DEAR JUAN: A married guy tried to pick me up!

Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!

Everyone see Juan say “ey Juanito tu es muy guapo why you no have girlfriend”. Juan say it is because very busy work at Uncle Paco’s Tacos and T-Shirts. Uncle Paco say spring come soon and time for lunch truck too so Juan very busy make mucho dinero no have time for girlfriend now.

Juan go on date last month with woman on app Bumble. Woman tell Juan “hola señor I want to meet you por favor we get dinner see what happen”. Juan say yes that is fine we get taco at Uncle Paco’s Tacos and T-Shirts but woman say “no we go to gringo restaurant Maggiano’s it is in Cherry Hill I meet you there papí”. Juan like pasta but Juan no like drive Cherry Hill is in New Jersey but Juan say yes anyway because woman muy bonita. Juan think he go on date eat spaghetti and meatball. Instead Juan really get in fight with big crazy man.

Juan go to Maggiano’s see woman outside say “Hola Juan I reserve table we go in now por favor”. Juan go inside and sit at table drink wine with woman make funny joke have good time. Juan have very good time until big crazy man come in yell “ey punk what you do with my wife I fucking kill you cabrón”. Juan make joke say “uh oh someone is in trouble now hahaha” but woman no laugh look muy asustada instead. Juan no sure why woman no laugh but find out is because big crazy man husband. Man say use GPS on phone find wife tell lie say she is at work late but really cheating on man. what in the hell woman no tell Juan she is married why she do this? Juan try tell big crazy man but big crazy man no listen and punch Juan instead. Man beat up Juan hit with breadstick and woman scream at man “no hurt him por favor!”. Waitress break up fight call policía and policía say no arrest but everyone no come back to Maggiano’s that is fine Juan no come back anyway. Woman send Juan message later say sorry no tell Juan she is married. Juan at bodega drink mucho Corona give phone to Mi Hermano Rico and Frosty say “have fun amigos”. Juan no see what Mi Hermano Rico and Frosty say but Juan wake up next morning see email from Bumble say “you are banned”.

Today Juan answer question from senorita who meet man on dating app who cheat on wife.

Dear Juan,

Recently I met a guy on a dating app. He was really sweet, and we hit it off. We went on a few dates together and had a great time. But when I asked him to add me on Instagram he got really weird about it. I did a little digging and discovered that he’s married! I broke things off with him immediately, but as someone who’s been cheated on before I want to teach this dirty liar a lesson! I’m going to send his wife screenshots of our convos eventually, but I want to have some fun first and make this asshole’s life a living hell. Got any suggestions?

Cammie

Yes Señora Cammie Juan have many suggestion get revenge on dirty married man lie to you. You want to make hell is very easy and Juan tell you how to do it right now.

First you must go to store buy underwear for teenage girl. You buy underwear 13 year old girl wear is okay you do this because you are woman gringo at store think you buy for daughter. Juan see man buy 13 year old girl underwear Juan call policía say “Hello policía I see strange gringo man buy teenage girl underwear he is pedofílo you come arrest por favor” then gringo hero Chris Hansen come and tell man “Have seat right there señor”.

You buy underwear then you must write letter for man. But no write letter from you. You must write letter from teenage girl, Señora Cammie. You write man dirty letter say is from teenage girl at high school. Juan no write letter for you but you say “Ay papí thank you for necklace is very cute I wear for you next time we have sex papí I wear school uniform too I send you special gift papí is underwear from first time we have sex”. Go to post office next to school and mail letter to man with underwear.

Then you must wait. Juan say wait is very hard part but that is fine because you get revenge on dirty married man. Good thing come to you when you wait, Señora Cammie. Good thing take time. You think director make good movie in one day? You are director now Señora Cammie, you make good movie then you must wait.

Juan say wait one month then write second letter to man from young girl. This time you must send picture of girl too. You go on Instagram find picture girl you no know. You need picture Juan have picture gringo send Juan in October daughter 13 year old in dirty Halloween costume Juan send you picture you use (Don’t you fucking dare, Juan. ~Ed.). You send man letter with picture wait one week.

Now you must do one last thing. You must make Instagram account say you are la madre of teenage girl. You find married man wife send message say “ey puta tu marido have sex with mi hija she tell me this I have dirty text message on phone too I show you now you see tu marido es un pedofílo desagradable I call policía”. You send wife picture of text message husband send you on dating app. Wife say “yes I see husband get package too with underwear and letter you are right you call policía I divorce dirty lying man now”. Wife show man message say “ey mentiroso you cheat on me I see dirty underwear package and letter and now la madre de la niña show me dirty text message you send too we are done I get divorce now stupid cheating idiot pedofílo”. Man say what you mean let me see message and see message he send you. Man message you again say “what in the hell why you tell wife I have sex with little girl perra loca”. That is when you tell man “Why you tell lie say you no married stupid idiot man you no fuck with me cabrón now have fun clean up big mess here I help you” and send picture of poop.

You do crazy revenge is very funny joke but is also mucho trabajo take a lot of time too. Uncle Paco tell Juan time is money no waste time so Juan think is best only tell wife about dirty cheater husband no play big revenge joke on man.

Best of luck to you amiga.

Do you have a problem and need Juan’s advice? Leave a comment below or send Juan an email at [email protected] and your question may be answered in a future Dear Juan article!

Señor Juan

Señor Juan is AJnet Magazine’s resident advice columnist and a staff member since 2008. His advice is blunt and straightforward, usually preceded by a long, crazy story that may or may not be relevant. Despite this, his success rate is higher than it should be.

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