In my city, all the McDagos are raving about how great the new Rocky movie was.
At work, there’s this guy who gets these sweet good-quality bootleg DVDs of movies out in theaters. So I figured “Eh, I’ll get Rocky.” After all, the guy gives them to us for free. I went home, put the DVD on, and kicked back.
Right from the beginning, I knew the movie was going to be shit. There’s this douchey guy named Mason “The Line” Dixon who’s the World Boxing Champion wailing on some pussy who can’t fight back. He knocks the pussy out, and the crowd starts chucking ice at him. What a douche bag.
Skip to Rocky waking up, and going to his wife Adrian’s grave. The movie doesn’t say how she died, but I think she killed herself rather than be in another shitty sequel. Rocky 3 and 4 were the best ones, especially 4 with the big ass Russian guy, Ivan Drago. I still can’t believe Rocky won. I wanted to see the Russian wail on him.
Anyway, now Rocky owns a restaurant, named after Adrian. He goes to a bar, and the bar tender knows him. She was the foul mouthed little bitch in the first movie that he walked home. She’s about 30 now, and he’s over 60. He drives her home, and meets her son, the product of her and some Jamaican dude. I think they said that the father was Bob Marley, but I don’t remember. I was too busy laughing my ass off at how Rocky was spouting these slurred ass pickup lines. Rocky gives the girl a hostess job at his restaurant.
At the restaurant, Mason Dixon’s managers are trying to convince Rocky to fight Mason Dixon, after a computer-generated fight was made showing Rocky knocking the fuck out of Mason Dixon. They seduced Rocky in a matter of seconds.
Rocky’s pussy ass son doesn’t want him to fight at first, but he eventually agrees. We see a montage of Rocky training, doing the same old bullshit he used to do, like running up the art museum steps, drinking raw egg, and beating his meat.
We see Rocky at the fight, and Mason Dixon is pounding on him. Eventually, Rocky comes back, until the final round. The match ends, and Mason Dixon is the winner, but not by knockout. Everyone respects Rocky, blah blah blah. The end.
I didn’t like the ending, so I made up two of my own.
1. A crowd grabs Rocky, and takes him to the top of the Philadelphia Art Museum steps. A midget kicks him in the nuts, and lights him on fire. The crowd throws him down the steps, chanting “NEVER AGAIN!” over and over.
2. One of his enemies from the Rambo movies comes to the fight and kills him. That way we make sure there’s no sequel to either movie.
Man that would rule so hard.
Oh, and this article contains spoilers.