This month from the AJnet Archives: A deleted article about a planned Back to the Future remake!
If someone were to ask me to name my top five favorite movies of all time, I’m not really sure what movies I’d list. And even if I did manage to figure out what my top five favorite movies actually were, there’s no way in hell I’d be able to put them in any kind of meaningful order.
But with that said, I’m almost certain that one of those movies would be Back to the Future. In this case I’d probably count the entire trilogy as one movie, since they all tell one giant story and you can’t just watch one without watching the others.
At some point in 2011 there was talk of remaking Back to the Future. The article I got this from was from a site called Examiner.com (not the Examiner, as far as I know), but it appears they’ve since pulled the story. The gist of it was that they were planning to remake the classic film with Justin Bieber as the lead. Considering the source, it’s likely that the article was either complete bullshit or speculation based on some comment some asshole somewhere made. But that didn’t matter to me, because I was the king of knee-jerk reactions to trivial things.
My first reaction was to rant about this perceived assault on one of my favorite movies.
But then I had another idea: What if I used this article to start a rumor?
The result was a scathing rant in the form of an outlandish assortment of ridiculous casting choices and needless plot changes. I decided that, if Hollywood was going to fuck with Back to the Future, I was going to fuck with Hollywood by starting rumors about their planned remake. Casting choices like John Cena as Biff Tannen, Miranda Cosgrove as Jennifer Parker, Bruce Willis as Principal Strickland, and my personal favorite, Nick Nolte as Doc Brown. Plot changes like having Bieber’s Marty McFly sing an original pop song instead of “Johnny B. Goode”, or removing key elements of the original plot because they might be considered offensive to modern audiences. I even included a bit about comedian George Lopez having a credited cameo as a random Taco Bell employee with two lines. I tried to go as off the rails as I could while staying grounded enough that people would actually believe it.
Sadly, my rumor never gained any traction, but the people who read it liked it, and most people figured out that I was really just trying to make a point that Back to the Future shouldn’t be remade.
I really don’t remember when I published this article originally, I just know it was some time in 2011 because it was in a folder with other 2011 articles. I’m also not sure why I pulled it, it seems really tame compared to most of my early stuff.
This is “Leaked Details About the Upcoming Back to the Future Remake”, originally published at some point in 2011.
Because Hollywood has a death wish, they’ve decided that it’s a good idea to remake “Back to the Future”, with Justin Bieber being eyed for the role of Marty McFly.
Thanks to a source inside Hollywood who reads this site and wishes to remain anonymous, I was able to obtain some inside information about this upcoming justification for a contract on the director’s life- er, I mean god-awful remake.
CAST
Aside from Justin Bieber as Marty McFly, we have the following “all-star” cast:
- John Cena as Biff Tannen
- Nick Nolte as Dr. Emmett Brown
- Miranda Cosgrove as Jennifer Parker
- Seth Rogan as Adult George McFly
- Michael Cera as Young George McFly
- Caroline Rhea as Adult Lorraine Baines-McFly
- Jennette McCurdy as Young Lorraine Baines-McFly
- Bruce Willis as Principal Strickland
Seriously, this shit sickens me.
PLOT CHANGES
Not being content with just casting shitty actors and actresses, the fucktarded producers decided to also change (butcher) several elements:
-Marty is now from our time, and ends up going back to the 80’s. Already fucking done by Family Guy, and Hot Tub Time Machine.
-Marty sings some bullshit made-specifically-for-the-movie Justin Beiber song at his parents’ high school dance. Did Marty play Huey Lewis and the News’s “Back in Time” in the original? No, he didn’t, and this change is completely un-fucking-necessary, as is this entire remake. At least we (READ: you faggots who will actually see this piece of shit) won’t have to see Johnny B. Goode get hacked to bits.
-The predicament with Marty’s mom falling in love with him has been completely removed, most likely because the references to incest would probably garner at least a PG-13 rating from today’s Moaning Pussy Association of America.
-George Lopez makes a credited cameo appearance as a Taco Bell employee with two lines: “Hey there Marty! What can I get for you?” and “Sure thing hombre. That’ll be $5.15!” For fuck’s sake, why?
-The time machine is still a DeLorean. However, the speed it must reach is no longer 88 MPH, thanks to the Neo-Nazis equating the number 88 with “Heil Hitler”. The new number is 100 MPH. Well done, you stupid faggots. Der Führer would be proud. Proud to personally throw your dumb asses into the gas chambers.
-Instead of Doc Brown swiping plutonium from Libyan terrorists, he swipes it from some militia types who want to make a dirty bomb. You know, because everyone who supports the 2nd Amendment is a frothing-at-the-mouth lunatic bent on murdering innocent people.
This is set to be the worst remake- no, I’m sorry, the new term is REBOOT- Hollywood has ever done. Future generations are now going to remember Back to the Future as that godawful piece of shit movie with that gay teen pop singer. Good fucking job you assholes. I hope you and anyone who pays to see this movie die and burn in hell for all eternity. I intend to pirate many copies of this shit and spread it around to everyone I know so the studio loses out on more money. It costs me about $2 a DVD give or take, and each copy of the movie costs the studio at least $6 per person who watches it. “Hey sis, bring the kids over and we’ll watch this copy of that new Back to the Future remake! All 15 of us!” BAM, I just cost the studio $90.
Fuck you Hollywood. Fuck you in the showers with Bubba’s gigantic black horsecock.
Originally the article contained pictures comparing the original characters with their new actors, giving you the full effect of the casting choices. Unfortunately, in light of our recent battle with Copytrack and their partner Wenn Rights International, whose entire business model seems to be buying the rights to celebrity images then using Copytrack to find people and extort them, I’ve decided to remove them for now. You’ll just have to use Google on this one.
Obviously the Back to the Future remake with Bieber never came to fruition, though from time to time the rumor still rears its ugly head (I think the latest rumor has Tom Holland as Marty?). Thankfully, both Bob Gale and Robert Zemeckis have both said that no reboot of the beloved franchise will be allowed to take place so long as they’re alive. Thanks for having class, guys.
This article would end up inspiring me to start writing a follow-up article, a script for a Back to the Future remake that was a Mafia movie instead. The whole thing was based off of a conversation I had with a coworker. I had Joe Pesci as Marty McFly, Robert DiNiro as the Doc, James Woods as Biff “Tannenini”, and Danny DeVito as George McFly. I never finished the article though.
Hmm, you know what, I think that’ll be next month’s AJnet Archives article. Stay tuned.
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