How To Win An Argument

Note: This article was written by Team Zack!, an online chum of mine. He has given me permission to publish this. All content is uneditted, save for adding boldface to some parts. It remains his intellectual property.

 

At one time or another, we've all been engaged in an argument. We all have different ways of handling them, like maybe you think "This isn't worth it" and just give up. But let me tell you something: it is worth it. Every argument you lose is another chunk of your dignity gone. And dignity is not something you can easily reclaim. Trust me on that one. But anyway, for your benefit, I've compiled a few helpful tips for winning arguments.

1) Always make sure you are looking down at your opponent.

This one is pretty straight-forward. If your opponent is sitting down, you should be standing. It makes them feel smaller and more insecure. If the person you are arguing with is not sitting down, maybe you should climb on top of a nearby desk. They'll think your about to body slam them or something, and then they'll be a lot more willing to see your side of the debate. Also, if you're arguing with someone really important (say, the cops), then nothing gets your point across like hurling rocks at them from the top of a watertower or skyscraper.

2) Make lots of loud noises.

Slam your fists on a table, scream a lot, or just hum really loudly while the other person talks. It really doesn't make much difference, as long as you can't hear what they're trying to say. If they try to talk over you, slap two books together a couple inches from their face. That'll shut 'em up.

3) Don't be afraid to move around a lot.

Flailing hands, unpredictable movements, and vaguely threatening gestures are all your friends. Start off by shaking your index finger in your opponent's face. Then gradually work your way up to running in circles, pretending like you're about to back-hand the other person, and finally, throwing things. You don't have to always make he/she think that you are going to harm them. Sometimes, you can just cut yourself while screaming "You made me do this!"

4) Be prepared to defend your viewpoint... using threats and personal insults.

They think you should have pizza for dinner. You think they should lay off the booze. They don't see what that has to do with anything. You don't see why they want to eat pizza with all the weight they've been putting on lately. They want to know why you can't just suggest something else if you don't want pizza. If they don't shut their goddamn mouth, you'll shut it for them. Bam! Problem solved.

 

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