AngryJerk.net- Criminal Minds: A Descent

CRIMINAL MINDS: A DESCENT

I used to love this show. There were only two shows I'd watch: this, and House MD. Every Wednesday night at 9, I'd put on CBS and nearly jizz myself in anticipation of whatever case the Behavioral Analysis Unit might be working this week. This is a summary of the cast when I still enjoyed the show:

Supervisory Special Agent Jason Gideon- Bad ass fucking Jew played by Mandy Patinkin. This guy was the FBI's top "profiler", and the viewer need not ask why. Crazy douche bag killing blonde chicks? Yeah, okay. Ex-Marine serial sniper on a psychotic break picking off random people? Come get some, pussy. Sociopath who's killed over 500 people? Get that bullshit out of my face. Psycho bitch who imitates Jack the Ripper and cuffs her male victims to the bed before cutting them open? Gideon would catch her, then hit that shit all night. Gideon fears no one. When Gideon was the head of the BAU, nobody stepped out of line, lest they "accidentally" fall victim to a serial killer. After forcing some sociopath and his girlfriend to commit suicide, Gideon said "Fuck this boring shit, I'm out." Rumor has it he's still coaching Reid by phone.

Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner- Stereotypical government agent played by the guy from Dharma and Greg, except no Jenna Elfman to make up for his fagginess. Spends most of his spare time LARPing as Agent Smith and being an overall pussy.

Special Agent Derrick Morgan- Nigger straight from the fucking hood of Chicago. Except you wouldn't have the balls to tell him that to his face. If the FCC allowed the usage of profanity at 9 o'clock at night, he wouldn't have any reservations about telling the unsub what a pussy ass bitchmade nigga they are. Actually, fuck the FCC, he DID call someone a bitch in one episode. In another episode, some guy attacked him with a baseball bat. In Morgan's own words, "Big mistake." The attacker was on the ground in 30 seconds flat. Morgan was also molested as a child, but does he play the victim card? Fuck no. He compensates for it by beating the shit out of pedophiles whenever he encounters them. Hotchner tried to get all up in his grill for not telling him about the molestation. Morgan's response? "I fucked your wife, peckerwood." Hotchner's wife subsequently filed for divorce. Gideon gave Morgan a high-five for this then made Hotchner cry multiple times over the course of the next five episodes by bringing it up at inappropriate moments, like when talking to grieving families or addressing the media.

Special Agent Spencer Reid- Massive geek who will still hand you your ass. Was being personally trained by Gideon in the art of awesomeness prior to Gideon's departure. In one episode, he tried to talk some guy out of shooting some punk ass kid who was about to rape the guy's daughter, but the guy did it anyway. After talking to Gideon, he learned his lesson. In the next episode, this emo kid was going around killing people with an M16 rifle. The kid started walking up to the police station to kill the cops who had his girlfriend, but Reid wasn't going to have that shit. He took off his bulletproof vest, walked right up to the kid, and said "Put that fucking gun down NOW." The kid put the gun down and pissed his pants. Here's the scene:

"You guys were afraid of this pantywaist? Give me a fucking break!"

Special Agent Emily Prentiss- I need not say anymore:

Special Agent Jennifer Jareau- Unimportant slut who blew her way to being the BAU's public relations bitch. Pretty much eye-candy for the male viewers:

Morgan about to hit that shit in a ploy by the producers to piss off the show's racist viewers.

Garcia- Fat ugly hacker-turned-FBI-employee bitch who pops up coincidentally the same time as your dick when looking at Jareau. She is most comparable to Mimi from the Drew Carey Show. Most likely a subtle trolling attempt by the producers to mock the average female viewer of crime dramas. I will demonstrate later in this article just how painful Garcia randomly popping up can be.

So this was the team prior to Gideon's departure. When Gideon left, we were told that he'd be replaced by Joe Mantegna. Most of you probably know Joe Mantegna as the voice of Fat Tony from the Simpsons. I know, how could they possibly have gone wrong? They made his character a whiny bitch, that's how.

Here is the rundown of Gideon's final episode:

Alright, listen up faggots. Some dickhead serial killer in Nevada has called me out.

Aw shit, it's on now! Nobody calls Gideon out!

Reid, shut up you brown-nosing faggot.

Morgan, fuck off or I'll call the president and have him repeal the 13th Amendment.

You don't have the president's number man. Quit playin'.

Hey Mr. President, it's Gideon. I need a favor.

Come on guys, let's focus on the case.

Hey Hotch, who- I mean, how is the wife doing?

DAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!

OH SNAP!

...

Anyway, as I was saying, this dickhead in Nevada is calling me out. His name's Frank and he's killed over 500 people over the course of 20 years or some bullshit. I don't know, I don't care. All I do know is that nobody calls me out. Everyone meet me at the jet in 30. Prentiss, stay behind and give me head.

Yes sir.

What about me, sir?

Hell no! You fucked a nigger, and nobody wants a woman that's been with a nigger, right Hotch?

... *walks away, crying softly*

Later, Gideon and Hotchner are talking to the family of Frank's latest victim.

*sniff* I loved my daughter! What kind of monster would do this?

We're sorry for your loss m'am.

It's terrible that someone would do this to your daughter, m'am. But in situations like this, you should always look on the bright side.

Bright side? He drugged my daughter, then cut her open, took out her ribs, and dumped her body in the desert! What bright side could there be?

At least she wasn't fucking a nigger, like Agent Hotchner's wife.

Come on now Gideon, this isn't appro-

Hotch, face it. Your wife is a fucking slut.

*sniff* What?

M'am, I apologize for his-

Agent Hotchner's wife was fucking a black guy behind his back. That black guy happens to be another FBI agent on our team. I also heard she let some of the guys in Counter-Terrorism go family-style on her.

Wow, what a slut.

For real.

You know what Gideon? You're an asshole. I'm going to get you fired one of these days.

Woah there, chill out dude! It's not my fault your wife is a black-cock-loving slut. Oh, and while we're on the subject, I have a buddy who wants to know if she offers group discounts.

FUCK YOU GIDEON. I HATE YOU.

*Under his breath* That's not what your wife said!

What did you just say?

I said your wife gives good head. Now let's get the fuck out of here and catch Frank.

After doing a shitload of searching, Gideon manages to locate Frank and corners him in a diner.

YOU'RE Frank? What the fuck is wrong with you? What on Earth would make you think you're capable of calling me out like that? Don't you know who I am? I almost feel sorry for what I'm going to do to your pansy ass.

Ah, Jason Gideon, we meet at last. You see, I am a sociopath who has killed-

Yeah, we get it. You feel no remorse, you killed 500 people, blah-dee-fucking-blah. So you have two options. One, I beat your pasty ass within an inch of your life then throw you in jail where you'll be Bubba's bitch for the rest of your life, or two, you end your worthless life and I still look like a hero. What's it gonna be?

Well, I am a sociopath, so I wouldn't care about being "Bubba's bitch".

What? Sociopathy has nothing to do with sexual preference you dipshit. You're just a fucking faggot.

Your insults do not bother me, because I am a-

You're a sociopath and a faggot. Whatever. Now what's it gonna be Twinkletoes? Jail or suicide?

Actually I will walk right out the front door and join my girlfriend Jane. Together we will live happily ever after.

The place is surrounded by cops and FBI agents, so I'll take that as suicide. Let me get my camera phone ready so I can put this shit on YouTube. "Dumb ass serial killer gets gunned down by shitload of cops". This will surely be this week's "Most Favorited".

A moment later...

What the fuck! Why is that piece of shit getting into my SUV with his crack whore girlfriend? I just got the upholstery done!

He said he had a busload of kids stranded in the desert and if you wanted him to take you to them you'd let him go.

"He said he had a busload of kids. Excuses excuses, cry cry cry." Weren't you guys supposed to be checking every single vehicle coming and going from this podunk pisshole? This is why I hate working with local authorities. You guys are fucking dipshits. Now I won't get an award for "Most Favorited" on YouTube, and it's all thanks to you. I bet you're all "Amazing Atheist" fanboys. Fucking retards.

The episode was a two-parter. Basically Gideon lets Frank and his girlfriend go so he can save the kids and have a huge orgy with all of their moms. Frank and Jane escape into the desert, Gideon gets some ass, and is now very pissed off at the fact that Frank called him out and seemingly got away. But Frank didn't count on the fact that Jane is a horny bitch and wants a real man to fuck her. So she leaves Frank and goes to Washington DC to be fucked by Gideon. Frank is now pissed off, so he kills one of Gideon's fuckbuddies and taunts Gideon over the phone. Gideon gets even more pissed off, and finds Frank again, cornering him on a platform at DC's busiest train station. With the unimportant shit out of the way, let's see how this plays out.

Alright you buttfucking faggot. This shit ends here. I'm going to beat the fucking shit out of you so bad your dead hooker mother will feel it.

What, how did you-

That's right, we know your mom was a whore. Your secret's out Frankie-boy. How did it feel knowing your mom was getting drilled by ten different guys every night? Did you tug your little dick while you watched?

GIVE ME BACK JANE NOW OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!

I wonder if your mom and Hotch's wife are related somehow.

WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, GIDEON?

JASON, GIVE ME MY GIRLFRIEND BACK NOW OR THE LITTLE GIRL I KIDNAPPED EARLIER WILL DIE.

I've got news for you, Frank. Prentiss found the girl the same time she found your whore mother's corpse. Figures she died in her bed. As for your "girlfriend," she's busy getting tag-teamed by Reid and Morgan in an empty SWAT van. Oh, and I hit that shit earlier. She said it was good to finally be with a real man instead of some small-dicked "sociopath". Word of advice, it's gay to ask your girlfriend for a three-way with another man.

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Hey Gideon, we're back. You were right man, bitch is TIIIIIGHT!

Hey Frank, Jane says you've got a 4 inch dick. I might have misunderstood her though. After all, I had my cock jammed down her throat.

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!

You're kidding, right? Are you retarded or just incredibly stupid? You're surrounded by the entire fucking SWAT team and a bunch of FBI agents on a train platform in the nation's capital, you goddamn moron. Your "ace in the hole" has been blown, your girlfriend's almost as much of a whore as Hotch's wife, and you've got a small dick. You aren't going to do shit except kill yourself like the bitch you are.

The 4:15 is running on schedule, now go ahead and jump onto the platform or I'll shove this handgun so far down your throat that Hotch's wife will be jealous at your lack of a gag reflex.

Wait until we get back to Quantico, Gideon. I'm reporting you to Strauss for violating protocol.

Whatever, Strauss can suck my dick. Now let's cut the crap and stop stalling, Frank. Commit suicide so I can upload the video to YouTube and get a million views.

Come on Jane. Our love doesn't have to end in this world.

Frank and Jane jump and are hit by the train. Gideon uploads the video to YouTube from his phone and they all go back to FBI Headquarters. However, Agent Hotchner is tired of crying because of Gideon's insults. He goes straight to their superior, Erin Strauss.

So let me get this straight Agent Hotchner. The FBI's best profiler is making childish insults about your wife and breaching protocol by forcing unsubs to commit suicide?

That's right m'am. He has even made these insults in front of a victim's grieving mother. It's apparent he does not value his position with the BAU.

Well Agent Hotchner, I think you're just being a whiny little bitch, but if I fire someone really high up it looks like I'm doing shit, and I'll get to move to Homeland Security and work with a real man like Jack Bauer.

So Strauss calls Gideon in to can him.

Agent Gideon, do you know why I called you in here?

I know, you're horny as shit. It's about goddamn time. Now bend over that desk and hike your dress up. It's time for a dicking.

Agent Gideon, we've received reports that you've been saying inappropriate things to other agents.

Yeah, I called Hotchner's wife a whore. Now stop stalling and let's fuck.

Agent Gideon, I am your boss! Do NOT talk to me like that!

Here's my gun and badge. I quit this boring ass job. Now that you're no longer my boss, bend the fuck over the desk and spread your legs. I'm going to fuck you so hard you'll scream. Jack Bauer ain't got shit on me.

Show me what you've got then, hot stuff.

HEY GUYS CAN I JOIN IN?

Goddamnit Garcia, I was just about to fap.

So that was Gideon's final episode. After that, he was replaced by "Agent David Rossi", played by Joe Mantegna. Here's Rossi's first episode:

Hi guys, I'm Special Agent David Rossi. Most of you remember me as the guy in charge of the Waco Siege.

Bullshit, everyone knows that was Janet Reno!

LOL, very funny Reid. Anyway, we have a new case. I'll brief everyone on the plane. Meet me there in an hour. Agent Hotchner, stay behind please.

You're not going to make fun of my cheating wife too, are you?

No. I understand how you feel, Agent Hotchner. Women are vindictive bitches. Besides, men know what men want.

Rossi, what is this I feel right now?

It's passion. Don't hold back Agent Hotchner. Let it come. Let yourself come.

I love you, Agent Rossi. Pull down those shades and let's violate some protocol.

The rest of the episode consisted of Rossi bitching at Morgan for no following protocol, and defending his tactics at Waco like some butthurt pussy. Reid was so pissed off at Rossi's faggotry that he started shooting up heroin just to restrain himself, until Gideon called him and told him to grow a pair. Since then, he's been putting Rossi in his place by doing shit like this:

Fuck Joe Mantegna for ruining what was once a very good show. I'll be very surprised if this show makes it halfway through a 5th season.

Stupid wop.

	Alright, listen up faggots. Some dickhead serial killer in Nevada has called me out.
	Aw shit, it's on now! Nobody calls Gideon out!
	Reid, shut up you brown-nosing faggot.
	Morgan, fuck off or I'll call the president and have him repeal the 13th Amendment.
	You don't have the president's number man. Quit playin'.
	Hey Mr. President, it's Gideon. I need a favor.
	Come on guys, let's focus on the case.
	*Hey Hotch, who- I mean, how* is the wife doing?**
	DAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!
	OH SNAP!
	...
	Anyway, as I was saying, this dickhead in Nevada is calling me out. His name's Frank and he's killed over 500 people over the course of 20 years or some bullshit. I don't know, I don't care. All I do know is that nobody calls me out. Everyone meet me at the jet in 30. Prentiss, stay behind and give me head.
	Yes sir.
	What about me, sir?
	Hell no! You fucked a nigger, and nobody wants a woman that's been with a nigger, right Hotch?
	... walks away, crying softly

	sniff I loved my daughter! What kind of monster would do this?
	We're sorry for your loss m'am.
	It's terrible that someone would do this to your daughter, m'am. But in situations like this, you should always look on the bright side.
	Bright side? He drugged my daughter, then cut her open, took out her ribs, and dumped her body in the desert! What bright side could there be?
	At least she wasn't fucking a nigger, like Agent Hotchner's wife.
	Come on now Gideon, this isn't appro-
	Hotch, face it. Your wife is a fucking slut.
	sniff What?
	M'am, I apologize for his-
	Agent Hotchner's wife was fucking a black guy behind his back. That black guy happens to be another FBI agent on our team. I also heard she let some of the guys in Counter-Terrorism go family-style on her.
	Wow, what a slut.
	For real.
	You know what Gideon? You're an asshole. I'm going to get you fired one of these days.
	Woah there, chill out dude! It's not my fault your wife is a black-cock-loving slut. Oh, and while we're on the subject, I have a buddy who wants to know if she offers group discounts.
	FUCK YOU GIDEON. I HATE YOU.
	Under his breath That's not what your wife said!
	What did you just say?
	I said your wife gives good head. Now let's get the fuck out of here and catch Frank.

	YOU'RE Frank? What the fuck is wrong with you? What on Earth would make you think you're capable of calling me out like that? Don't you know who I am? I almost feel sorry for what I'm going to do to your pansy ass.
	Ah, Jason Gideon, we meet at last. You see, I am a sociopath who has killed-
	Yeah, we get it. You feel no remorse, you killed 500 people, blah-dee-fucking-blah. So you have two options. One, I beat your pasty ass within an inch of your life then throw you in jail where you'll be Bubba's bitch for the rest of your life, or two, you end your worthless life and I still look like a hero. What's it gonna be?
	Well, I am a sociopath, so I wouldn't care about being "Bubba's bitch".
	What? Sociopathy has nothing to do with sexual preference you dipshit. You're just a fucking faggot.
	Your insults do not bother me, because I am a-
	You're a sociopath and a faggot. Whatever. Now what's it gonna be Twinkletoes? Jail or suicide?
	Actually I will walk right out the front door and join my girlfriend Jane. Together we will live happily ever after.
	The place is surrounded by cops and FBI agents, so I'll take that as suicide. Let me get my camera phone ready so I can put this shit on YouTube. "Dumb ass serial killer gets gunned down by shitload of cops". This will surely be this week's "Most Favorited".

	What the fuck! Why is that piece of shit getting into my SUV with his crack whore girlfriend? I just got the upholstery done!
	He said he had a busload of kids stranded in the desert and if you wanted him to take you to them you'd let him go.
	"He said he had a busload of kids. Excuses excuses, cry cry cry." Weren't you guys supposed to be checking every single vehicle coming and going from this podunk pisshole? This is why I hate working with local authorities. You guys are fucking dipshits. Now I won't get an award for "Most Favorited" on YouTube, and it's all thanks to you. I bet you're all "Amazing Atheist" fanboys. Fucking retards.

	Alright you buttfucking faggot. This shit ends here. I'm going to beat the fucking shit out of you so bad your dead hooker mother will feel it.
	What, how did you-
	That's right, we know your mom was a whore. Your secret's out Frankie-boy. How did it feel knowing your mom was getting drilled by ten different guys every night? Did you tug your little dick while you watched?
	GIVE ME BACK JANE NOW OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!
	I wonder if your mom and Hotch's wife are related somehow.
	WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, GIDEON?
	JASON, GIVE ME MY GIRLFRIEND BACK NOW OR THE LITTLE GIRL I KIDNAPPED EARLIER WILL DIE.
	I've got news for you, Frank. Prentiss found the girl the same time she found your whore mother's corpse. Figures she died in her bed. As for your "girlfriend," she's busy getting tag-teamed by Reid and Morgan in an empty SWAT van. Oh, and I hit that shit earlier. She said it was good to finally be with a real man instead of some small-dicked "sociopath". Word of advice, it's gay to ask your girlfriend for a three-way with another man.
	YOU SON OF A BITCH!
	Hey Gideon, we're back. You were right man, bitch is TIIIIIGHT!
	Hey Frank, Jane says you've got a 4 inch dick. I might have misunderstood her though. After all, I had my cock jammed down her throat.
	YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!
	You're kidding, right? Are you retarded or just incredibly stupid? You're surrounded by the entire fucking SWAT team and a bunch of FBI agents on a train platform in the nation's capital, you goddamn moron. Your "ace in the hole" has been blown, your girlfriend's almost as much of a whore as Hotch's wife, and you've got a small dick. You aren't going to do shit except kill yourself like the bitch you are.

	The 4:15 is running on schedule, now go ahead and jump onto the platform or I'll shove this handgun so far down your throat that Hotch's wife will be jealous at your lack of a gag reflex.
	Wait until we get back to Quantico, Gideon. I'm reporting you to Strauss for violating protocol.
	Whatever, Strauss can suck my dick. Now let's cut the crap and stop stalling, Frank. Commit suicide so I can upload the video to YouTube and get a million views.

	So let me get this straight Agent Hotchner. The FBI's best profiler is making childish insults about your wife and breaching protocol by forcing unsubs to commit suicide?
	That's right m'am. He has even made these insults in front of a victim's grieving mother. It's apparent he does not value his position with the BAU.
	Well Agent Hotchner, I think you're just being a whiny little bitch, but if I fire someone really high up it looks like I'm doing shit, and I'll get to move to Homeland Security and work with a real man like Jack Bauer.

	Agent Gideon, do you know why I called you in here?
	I know, you're horny as shit. It's about goddamn time. Now bend over that desk and hike your dress up. It's time for a dicking.
	Agent Gideon, we've received reports that you've been saying inappropriate things to other agents.
	Yeah, I called Hotchner's wife a whore. Now stop stalling and let's fuck.
	Agent Gideon, I am your boss! Do NOT talk to me like that!
	Here's my gun and badge. I quit this boring ass job. Now that you're no longer my boss, bend the fuck over the desk and spread your legs. I'm going to fuck you so hard you'll scream. Jack Bauer ain't got shit on me.
	Show me what you've got then, hot stuff.
	HEY GUYS CAN I JOIN IN?

	Hi guys, I'm Special Agent David Rossi. Most of you remember me as the guy in charge of the Waco Siege.
	Bullshit, everyone knows that was Janet Reno!
	LOL, very funny Reid. Anyway, we have a new case. I'll brief everyone on the plane. Meet me there in an hour. Agent Hotchner, stay behind please.
	You're not going to make fun of my cheating wife too, are you?
	No. I understand how you feel, Agent Hotchner. Women are vindictive bitches. Besides, men know what men want.
	Rossi, what is this I feel right now?
	It's passion. Don't hold back Agent Hotchner. Let it come. Let yourself come.
	I love you, Agent Rossi. Pull down those shades and let's violate some protocol.