fucking a cat in the ass than subject myself to this piece of shit. At least the cat and dog would have better dialogue, and probably a better story line too. I want to beat Sam Raimi over the head with a fucking rake.
If I wrote the movie, here’s how it would have gone:
Spider-Man’s new enemy would have been a giant penis named Dr. Dick. He would be played by Fox Sports announcer Howie Long, because he looks like he’s the biggest dickhead in the world. I would have a cameo as Dr. Dick’s tailor. My only line would be “Needs more room in the crotch”.
Spider-Man’s other enemy would be Michael Moore. Michael Moore would mutate into a giant pussy. So he’d remain exactly the same. Dr. Dick and Michael Moore would battle it out. Spider-Man would remark “We’re fucked.” Then, Jesus would come down and smite his heathen ass.
Dr. Dick and Michael Moore would fall in love, and the end scene would be them walking out of the wedding chapel while Satan fucks Jesus in the ass and Steve Urkel films it so he can put Japanese subtitles on it for no apparent reason.
After the screen goes black, a gang of black dudes would go through the audience and dip everyone’s pockets. This is the second time during this movie that you will be robbed, the first was when Hollywood robbed you of $10 to buy the ticket.
Don’t see this god-awful movie. I’m serious. If you’re really that curious, wait until the movie is out on DVD, then download the torrent. If your ISP sends you an angry email for downloading it, deny you downloaded it and fight that shit tooth and nail. Not so you don’t get sued, but so your ISP doesn’t think you’re a huge fucking loser who actually watched this garbage.
Don’t spend even a penny on this pathetic piece of shit.