FUCK YOU AND YOUR CHEESE, BITCH

 

It's 1 AM, and I can't sleep.

As I write this, I'm actually stewing with legitimate anger. Not "Oh I'll vent about it on the internet and forget about it in a few hours" anger. More like "I'm getting even more pissed off because I keep hitting the wrong keys as I type this shit" anger. Real fucking anger. Anger that has forced me to take Nyquil so I don't lose too much sleep over it.

I'm actually writing this at a moderate personal risk, since if my work somehow found it, I could lose my job. Or if they couldn't fire me for it, they'd see to it that the store's clique made it unbearable for me to work there. How hard would it be to goad the guy renowned in the neighborhood for his volatility into getting pissed off to the point where he says or does something that costs him his job? But y'know, I just don't make enough money to really care too much.

Tonight at work, one of my dumbfuck coworkers cut her finger on the meat slicer, and had to leave early to go to the hospital. We normally close our department at 10, but since this girl happened to be the last person to leave, we were forced to close at 9:30.

Cheese slicers are a pain in the ass to clean, so we usually stop slicing cheese a half hour before closing time. For most customers, this isn't a huge deal, since we have a case full of meats and cheeses that we pre-sliced. We tell them as soon as they come to the counter that we are no longer cutting cheese products. Once in a while, we'll get the person who whines a bit or begs, but usually they'll realize the futility of this and politely give up.

But not this time.

I was supposed to break the cheese slicer down at 9 PM tonight. Unfortunately, a small surge in customers forced me to keep it open 10 minutes later, until 9:10. My shift ended at 10, and I still had multiple things to do aside from the slicer. Still, this wasn't a huge inconvenience to me, since I'm moderately fast at my job. I would bang the cheese slicer out in 15 minutes and do what I needed to do.

Meanwhile, my two coworkers are still waiting on customers, since we don't close the final meat slicer down until closing time. 9:25 rolls around, and I've just finished my cheese slicer. As I'm preparing to reassemble my slicer, I hear a customer asking for half a pound of Clearfield cheese. My coworker explains to her why we're closing early, and how we normally close the cheese slicer down half an hour before closing time. The lady gets annoyed, and starts grilling us as to why we would close the cheese slicer down, despite having this explained to her. Resisting the urge to tell her to stop being a fucking cunt, I politely explain that it takes longer to clean cheese slicers than meat slicers, and this is why we close them earlier. My coworker tells the lady that there is pre-sliced cheese, although it's not Clearfield.

"My kids won't eat anything but Clearfield."

Hold it right the fuck there. Your kids will refuse to eat cheese if it isn't a certain brand? If those were my kids, they'd either eat whatever cheese I gave them or fucking starve to death. Well, not starve, but they'd go without cheese. If they threw a tantrum over what brand of cheese they had to eat, they wouldn't be able to sit for a week from the ass-whooping I'd give them. Seriously, your kids are a bunch of ungrateful little shits, and I can already see what they're going to grow up to be like.

I could taste blood as I bit my tongue to suppress myself from actually saying the previous paragraph to her face. "I'm really sorry m'am."

"Well I'm going to go to the manager then."

Really? Really? You're going to go out of your way to complain to the manager over this shit? I hope you get hit by a fucking bus on the way home you goddamn bitch.

I continued reassembling my slicer, and sure enough, the night shift store manager called down to our department and insisted to my coworker that we cut this lady's cheese. Annoyed to high hell, I open a clean slicer to cut this bitch her cheese. "Now you HAVE to cut it," I hear Queen Cunt say. My eardrums are throbbing from my elevated blood pressure, but I push on, since this shit isn't worth losing my job over.

I go to cut her cheese, only to find that it's fucking shredding. Then I remember. The dumbfucks who work at the warehouse decided it was a good idea to freeze the cheese to increase its shelf-life until they could send it out. Now how the fuck am I going to explain this to Queen Cunt? I do my best to explain it to her, only to be met with "Well I don't know what to tell you, I have kids to feed. Open a new one."

Thankfully, the new one cut slightly better. The Queen of All Cunts got her cheese, and hopefully hit by a bus before she made it home that night. Handing her the cheese, I smiled and said "Have a nice day!"

Now, I can't blame the manager for doing this. I'm sure he was kind of annoyed with this bitch too. For fuck's sake, even the other customer in line was getting annoyed. If other customers are openly criticizing you for being an unreasonable bitch, then that's a sign that you need to at the very least re-evaluate your behavior. Nobody wanted to hear her bitch, and the manager was no exception. The manager could have stood his ground (or rather our ground) and lost one customer who we're probably better off not having, but he put the customer first, which isn't really a bad thing in the long run. However, there's no way in hell he could have expected us to not be pissed off at the fact that we now had to clean another slicer while already running behind schedule.

Like any pissed off person would do, I complained to my coworkers about this, and made the off-handed remark most people would make, "Next time he can come clean the slicer." I know that my coworkers are for the most part untrustworthy weasels who will rat someone out at the drop of a hat, but I didn't really care if the manager knew I said this, since I'm sure he expected me to say it.

I go into the back room to finish my shit, when the manager comes flying around the corner, visibly angered.

"DID YOU SAY I COULD COME CLEAN THE SLICER NEXT TIME?"

Fuck, was there even a point to ratting me out for that one? Still, me and this manager already didn't get along, and I'm sure this could be escalated to the point of a fist-fight with this grandiose prick who suffers from a horrible case of Unwarranted Self-Importance, a fight which would end with assault and battery charges against me and him somehow still keeping his job. Not worth it. I mean, the comment wasn't even meant to be taken seriously.

"What? No, who told you that?"

"DID YOU SAY IT?!"

Jesus Christ dude, are you deaf or just fucking stupid?

"No, why would I say that?"

"You better not have said it!"

At that point, I wanted to reply with "What if I did?" Really, what if I did? The camera is right there dude, feel free to throw the first punch. Seriously, how fucking childish. This guy's like 30-something and has to make at least $50,000 a year with benefits and a pension when he retires, and he's flipping shit over a stupid off-handed remark while saying shit like "You better not have said it!". Fuck off, you petty unprofessional faggot.

What goes through the minds of people like the cunt and the faggot manager when they behave like this? Do they realize even for a second just how stupid they're acting, or are they completely oblivious? I don't know what they're thinking, but I do know that they can go fuck themselves.

Dickers.