PEOPLE IN PHILADELPHIA ARE FUCKING DEAF

 

I was bored/drunk tonight so my friends and I decided to dial random numbers and say random shit. At first it was kind of fun, but then I got über pissed off, because almost every single person I called was fucking deaf.

Seriously, here I was with awesome opening lines like "You should have killed me when you had the chance," "For your sake, I hope we don't meet again", "Is this the Krusty Krab?", and "Hey yo, I just shat Don King out of my ass", and most of the people I called kept responding with "HELLO? HELLO? WHAT? HELLO?" I called about 50 different working numbers with these lines, and of those 50, 40 of them were completely unable to hear me.

Now I'm not too drunk, so I questioned if my speaker phone feature was just crappy. I called someone I knew, and they heard me crystal clear. So no, it WASN'T my fault. The majority of people I was calling were fucking deaf. These stupid cocks were cramping my style, making me waste my amazing creativity. This would not do.

I'm not one to think the worst of everyone (actually I am), so I first gave these people the benefit of the doubt. Philadelphia is a boring place, what with the monotonous shootings, the shitty football team that almost makes it every year, the fair-weather baseball fans that poured out of the woodwork like termites as soon as the Phillies started not sucking shit. Maybe the monotony had made these people sleepy. It was time to wake them up.

First, I had my friend Tom call and scream "WOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" into the phone at the top of his lungs. There was a moment of silence, followed by "Hello?" Getting angry...

The next call, I took the helm, screaming "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" at the top of my lungs, to the point where my friend's sister upstairs yelled for me to shut up. Again, I was met with "What? Hello?" Starting to feel my control slip...

Next was "Is this the Krusty Krab?" in plain fucking English. For the third time in a row, I was met with repeated replies of "Hello?" DSFJHTESV HV TET HTQQJT BTWRYN QJQNRYEJ:RYENJ:QRYNE J: MOTHERFUCKER ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME. I hung up before I lost it on the person.

I passed the phone off to Tom again, since if I was holding the phone the next time some stupid son of a bitch didn't hear me, the phone would be hurled into a wall and I'd have to go back to using my old Nokia 6126. Tom opened up with "Hey yo it's Rocky. Is Paulie around?" "Hello?" Tom repeated his query. "What?" Ever patient, Tom yet again repeated his opening question. 3 second pause. "Who is this?" "It's Rocky. I'm lookin' for Paulie!" "What?" I was fucking furious. I grabbed the phone and started screaming into it like a fucking lunatic:

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ARE YOU PEOPLE FUCKING DEAF OR JUST FUCKING RETARDED EVERY ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS I CALL JUST REPLY WITH 'HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? WHAT? WHAT? WHO IS THIS? HELLO?' IT'S DUMB ASS MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE YOU WHO TAKE THE FUN OUT OF MAKING PRANK CALLS BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL THE SAME A BUNCH OF DEAF FUCKING IDIOTS WHO CAN'T UNDERSTAND FUCKING ENGLISH I HATE YOU ALL AND I HOPE YOU ALL FUCKING DIE"

...

"What?"

I hung up the phone, slammed it onto the table, and went and fixed myself a ginger ale and 100 proof vodka. I sat there, thinking. Just thinking... I imagined myself constructing a device capable of sending a signal to an alien planet. I began crafting an imaginary declaration of war to the alien race on behalf of the entire Earth. I smiled at the image of a bunch of ships coming down like in Independence Day and blowing up the entire planet in one clean maneuver.

You people fucking suck. Seriously, I fucking hate you all. All I want to do is make the world a more interesting place by calling strangers and saying strange things, and you're all too fucking stupid to appreciate it. Even when I pretend to get a wrong number, you dumb ass motherfuckers insult me and curse me out. Seriously, I called this one Puerto Rican bitch and said with a lisp "Hi, it's Brandon. Is Danny around?", and after saying "What?" two or three times finally realized that she understood English and yelled "You got a wrong number motherfucker, don't be callin' this phone again!" Another time I tried the same thing on a different number, and the prick just hung up on me without so much as a "Wrong number". Then there was the time I called someone and said "Hi, is this Don King?" They said "No", so I replied "Don Queen?" "No." "Rodney King?" No." Seriously? That's all you dickholes can reply with? "No"? You stupid fucking assholes are sucking the fun out of a great American pastime, and it's really pissing me the fuck off. I even bet my friend that he could play an entire song into the phone from his MP3 player, and these people wouldn't hear it. So he played "One-Winged Angel" from Final Fantasy 7, and throughout the 2 minutes I was able to remain patient, the person on the other end kept saying "Hello?" like some deaf fucking idiot. It was like "One-Winged Angel: Deaf Asshole Remix". DUN DUN DUN DUN, DUN DUN DUN DUN "Hello? Hello? Hello?" DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN "Hello?"

"HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? WHAT? WHAT? HELLO? WHO IS THIS? WHAT?"

I HOPE YOU CHOKE YOU USELESS BAGS OF FUCK

 

My heart is racing and I can hear a thumping noise inside my ears. This probably isn't good.