AngryJerk.net- 10 Great Ways To Fuck With A Grocery Store

10 GREAT WAYS TO FUCK WITH A GROCERY STORE

Had a bad experience at the local supermarket, and want to do more than send an angry letter that will probably be laughed at by most of management? Maybe you're an activist looking for an effective way to wage guerilla warfare against the evil corporations? Are you just a bored troublemaker looking for new ways to fuck with people? Here are some great ways to not only fuck with a store that sells food, but to incur a cost on them in the process.

1. Open things. Slightly unscrew soda caps, open box tops, put tears in bags. Do it just enough so it's not obvious to everyone in the general vicinity that you've tampered with something, but enough that a customer interested in the item will notice it and be dissuaded. The store will have to mark them off as losses. Even if they return it to the company they got it from, they won't get any kind of full refund, just some credit towards a replacement.

2. Poke holes in liquid containers. It's as easy as putting a pushpin thumbtack in your hand and picking up the milk jugs. That way when they analyze the security cameras to see who poked holes in everything, all they'll see is you picking up and inspecting the items. At the very least, you're costing them a couple of bucks with each gallon of milk you poke. At the best, you're opening them up to a lawsuit if they don't catch the slow-leaking hole and someone drinks the spoiled milk and gets sick from it.

3. Place absurdly large orders at the deli, then abandon them somewhere where they won't be found. Be sure to place them somewhere where they won't be found easily, and not refrigerated. What will happen is some minimum wage "associate" will come across them a couple of hours later, and have to write their values off as waste. Also, some stores have a pre-sliced section, where the items on sale that week are already cut and packaged so people don't have to wait in line. This is both a pro and a con. On one hand, you won't have to interact with someone who might suspect you're up to something, but on the other hand the sale items are less likely to be costly enough to do much damage.

Alternatively, you can just give the clerk the order, then tell them you'll be back for it after you go grab a few other things in the store. Deli clerks hate having to cut two things at a time, bring them to you, then have you tell them two more items. They'll be grateful to have someone give them a list so they can just pop out all the items without having to stop. When you don't come back in an hour, they'll either have to write off the value of the already sliced order, or put them in with the discounted meat/cheese ends, which will still cause them to take a hit. Some stores also have a Dexter Deli machine, which allows you to put your order into a computer and come pick it up later. This is great, because now you won't have to worry about some employee who takes their job too seriously remembering your face and pointing you out the next time you come in.

For your convenience, here's a quick guide to some deli items that are usually pretty expensive:

-Imported Swiss cheese. Finlandia is commonly the most expensive brand most grocery stores carry.

-Corned beef brisket. Make sure you choose the brisket and not the round, since the round is generally cheaper.

-Pastrami

-Roast beef

-New Yorker American cheese

-Prosciutto. Imported is usually more expensive, but domestic is pretty expensive as well. The place I work at carries the imported prosciutto at $14.99 a pound. Be wary about ordering a pound of this stuff though, since you might draw unwanted attention if you don't look like the kind of person who would order it.

A good thing to remember is that anything with the word "imported" in it will be more expensive. Just look at the prices and use your own discretion.

4. Hide refrigerated and frozen items in various places across the store. Going back to the first paragraph of #3, this is a very good way to inflict needless waste on a grocery store. Your best bet is to do this with easily-perishable items, like meat and dairy products. Chicken is the best meat to do this with, since raw chicken always smells bad to most people, even when it's still good. You can also do this with ice cream, but you'll have to rely on the container leaking, or the dim-witted associate might simply put it back in the freezer so it can freeze again.

As always, use your judgment. It will be easier to hide a yogurt than it will to hide a gallon of milk. Not that it can't be done.

The best thing about this method is that in the event some overly-haughty faggot employee sees you doing this and questions you about it, you can just tell them you received an urgent call or text message and you didn't have time to put the item back. It's not like you'll be detained by security for not putting an item back where it belongs.

5. Bruise the produce. Would you buy a kiwi fruit with a soft squishy spot? Me neither. Put soft squishy spots on anything you can. All it usually takes is a little bit of pressure applied to the item, and you've cost the store money. Experiment with various fruits and vegetables until you find the ones that bruise the easiest.

6. Put large dents in boxes and canned goods. Dented boxes and cans look ugly, so not many people will readily buy them unless there's no more of the same item on the shelf and they really want the item. This doesn't happen often, since the bored stock people will often refill the shelf before it can be completely depleted, and many of them are too lazy to rotate stock. The dented items will just keep getting pushed to the back until they're outdated and written off as waste.

7. Stain things. As with dented items, people are less likely to buy an item if it has an unexplainable stain on it. Beef blood works best in this case, since it leaves a highly recognizable stain. This method works the best in a Super Walmart, where they also sell clothing that you can stain with food. PROTIP: Coffee and ketchup are almost impossible to get out of white clothing items.

8. Squash bread items. Have you ever noticed that the bag boys usually place bread items in a separate bag? That's because it squashes very easily, and nobody likes smashed up bread. Lean on several bags of bread at a time with sufficient pressure, and you've effectively rendered them worthless. Clumsy you.

9. Raw chicken is your best friend. Raw chicken is the worst cross-contaminant. Put it on anything and everything, especially produce. If the store is following code, they'll have to discard the produce, and possibly even the chicken. If not, well, you'll just have to go ahead and report them, won't you?

10. The hot bar. Many grocery stores have a self-serve hot foods bar, where you can fill a container with hot food and take it to the cashier, who will charge you for it depending on the weight. I have yet to encounter a place that makes you pay as soon as you're done spooning it out to yourself, so just walk around for a few moments before casually discarding it behind some boxes of Fruit Loops.

A warning about security. Most stores employ plain-clothes security officers who will look like your every-day customer. If you're serious about doing this kind of stuff, do reconnaissance. Hang out at the store for an hour or so every day for a week and look at people. If you see the same person on an almost daily basis walking around without any items, chances are they're security. But unless you're making what you're doing obvious, nobody's going to pay any mind to you. It's probably best not to do this stuff on a daily basis, since eventually the employees WILL remember you, and security will eventually look at the security camera footage and identify you from it.

You can even make it more fun and keep score of how much money you're costing the store on each trip. Challenge yourself each time to beat your previous score. Get your friends in on the fun and compete to see who can rack up the most waste.

This is what happens when you fuck AJ over. You could have just given me the French onion dip at the advertised price, Walmart. But nooooooooooooo. You insisted on making me pay that extra dollar. I hope that extra dollar was worth the huge amounts of waste you're going to incur when other angry consumers read this article and get ideas from it.

Have a success story? Share it with me, and maybe I'll post it.