THINGS I COULD HAVE DONE WITH MY TIME INSTEAD OF WATCHING "THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT"

 

 

Today I watched "The Last House on the Left" with some friends. The movie was just under 2 hours long. Here is a list of some more useful things I could have done with that time instead of watching this movie.

Instead of watching "The Last House on the Left", I could have...

 

1. Jerked off. More than once.

2. Worked on my awesome briefcase computer project.

3. Jumped on the bus and went to Taco Bell.

4. Went to the mall and bought more shirts I didn't need. I'm like a fucking woman when it comes to clothes. Seriously, open up my closet and you'll find like 25 shirts. It's ridiculous.

5. Drawn up plans to counter the pending Chinese red dawn.

6. Downloaded more pictures of Tarja Turunen.

7. Drawn a shitty half-assed comic book of Tarja Turunen meeting up with Amy Lee from Evanescence and having a threeway with me.

8. Played a couple of rounds of Civilization II.

9. Drank half a bottle of Captain Morgan.

10. Wrote lyrics for my friend's punk band.

11. Downloaded 216 different movies that were better than this one.

12. ANYTHING BUT WATCH THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

 

Jesus Christ, this movie fucking sucked. You know how sometimes when you take a shit, you wipe and wipe and wipe, and no matter how many times you wipe your ass won't come clean, even after you've used like half a roll of toilet paper? Yeah, well this movie sucked worse than that.

The Angry Video Game Nerd reviewed a horrible Sega Genesis game called "Shaq-Fu". This game is so awful that there is actually a website dedicated to finding and destroying every copy of it. While I can't say that I remember playing this game, I can say that instead of attempting to locate and destroy all copies of this game, the people who run the site should be attempting to locate and destroy all copies of "The Last House on the Left". The money people have spent on this shitty fucking movie could have gone to finding a cure for cancer or colonizing space.

Throughout the entire movie, I was yelling at the stupid fucking choices the characters made, especially the father of the girl. "HURR DURR MY DAUGHTER'S DYING AND THE PEOPLE WHO HURT HER ARE SLEEPING IN MY HOUSE. I'M GOING TO LEAVE MY WIFE AND DAUGHTER ALL ALONE WHILE I GO DINK AROUND IN THE SHED FOR WEAPONS SO I CAN TAKE REVENGE!" Way to protect your family, fucknuts. And the part where the mother is in the kitchen with the knife behind her back while trying to prevent the bad guy from realizing that she's the girl's mother? I know, let's wait until the guy discovers that he failed to kill my daughter who is lying in the next room helplessly before I attempt to do anything about him! It's not like I could have shanked him with the knife the moment he came into the kitchen. Stupid fucking cunt.

I was however able to relate to one of the characters, the girl:

 

The needless rape scene was analogous to the time I spent watching this pile of shit. "C'mon AJ, don't leave! Watch this movie with us!" "But it sucks..." "Stay AJ! Watch the movie!" "I really don't want to though..." "Come on AJ!" After the movie was over, I spent a good half hour trying to figure out what just happened and to reconcile with myself for letting my eyes be penetrated. I tried to convince myself that I was actually sleeping during the time the movie was on, but my dumb ass friend wouldn't go along with it, and now I need trauma therapy to attempt to recover from the traumatic experience that was "The Last House on the Left".