SCREW CHAIRS

Submitted by Brextor

 

Chairs are evil. They're epitome of everything wrong with this world. Think about it, everything evil, diabolical, ruthless, evil, demented, evil, and evil was plotted from a chair. You know where Hitler was when he was plotting his massacre of the Jewish race? IN A CHAIR! HOLY SHIT A CHAIR! A FUCKING CHAIR:

 

You know those bastards who constantly shit out Call of Duty games? Treyarch and Infinity Ward? THEY SIT IN CHAIRS PLOTTING HOW TO GET THE UNSUSPECTING JOCK DUMBASSES TO BUY THEIR SHITTY COPY-PASTED GAMES! Shame on those dick turds at Activision for actually condoning this sort of behavior... ALL IN A CHAIR!

Holy shit... Holy shit... HOLY SHIT I JUST REALIZED! Everything wrong in the world. Every criminal, dictator, Republican, communist, terrorist, Apple fan boy, fighting game tournament purist, hippy, emo, Disney Channel viewer, Microsoft dick licker, and Facebook drama llama... HAVE ALL SAT IN A CHAIR!
 
You know why that is so? They're conspirators. Nothing but conspirators in a quest to dominate our world! They've been with us all along. Plotting, taking ideas, melding them with their own, until one day we're all caught off guard and they surprise us all. Chairs, I thought they were our friend. I thought they gave our collective asses a place to rest after a day of hardships and we sat in them when we're feeling great and when we're feeling sad. But... But... I can't believe it. I placed my trust in them. Thought they were my greatest friend. I loved them. I THOUGHT I loved them... Boy was that trust deeply misplaced...
 
Enough, we have been shocked by their betrayal!

WE HAVE COMMITTED ENOUGH TIME TO MOURN THEIR BETRAYAL!

WE NEED TO TAKE ACTION!
 
WE MUST TAKE UP ARMS IN OUR QUEST TO TAKE DOWN THE CHAIRS! The ensuing battle will be long and difficult. We need to formulate a plan of action right here, right now!

Everyone on Facebook, you need to cast aside your personal feelings and do what's best for the future of mankind! WE MUST WIN THE WAR! For starters we need to take down all the chairs in other countries since they're ignorant to the imposing threat the chairs clearly propose! If the luck of man is with us, they'll take up their own arms as our brothers and fight to their last breath!
 
The plan isn't perfect. We WILL suffer bloodshed, but we must, at absolutely any cost, win the war. We must train our children to fight, we need to re-educate the kids by revamping the school system for chair-based combat!
 
We have to win. Good luck my brother. May you receive this message and Godspeed!