AngryJerk.net- Criminal Minds: A Reascent

CRIMINAL MINDS: A REASCENT

As you may recall, I stated a while back that the television show "Criminal Minds" started to suck balls after its best actor Mandy Patinkin left and was replaced by Joe Mantegna, whose character was castrated. CBS read my article and decided I was right, so they did several things to improve the show:

-That fat ass computer bitch Garcia has gotten significantly less screen time.

-Rossi is no longer a bureaucratic fuck who gets on everyone's ass about protocol. In fact, he tried to use Mafia connections to catch an unsub.

-Agent Hotchner made a nobel attempt to reclaim his manhood by literally beating an unsub to death with his bare hands.

-Agent Prentiss got rid of the ugly new hair style she was sporting in Season 4 and returned to the hot one we all know and fap to.

-The producers trolled everyone who likes this new vampire fad bullshit by having one episode revolve around a Marilyn Manson wannabe whose manager was using a paranoid schizophrenic fangirl to kill people and frame the singer in an attempt to boost his sales. The way the fantards were depicted, they might as well have just come out and said "Twilight fans are retards".

-In one episode, Reid gets poisoned with anthrax and fucking lives, reminding us why he's a badass.

Here's a reenactment of one of the most recent episodes, where Agent Hotchner's wife is targeted by a serial killer.

Alright team. Agent Hotchner's wife has been threatened by some guy calling himself the Boston Reaper.

Aw hell no! Nobody's gonna threaten my piece of ass like that!

Please guys, not now. My wife's life is at stake.

And when we save her, her ass is going to be impaled by my stake.

Aw snap!

Goddamn Reid, don't be so brutal. We need his whiny ass in one piece so we can find this faggot and save our gangbang whore.

Sir, if the Reaper kills Hotch's wife-

STFU bitch. I don't even know how the fuck you managed to be accepted into the FBI Academy let alone graduate.

But sir-

I said shut your whore mouth Agent Jareau. Nobody likes you because you give lousy head and you gave Morgan the clap. Everyone meet me in the garage in 10. Prentiss, wear your schoolgirl outfit with no panties.

Yes sir. And no pigtails this time.

Damn straight. I'm not a fucking pedophile.

So after assembling their fleet of black SUVs, the team heads to the house of Haley Hotchner's assigned US Marshal, where they find him dead, and his gun and phone missing.

Daaaaaaaaamn Hotch. Looks like your bitch was on the rag!

LOL.

My wife wasn't even here asshole. It's the blood of the US Marshal.

But those are your wife's panties on the couch. I'd recognize them anywhere.

...

He's right Hotch. They even have her name written on them. "Property of Haley Hotchner". See?

Wait a minute guys, this doesn't make sense. The Reaper is supposed to be some guy doped up on pain killers. How did he manage to kill a US Marshal armed with a .40 caliber Glock using only a knife?

Hmm, good point. That would take discipline and skill on par with a ninja.

It doesn't matter. What matters is- *phone rings* Who the fuck is this?

I've got your wife and your son, faggot.

The Reaper! Don't hurt them, please.

Agent Hotchner, don't you ever learn? I'm going to kill them, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. You can't trace this call, because the US Marshals have made the signal bounce all over the place. You're 20 miles away, and I have a gun. They're fucking dead. *click*

FUUUUUUUUUCK. I've gotta get to my wife's house.

Hotch, that didn't sound like the Reaper. Actually, it sounded more like-

SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ASSHOLES.

Agent Hotchner leaves for his wife's house. On the way, he receives another phone call from the Reaper.

Your wife bought herself some time by giving me head, but now I'm going to kill her.

Wait a second, can I please talk to her one last time?

She's got her mouth full right now, but I'll let you talk to your son.

Hi daddy! Mommy's kissing her boyfriend's private parts right now and he says he's going to shoot.

Jack, listen to dad. I need you to go work the case, alright?

Okay! Bye bye daddy!

Okay slut, say good night. *BANG*

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU BASTARD! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!

Whatever faggot. Come get me then.

Agent Hotchner arrives at his wife's house, ready to kill the Reaper. As he bursts through the front door with his gun drawn, he observes the scene. His wife's dead corpse lays on the living room floor in a pool of blood. There is no sign of his son. The curtain rustles. Agent Hotchner aims his gun at the curtain and fires. A man comes flying out with a knife. It's the Boston Reaper.

Oh hey faggot. Your wife is dead, LOL.

Why? Why did you kill my wife?

That slut gave me herpes!

...

Do you know how much fucking money I've spent on ineffective treatments to keep these blisters from coming back?

...

Come on, don't just stand there like you've got a dick in your mouth. Say something!

Agent Hotchner is consumed by anger. He attacks the Reaper in what can only be described as pure animal rage. Hotchner brutalizes the Reaper with his bare hands. Right before he delivers the final blow, Hotchner asks the Reaper how he killed the US Marshal.

You fucking pantywaist. How the hell did you kill a US Marshal using only a knife?

Unh... What the hell are you talking about?

You followed the US Marshal assigned to my wife home and killed him. Then you took his gun and used his phone to call me so I could listen to you kill my wife!

You're fucking delirious. Just kill me and be done with it!

STOP LYING, ASSHOLE!

Fuck it, I'm dead anyway. I didn't kill your wife. I was going to, but some guy beat me to it. Probably the same guy who killed the US Marshal.

Did you see him?

*Cough* Jewish guy, about 6 foot tall. He was wearing a plaid shirt.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! *pummels the Reaper to death*

Elsewhere:

LOL.

Yeah, I should probably stop here.

	Alright team. Agent Hotchner's wife has been threatened by some guy calling himself the Boston Reaper.
	Aw hell no! Nobody's gonna threaten my piece of ass like that!
	Please guys, not now. My wife's life is at stake.
	And when we save her, her ass is going to be impaled by my stake.
	Aw snap!
	Goddamn Reid, don't be so brutal. We need his whiny ass in one piece so we can find this faggot and save our gangbang whore.
	Sir, if the Reaper kills Hotch's wife-
	STFU bitch. I don't even know how the fuck you managed to be accepted into the FBI Academy let alone graduate.
	But sir-
	I said shut your whore mouth Agent Jareau. Nobody likes you because you give lousy head and you gave Morgan the clap. Everyone meet me in the garage in 10. Prentiss, wear your schoolgirl outfit with no panties.
	Yes sir. And no pigtails this time.
	Damn straight. I'm not a fucking pedophile.

	Daaaaaaaaamn Hotch. Looks like your bitch was on the rag!
	LOL.
	My wife wasn't even here asshole. It's the blood of the US Marshal.
	But those are your wife's panties on the couch. I'd recognize them anywhere.
	...
	He's right Hotch. They even have her name written on them. "Property of Haley Hotchner". See?
	Wait a minute guys, this doesn't make sense. The Reaper is supposed to be some guy doped up on pain killers. How did he manage to kill a US Marshal armed with a .40 caliber Glock using only a knife?
	Hmm, good point. That would take discipline and skill on par with a ninja.
	It doesn't matter. What matters is- phone rings Who the fuck is this?
	I've got your wife and your son, faggot.
	The Reaper! Don't hurt them, please.
	Agent Hotchner, don't you ever learn? I'm going to kill them, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. You can't trace this call, because the US Marshals have made the signal bounce all over the place. You're 20 miles away, and I have a gun. They're fucking dead. click
	FUUUUUUUUUCK. I've gotta get to my wife's house.
	Hotch, that didn't sound like the Reaper. Actually, it sounded more like-
	SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ASSHOLES.

	Your wife bought herself some time by giving me head, but now I'm going to kill her.
	Wait a second, can I please talk to her one last time?
	She's got her mouth full right now, but I'll let you talk to your son.
	Hi daddy! Mommy's kissing her boyfriend's private parts right now and he says he's going to shoot.
	Jack, listen to dad. I need you to go work the case, alright?
	Okay! Bye bye daddy!
	Okay slut, say good night. *BANG*
	NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU BASTARD! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!
	Whatever faggot. Come get me then.

	Oh hey faggot. Your wife is dead, LOL.
	Why? Why did you kill my wife?
	That slut gave me herpes!
	...
	Do you know how much fucking money I've spent on ineffective treatments to keep these blisters from coming back?
	...
	Come on, don't just stand there like you've got a dick in your mouth. Say something!

	You fucking pantywaist. How the hell did you kill a US Marshal using only a knife?
	Unh... What the hell are you talking about?
	You followed the US Marshal assigned to my wife home and killed him. Then you took his gun and used his phone to call me so I could listen to you kill my wife!
	You're fucking delirious. Just kill me and be done with it!
	STOP LYING, ASSHOLE!
	Fuck it, I'm dead anyway. I didn't kill your wife. I was going to, but some guy beat me to it. Probably the same guy who killed the US Marshal.
	Did you see him?
	Cough Jewish guy, about 6 foot tall. He was wearing a plaid shirt.
	FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! pummels the Reaper to death