Running is fine, but the running community is full of fucking weirdos.
I have a love-hate relationship with cardio.
I know it’s good for me and I know it doesn’t actually kill gains (you just have to eat a bit more to compensate for it), and I like the feeling of accomplishment that comes after a completed cardio session. But for some reason, I always find myself disavowing cardio for various reasons, like injury or overexerting myself (both of which are my own fault).
Running and cycling are by far my two favorite cardio exercises. I can’t get enough of them, which is probably how I end up overexerting myself by doing things like doing a weightlifting session, then going for a 5 mile run, and following that up immediately with a 20 mile bike ride, and doing this three days in a row. I’ve gotten better at not doing this dumb shit, but sometimes I’ll still go against my better judgment and torture myself.
Anyway, I generally run around my neighborhood, but after a while that gets old and I want to run somewhere else. Obviously I’d just hop into my car and drive to wherever I want to run. Except, there’s just one small problem: My car keys are fucking huge.
I have an armband for my phone, and the armband can also hold a few keys. This works for my normal-sized house keys, but it doesn’t work for the giant key fob that my car uses. Putting the fob in my pocket causes the fob to bounce around uncomfortably, so that’s a no-go.
Because I’m a masochistic son of a bitch, and because I wanted a solution to this, I turned to good old Reddit for a solution.
After sifting through the thousands of hilariously le heckin original jokearinos about keistering the key fob, the other proposed solutions weren’t any better. Some suggested simply carrying the keys in your hand while you run. Others suggested tucking the fob into your socks. A few people even suggested not taking your car and instead running to the location where you plan to do your run. Brb running down I95 for 15 miles to do a 5 mile run. Fucking idiots.
Another common suggestion was a fanny pack. Should I keep my make-up and Astroglide in there too? Who’s really out there in 2025 rocking a fag bag when they go for a run? I ain’t wearing that shit, homie.
Apparently they make these things called “running belts”. Running belts are just thin pieces of elastic with pouches that allow you to store your essentials, and look only slightly less gay than a fanny pack. What’s up with runners trying to draw attention to themselves? I live in Philly, the last thing you want to do in Philly is draw attention to yourself. If people see me running around with a big pouch on my waist they’re going to rob my ass at gunpoint. Hell, I’d probably rob someone at gunpoint for wearing one of these stupid things.
Other brilliant suggestions included tucking the fob into your waistband, leaving your car unlocked, and hiding the key fob somewhere outside the car. Where the fuck do these people live that they can just leave their cars unlocked or hide the keys outside the car? Places like Toronto and the Bay Area must be crime-free paradises. No, seriously, look around Reddit and you’ll see that like 90% of them seem to live in Toronto or the Bay Area, it’s fucking weird.
If you’re wondering how I solved this problem, I ordered a “wrist wallet”, which is just a wristband with a zipper pocket. It’s still kind of fruity, but it’s better than a fanny pack or “running belt”.
I don’t consider myself a serious runner by any stretch. I’m not training for a marathon or anything, I’m just trying to get my heart rate up for a little while and help keep excess fat at bay. I don’t have any issue with people who take running seriously, you do you. But some of these people are just fucking weird.
At one point I was looking into doing longer runs. I’m talking 10+ miles. Running 5 or 6 miles in 45 minutes isn’t too strenuous, but after a certain point staying hydrated during your runs becomes a necessity. I wondered how runners did this, considering I never see anyone carrying water bottles while they’re running. So I looked it up.
According to the internet, my options were either buy a camel pack/water bladder, or hide water bottles along my route beforehand.
Um, what?
I’m not going to knock on anyone for proper hydration, and a camel pack doesn’t look any dorkier than the guys unknowingly killing their backs rucking around with weighted backpacks.
I am going to knock the fucking weirdos that are hiding water bottles on their route. Literally who does this shit? If I see someone picking up water bottles from the side of the trail and drinking from them, I’m just going to assume they’re on the same level as the crackheads walking around picking up cigarette butts. Do you want to be known as the mentally ill guy (or girl, we don’t discriminate here at AJnet) who drinks from water bottles on the ground? I sure as hell don’t. I don’t even see homeless people doing this.
And not only is this shit weird, it’s impractical as all hell. If I’m planning on running a 10 mile stretch, I’m not going to expend energy walking that stretch first to plant water bottles. At least, not before putting on my oversized red shoes, because anyone that actually plants water bottles on their running route is a clown.
Don’t get me wrong here, I have respect for the people who are out there running marathons, and I understand the intense amount of training that it takes to prepare for one. I’ll also admit that I’m shallow as hell, and I definitely care what other people think about me (as you should to some extent). I’ll probably never find myself doing a 10+ mile run, since I don’t take running that seriously, and only use cardio as an accessory to my weight training. I just can’t bring myself to wear fanny packs or camel packs, and I definitely can’t bring myself to hide water bottles on my running route. I guess sometimes you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do when it comes to training, but I’d rather not run the risk of looking like a degenerate drinking from water bottles that were on the ground, or even worse, having someone fuck with my water after I place it there.
You guys do you, but don’t be surprised when people think you’re a scuzzball for picking up water bottles up off the ground and drinking from them, and definitely don’t be surprised when people make fun of you for wearing a fanny pack. Why does it seem like every time I find a fun hobby the community is full of fucking weirdos with impractical solutions to common problems? I guess I’ve got to be the change I want to see in the running community.
But hey, at least runners are still better than those elitist dicks known as cyclists.
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